10Q Reflections: Part I

It's that time of year again, the time when the email arrives: Your 10Q are ready!

You log in, look at five years worth of responses to a simple set of 10 questions about the year. Your hopes, your dreams, your failings, your triumphs. It's all typed up and locked away year after year after the High Holidays. Five years. I recently posted about how much my life is not where I expected it to be. But that's looking at the long haul of experiences.

Clicking on each year and reading my life in a vacuum, what I predicted for the coming year, what I'd experienced in the past year, I realize how short-sighted I live my life. In a way, that's good. Living in the moment, experiencing life on life's terms. I never dream too big, I never dream too far away. I've always been a realist.

But this one, this one from last year's 10Q is big.

Here's the thing. When I was filling out my 10Q last year, I didn't know that Mr. T was going to be gone for a shocking nine months. I didn't know how much things would speed up. I didn't know how much I would need that connection in order to thrive and just survive.

I suppose I achieved what I was missing -- sort of. I spent a lot of time this past year praying and talking to G-d. A lot of time crying, pleading, begging, and reflecting. But I still don't completely and utterly feel like the deeply spiritual person I was several years ago after my divorce and moving to Israel. Life's incredibly busy and engaging with that self isn't as easy as I wish it were.

But that's the ultimate battle with being a Torah-observant Jew. It's so easy to go through the motions day in and day out. Say a blessing, eat an apple. Go to the bathroom, say a blessing. Get up, cover your hair, observe the laws of modesty. Go to the mikvah, speak Hebrew with your child. Write an article on the origins and meaning of the siddur (Jewish prayer book).

What's often missing is the feels. Yes, that's a popular bit of internet lingo at the moment, but the feels are what I've always battled with when it comes to taking my Judaism personally. I'm a cerebral person. I first came to Judaism through the textbook in college. I dove in to a master's degree in Judaic studies with the mind of an academic. I'm no Orthprax, because G-d, whether I spend hours in hitbodedut or not, is very central to my existence and understanding of the world.

And the funny thing is, the whole of modern Judaism is based on the deeply academic pursuits of the great rabbis, battling and arguing over meaning, substance, observance. But, for some reason, when I think of the rabbis of the Talmud and the great sages of the Medieval period and the great thinkers of modern Judaism, all I can think is, "Here are some super spiritual people, right?"

Who knows. My husband is a Hasid through and through. He's got the feels oozing out his ears and dances around the synagogue on Shabbat and has a joy in his soul that is something I envy. I wouldn't say I'm a mitnaged, the classic thought-based opponents of the Hasidim, as I don't oppose Hasidic thought and I find a lot of it incredibly inspiring and personally valuable, but my natural state is more that of the classic mitnaged than Hasid.

I suppose, then, Mr. T and I are creating a balance in a way. I learn from him, he learns from me, and hopefully, maybe, I can find the balance of spiritual seeker and passionate thinker and not feel so far, so rote in my Judaism.

Sign up for your 10Q.

Bonus: I really need to get back to 2013 and take my own advice.

Don't sweat the small stuff -- and it's all small stuff. You have an amazing husband, wonderful friends, and this life is a gift.

The Q&A of 10Q: The Ultimate Truth

I thought about writing a reflective piece on divorce and how it impacted me over the past year, since many of last year's 10Q answers focused on that. But I realized my answer to two questions actually define the past year and offer my ultimate truth.

Day 2: Is there something that you wish you had done differently this past year? Alternatively, is there something you're especially proud of from this past year? 

Your Answer: I wish I had spent more time on myself and not become so wrapped up in my failing marriage. I lost myself. And I am not proud of that. I am however proud that I stood tall and walked away in order to save myself.

And part two:

Day 5: Have you had any particularly spiritual experiences this past year? How has this experience affected you? "Spiritual" can be broadly defined to include secular spiritual experiences: artistic, cultural, and so forth. 

Your Answer: I realized my relationship with HaShem need work. I need to rediscover my passion and faith.

There are two things here. One is that I lost myself, and the other is that in the process I lost my relationship with HaShem. Over the past few months, I've been mastering the art of rediscovering myself while reconnecting with HaShem.

And that is the ultimate truth for 5773, and it is the path by which I'll guide myself this year. Me, Myself, and HaShem!

L'Shanah Tovah u'metukah!

The Q&A of 10Q: Of Mattresses and Adulthood

The takeaway from this post, in case you don't get to the end: You don't become an adult by buying your first mattress, even if it's an incredibly expensive pillow-top with marshmallow-covered coils covered in cotton candy for a deliciously sweet night's sleep. Despite popular opinion, mattress purchases don't make adults. 

I started up with 10Q back in 2009. I was utterly boring, the only life-altering experience that pen put to page that year was my father's diagnosis of lymphoma. (B"H, he's in remission.) But my answers were not well-thought-out, in fact they were overly predictive and shockingly accurate.

Day 10: When September 2010 rolls around and you receive your answers to your 10Q questions, how do you think you'll feel? What do you think/hope might be different about your life and where you're at as a result of pondering these questions?

Your Answer: I think my life will be TOTALLY different in September 2010. I'll be an Orthodox Jew. I'll be married. I'll be in some type of advanced degree program. I'll hopefully be living in a new place, with new things.

And there we have it. Chaviva the future seer. By September 2010 I was married, at NYU, and living in Teaneck, New Jersey. Moving on ...

In September 2010, I'll admit I'm shocked to read that I was really serious about this aliyah business. The thing is, I knew that my ex-husband wasn't interested. What was I playing at?

Day 6: Describe one thing you'd like to achieve by this time next year. Why is this important to you?

Your Answer: One thing I'd like to achieve by this time next year ... probably to have functioning knees. And a HIGHER level of accuracy and fluency of Hebrew. Oh, and more progress re: aliyah!

I will admit that my knees have gotten a lot better since moving to Colorado, but my Hebrew has waned quite a bit. I hope it's like riding a bicycle and the moment my feet hit the ground I'm all over the mamaloshen. 

But then there's the kicker in 2010. The fact that I didn't know what was coming in 2011. I read these words and realize the naivety that fills them. I was overly optimistic, and it shows. Yes, already four months into the marriage I was in therapy -- for the first time in my whirligig of a life.

Day 9: What is a fear that you have and how has it limited you? How do you plan on letting it go or overcoming it in the coming year? 

Your Answer: A fear? Opening up, seeking help, committing to therapy. I've gone twice, and both times I felt apprehensive and tried to cancel. I don't expect it to get easier, only harder. But for now, it's right. It's helped me already fix things with myself and my husband. Over the coming year, I want to get even better, to commit to it, and to make it make me healthy.

And then part deux.

Day 10: When September 2011 rolls around and you receive your answers to your 10Q questions, how do you think you'll feel? What do you think/hope might be different about your life and where you're at as a result of thinking about and answering these questions?

Your Answer: I think I'll feel ... more empassioned about ending up in Israel, either happier or depressed about my academic situation. I hope that I'll be happier in my marriage. I hope therapy will help. I hope that I'll be overall HAPPY.

I might not have gotten the happy in September 2011. But I sure as hell got insight. 

But still, there's that Israel thing. Man it peppered my life more than I knew over the past several years. It's like HaShem is plotting me a map ... backwards. 

The funny thing about my 10Q from 2010? I didn't fill out the final question: What are your predictions for 2011? Maybe I knew the year would be as unpredictable as it really was. Maybe it was my subconscious protecting itself from what it knew was coming. 

Reading back on all of my answers from the three years I've participated (wow, so much has happened in three years, yikes), I'm eager to answer this year's questions, mostly because I finished a hard cycle of therapy, cut off some cancers in my life, reevaluated what I need to make me happy, sought the advice and counsel of some amazing friends, and came to terms with my divorce and subsequent pendulum swings. This has been a year of inexplainable inward evaluation, teshuva, and realizations. Despite being an adult since I was a kid, despite having had to grow up very early, I think this might be the first time I've ever felt like an adult. 

I thought it was when I purchased my first mattress when my then-boyfriend Ian and I broke up back in 2007. I felt adult. But I hadn't yet learned to deal with emotions and feelings like an adult. I was still on the "fix everybody, every possible person -- except yourself" journey. 

So when the questions come, I suppose I'll say, "I grew up this year." Maybe not financially, and maybe I still enjoy the childlike fantasies of curling up with a good book and sipping hot cocoa and eating rice krispie treats. But I did grow up. I grew up, and I grew in. Into myself, that is. 

Lech Lecha, friends. 5773 is the year. 

The Q&A of 10Q: Overcoming the Fear

Every year, for I don't know how many years, I've participated in 10Q -- a project of the amazing REBOOT that sends you questions every day for 10 days, then locks them up until next year. It asks you for predictions, reflections, and insights into the past and the future. Every year, for me, it's like a scary little box arriving in my inbox just before Rosh HaShanah. What did I say a year ago? What did I feel a year ago? Who was I one year ago? 

So the Q&A came. It arrived today, and knowing where I was a year ago it scared me. I had anticipated writing about the 10Q, my answers, and my responses to those thoughts and feelings today. It'll be a mini-series of sorts. Today? I want to start with the question from Day 4 from 2011. 

Day 4: Describe an event in the world that has impacted you this year. How? Why?

Your Answer: The killings in Israel of innocents. It has made my drive to move to Israel more pressing. I want to be with and defend my people and my state.

Well, that's interesting. Then came the extra question, from Day 11 in 2011. 

Day 11: What are your predictions for 2012? 

Your Answer: Predictions? Complete world destruction. Mashiach will come. I'll be in Jerusalem. Things will be amazing! Bli neder.

Okay, even more interesting. I'm guessing I wrote down my predictions out of order. I'm guessing it should have been: "I'll be in Jerusalem. Things will be amazing. Completely world destruction. Mashiach will come." Okay, that sounds better. 

From the looks of it, I think maybe I had an inkling that I'd be on the road to Jerusalem this time last year. Clearly I wasn't ready (and from my answers to some of the other questions, I clearly had a lot of soul-searching to do before I was able to make this giant leap), but it seems that my answers had a bit of truth in them. 

I was scared to read the Q&A when it arrived in my inbox, but now I'm feeling uplifted, satisfied, satiated. Like maybe the guiding light has been there all along, it just took a couple of huge falls before I could lift myself up and commit to aliyah. 

I will say, however, that I'm kind of hoping that the Complete World Destruction thing holds off for a little while. Just maybe. 

Did you participate in 10Q? Will you participate this year? The questions start coming in five days. Be prepared!