Anatomy of a Name: Chaviva

So I was thinking, my name is Chaviva -- חביבה -- is quite pretty, and I often get comments about how bizarre and unique it is. Yes, it's pretty rare in the scheme of things. It's not a modern Hebrew name, although it's working its way into the lexicon pretty swiftly. So from where is the name sourced?  I see it in two different interesting spaces.

1. משנה תורה מנוקד - ספר עבודה - הלכות מעשה הקרבנות פרק ד

Even though the eimorim and the limbs [of the sacrifices] may be offered on the fire of the altar at night, they may not be willingly delayed. Instead, an attempt should be made to offer everything during the day, for it is desirable that a mitzvah be performed at its designated time. [The importance of this can be seen from the fact that] the offering of the eimorim and the limbs [of the sacrifices] on the fire of the altar supersedes the Sabbath prohibitions on that day. We do not delay this until Saturday night. (via Chabad.org)

2. משנה תורה מנוקד - ספר זמנים - הלכות מגילה וחנוכה פרק ד

The mitzvah of kindling Chanukah lamps is very dear. A person should be very careful in its observance to publicize the miracle and thus increase our praise of God and our expression of thanks for the miracles which He wrought on our behalf. Even if a person has no resources for food except [what he receives] from charity, he should pawn or sell his garments and purchase oil and lamps to kindle them [in fulfillment of the mitzvah]. (via Chabad.org)

And then, according to my Dictionary of the Targumim, the Talmud Babli and Yerushalmi, and the Midrashic Literature, חביבה was the name of many Amoraim. Most oft' quoted I see is

"R. Habiba says men call their grandsons sons..."

So what's in a name? I'm still not sure. I chose it way-back-when because my given name, Amanda, means lovable or "worthy to be loved." Chaviva means basically the same thing in Modern Hebrew. The translations above suggest that חביבה means desirable or very dear.  I searched again and found three pages worth of Chaviva goodness. A super common use of חביבה that many folks know is the following:

חביבה עלי כת קטנה שבארץ ישראל יותר מסנהדרין גדולה שבחוצה לארץ

Essentially, it says something along the lines of, "More beloved to me is a sect/faction in Eretz Yisrael than a Great Sanhedrin outside of the land." I'm also loving a portion from the Babylonian Talmud, Tractate Berakoth 63a where it discusses what to do if the people hold the Torah dear, and what to do if they do not hold it dear (תורה חביבה).

Okay, I could seriously spend days looking at the references to this word in the Talmud, but I won't bore you with it. It seems that the word חביבה is used in instances of deep and passionate commitment. In Babylonian Talmud, Berakoth 10a, the text refers to King David, saying,

כל פרשה שהיתה חביבה על דוד פתח בה באשרי וסיים בה באשרי

Basically, every parshah or chapter that was "beloved" by David began with happiness and ended with happiness. It seems to be a word of endearment, devotion, passion.

A long time ago, in my senior year of high school, I wrote a paper on etymology -- the study of names. I learned of the importance of names in the development and creation of our personalities and lives, and it's something I've always clung to. I chose the name Chaviva without really thinking about it, and all of the years as I've further embodied the name, I haven't really thought about whether I'm actually embodying the depth of the name. 

So, what do I say? To fully live up to the oomph of my name, I would live a life such that HaShem would be comfortable and eager to call me חביבה חביבה -- Chaviva, beloved. Chaviva, very dear. And am I living my life in such a way that HaShem -- or even those closest to me -- would see me as someone ever-so dear and beloved? 

I think that every day when I open my eyes, when I thank HaShem for giving my spirit back to me, I am trying. I am starting and striving to embody the beloved. So, you could say it's appropriate that I'm spending the month of Elul reading Shir haShirim -- Song of Songs -- every day. It's a segula, you see.

There's a tradition to say Psalm 27 during morning and evening davening from Rosh Chodesh Elul through Yom Kippur. I won't explain it here, but you can read about it here.  The bit about reciting Shir haShirim comes from the fact that Elul is an acronym from Ani l'dodi, v'dodi li -- I am my beloved's and my beloved is mine -- from Shir haShirim 6:3. During this time, the Ba'al Shem Tov said that these are the days when "the King is in the field." The idea here is that HaShem is in the field, ready to listen and accept, to hear our prayers completely. 

So 'tis the season to really talk to HaShem for me. To be the beloved, to learn to embody my name. To ask HaShem to see my deeds, grant me a zivug sheni, grant me shalom. And then, perhaps, my second Hebrew name -- אליענה -- will make all the more sense. 

How are you embodying your name? How are you approaching the month of Elul?

Names, always with the naming!

I finally did it. Yes, I Googled those words: "how to change my name."

Why? It involves a call I got today from central mail services here on campus about a package that had been rerouted to the main mailroom because the name on the box was "Chaviva Edwards" and not the name listed by the university as my "actual" name. Now, I know it's no big thing. I explained the situation (to which she kept saying things about my "nickname"), and she said that she's not sure how things will go in the future, but that it will probably keep happening. So I'm thinking, what? You want I should change my name right now? The girls in the local (grad housing) mailroom know that I'm Chaviva and they give me my mail accordingly. It's the boxes that go via DHL or FedEx or UPS that go to the main Complex Office and then end up getting shipped to the main mailroom across campus. Listen, the last name is the same, the address is the same, what's the big beef!? What a schlep for my poor merchandise!

So I came across the website with information for name changing in Nebraska. I'm technically still a legal resident of Nebraska -- my driver's license is from there, my voter registration is there, my parents still live there (and I guess that sort of attaches you for life). It's a whopping $79.00 to do so. But for the ease of things, that's chump change. My intention has been to wait until I get hitched (if I get hitched?) to do the change-a-roo. I'm looking at keeping "Amanda" in my name, but making it a dual component of my middle name. Thus, you'll be looking at a Chaviva Amanda Jo Edwards. Or something like that. Chaviva A.Jo Edwards. Chaviva JoManda Edwards. If only everyone knew that Chaviva and Amanda mean the same thing -- beloved!

Who knows, right? But I'm not going to do this right now. I have to be present for court and, well, I'm in school and not in the mood to be flying to Nebraska for such things. But my debacle with central mail services might drive me to it if this happens too often. The upside of the whole (neverending) name thing is that the department head *finally* is calling me Chavi now! I was worried after the big departmental shindig on Monday where I was being introduced as "Amanda." How confusing for everyone!

In other news, I got my delicious Orange Blossom Honey (cRc approved) and decorated Shofar Cookie from Zelda's Sweet Shoppe in Illinois. I swear, if anyone ever wants to send me something nice and pretty? Please send it from Zelda's. Their goods are amazing. Not to mention that I ordered this a week ago and it shipped Monday and arrived today. That, is awesome. This honey will fully prepare me for a sweet new year, and I can guarantee that this cookie won't last the weekend!

In yet even more "other news," I have to share this incredibly stellar little thing I picked up from FridayLights.org -- a campaign encouraging one million Jewish women to experience a weekly moment of inner peace through the ancient practice of lighting Shabbat candles. It was a mere $3 for shipping and handling, and I got this neat little tin that comes with four tea lights, a box of matches, a little poster with the blessing (not to mention other wisdom-ful gleanings), as well as a little necklace with the FridayLights hand dangling from it. I wear it wrapped around my wrist as a bracelet -- a constant reminder that I'm working toward Shabbat! Anyhow, I encourage everyone to send away for this little tin of Shabbos goodness!

The Battle of the Name Continues.

The name game continues.

I've blogged oodles of times about my name issue -- the Web world and the Jewish world know me as Chavi or Chaviva. The world I grew up in, my family, my high school and college friends, they all know me as Amanda. The name on my license, and now the name on my grad dorm door reads "Amanda."

When I got here, I wrote "(Chavi)" in parenthesis, to sort of get off on the right footing. But then?

"Hi, I'm Ryan, and you are?"

With a sense of delay I responded "I'm uh ... Amanda." And now, I swear, I've seen this guy about 30 times in the past two days and everytime he makes a point to say "Hi Amanda!" And it's like this little poking reminder that I introduced myself as Amanda.

The thing is, I wasn't sure how to respond. I mean, my door, my registration, my CA, everything is "Amanda." So what do I do? I was thinking about it and thought of "Chavi, but you can call me Amanda" or "Amanda, but please call me Chavi."

To the Jews, of course, I'll be Chavi. Why? I'm not sure why it's easier that way, but it just is. But classes start on Monday and I'm toiling over what to do and say. Both of the professors I'll be working largely with know me as Amanda. The departmental secretary knows me as the same, as well. I just can't figure out how to not sound like a complete moron when requesting I be called by the name that I relate to and feel more fluidly.

I know most people are looking at me like I'm a moron or that I'm being overthoughful about this, and maybe I am. But names, well, what is more finite, more descriptive than a name?

I present to you, a conundrum.

I've written a million times about names, the importance and significance of names, and the future I likely have as Chaviva E. The web world knows me as Chavi, and when I say the web world, I mean bloggers across the blog-o-sphere, people on Yelp (a review site I take part in), and even most recently I was featured on a Chicago Jew site with this moniker, meant to be permanent.

When I meet new people from the interweb in person (such as at Yelp events or when meeting friends of people on the web who know me via my blog or another blog), I'm always asked how I got my name, what it means, why I use it. I always explain that it means the same thing as my given name, which leaves the questioner wondering what the deal is with the given name. It's then that I explain that Chavi is my Hebrew name, which I chose, and that at some point will become my "permanent" name. I usually get funny looks, but it typically surpasses the whole "listen, I'm a convert" bit, not to mention usually gets a nod and a "Well, that's a beautiful name." And we call it a day.

And until now, I haven't had anyone say flat out that they REFUSE to call me Chavi.

See, there are those (family, exes, friends from the past) who will always know me as Amanda and will probably call me as such, and that's just fine. No problem at all. But most of those who are still very close to me (in the friend category) and understand and respect my choices are more than happy to integrate Chavi into their lexicon. One of my closest chums started calling me Chavi on his own accord, and it means the world to me. There are those on Yelp who knew me first as Amanda and then as Chavi and they flip back and forth, but are always careful to say "Which do you prefer?" and then go by that.

But today, someone essentially said they refuse to call me Chaviva. This person, ironically, is a Jew.

It seems that lately I've run into several Jews who just can't handle me. I'm too much Jew, I'm over-Jew-ing it. I'm Jew Jew Jew all the time. I was even accused of trying to convert the masses (what the hell?).

Now, when it comes down to it, I really don't care. I don't need every Jew on the planet to accept me, and I guess if my biggest problem right now is one Jew refusing to call me by my chosen, Hebrew name, then I'm doing pretty good.

I just wish I could understand why this person, who at one time welcomed me as a member of the tribe and treated me with the same respect as others, suddenly is unable to call me Chavi.

EDIT: So here's what this Jew has to say to me, flat out, in a public forum.

"Amanda, sorry, you'll never be jewish no matter how hard you try. I don't care if you change your name legally. I don't care if you go to shul every friday for the rest of your life. I don't care if you keep strict kosher rules. I really just don't care. You'll never be jewish. It's just not going to happen. It's not in your blood. Furthermore, I'm really just sick and tired of your holier-than-thou attitude."

Someone explain to me how people are allowed to keep their Jew card with this attitude? This person is just as bad as the ultra-Orthodox Jew who denies my Jewishness, except this person is on the other end of the spectrum. People never cease to amaze me in their ignorance, and they will eat the words they spew one of these days.

Names. The meaning of names.

So here's a pickle.

Some of you know me as Amanda.
Others of you know me as Chaviva.

On this blog, and in most of the internet world, I am Chaviva, better known as Chavi.

Would I be insane to make this a permanent change? I mean, I'm moving in the fall and going off to school somewhere and I can become who I feel that I am quite easily, indeed. No offense intended to anyone or anything, and most assuredly those who have known me and my family will know me forever as Amanda. But names, in my mind, have such significance, such importance, such meaning. And as I grow, and as I become the person I was meant to be, I grow more and more into my Hebrew name, which in translation means precisely the same thing as the name that my parents issued to me at birth.

But, it's something I am thinking about.

Calling Chaviva, Calling ... Chaviva!

Okay, a few things.

For starters, I went out last night for the first time in a long time (save the dinner with coworkers recently, which was nice, but last night was definitely a different beast) to a bar, with a bunch of people (we're talking 20-30) who I did not know. Yes, complete strangers. I headed off to Goose Island to meet up with a bunch of people who I had "met" through an online community of people who like to review things and spout off about them, too. I spent about 4 or 5 hours out and met some absolutely amazing people from just about every corner of this little big city I call home. People in their 20s, people in their 50s. Seriously, probably the most happy night I've had in a long time, one where I felt alive, social, and like who I used to be, a long time ago, when I was more hopeful and positive about where I was going. There were also a handful of Jews there, so it was nice to meet some of the fellow tribesmen/woman. But the coolest thing about the night? Well, on this online community, I'm known as "Chaviva E." simply because that's how the site rolls. I originally signed on as "Amanda E.", but there was this obnoxious, hated gal on there who also was an Amanda. So I opted to change my name. As such, everyone last night called me by my Hebrew name, my name that I truly connect with, and it was like coming home. Being in a social situation where people know me by my "Jewish name" is truly exceptional. The funny thing, though, is that everyone called me "Cha-viva" ... as in, Cha cha, cha cha cha. Salsa dancing style. I hated correcting people, but it felt natural, and it sort of became a joke after a while. There were some very interesting pronunciations, though, as well. But the Jews got it right the first time, and it felt good. Overall, there were some amazing conversations, friendships made, kindly flirtations, and genuine joviality.

Secondly, I caved. I bought a Blackberry Pearl. I know, I know. What do I need with it? Well, the thing is, my job sort of calls for it (not necessarily, but, it's hard to explain). And I'm addicted to the Internet, so why not? I'll give it a go for a few weeks and if it doesn't do me well, then I'll pack it back down to a normal phone and normal service. My number is still the same, but I'm now on T-Mobile. A-freaking-men.

So that's that. I hope everyone had a thoughtful Shabbat. Despite my efforts to make it to shul last night, stepping in a gigantic pile of mud/snow/slush caused me to head straight home. Thus, I am starting 2008 by attending my first Shabbat of the year at the Conservative synagogue. It's a big step, but, I have a really good feeling about it. We'll see where that takes me, but I've heard some good things about the congregation there.

Laila tov, friends, and may you and yours be well as we near 2008.

Change is a comin'!

So there is a lot I really should talk about, among them being the fact that I'm moving on Tuesday across town to a nice neighborhood called Buena Park. Also among them being that I spoke on the phone today with the head of a certain Judaic studies department in the Northeast about my possible future at their school. Things are changing, so quickly!

But I wanted to write a quick note to let everyone know that I'm part of this amazing project/website, JewsbyChoice.org, which is meant to be an ultimate resource for Jews in Training, Jews Returning and everyone in between. So please, PLEASE check it out. I just posted a piece over there about my name and how it affects me as a Jew. I've been wanting to blog about it for months now, but I was saving it for the JBC website. So please give it a read and comment away if your heart moves you to do so.

Look out for a full-fledged future talk, which should come soon friends. Stay tuned!