A Life in Pieces: Am I a Mommy Blogger?

My greatest fear in life is becoming irrelevant. The answer from my Facebook friends, as suspected, was that I'll always be relevant ... to my kids.

When I tell people that I never wanted to be a parent, that's the absolute truth. I was terrified of the parenting mistakes I would make, a product of my environment and all. I was afraid that my anxiety and bouts with depression would be terrible for a child. I was worried that my professional pursuits would always make a child play second-fiddle, resulting in them growing up and hating me. I suppose they're all natural fears or anxieties about having kids, but after my first marriage ended rather depressingly, I realized I probably wasn't going to get married again, and I probably wasn't going to ever have kids, and I was truly okay with that.

But then, of course, the narrative knows that I met Mr. T, got pregnant right away, and now I have two kids (after swearing the moment Asher was born that I'd never have more because of how traumatic it was). And then, after Little T, and juggling two, I once again vowed to never, ever, ever, ever have kids ever again. And I'm okay with that.

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When I started this blog in April 2006, an amazing eleven years ago, I was almost at my Reform conversion, graduating college, and heading off for my prestigious Dow Jones News Fund internship at The Washington Post. I spent a year in Washington, D.C., alone, miserable, and depressed. I walked away from that internship-turned-full-time job without reservation. People told me I was crazy, that people would kill for that job. And now, looking back at that decision to leave, and seeing colleagues still there during all the Trump drama, I have to wonder if I missed out. I loved writing headlines, I loved finessing the copy of amazing reporters who were terrible writers. I was good at what I did.

I left DC for Chicago, for a boy, and ended up spending a little over a year working at the University of Chicago as the "everything girl" for Nobel-prize-winning economist James Heckman. That 24/7 job is what forced me into attempting Shabbat observance, to deciding to pursue an Orthodox conversion, and to applying and entering graduate school for a master's in Judaic studies from 2008-2010 in Storrs, Connecticut.

During my time there, I met my first husband, got to catalog and inventory hundreds of donated books, including an impressive collection of haggadot, and to fully immerse myself in Judaism and Judaic literature that I so miss. Those were years where the only work I did was schoolwork, because my hours spent cataloging weren't really work, there were a joy. I taught freshman, I graded papers. It was a dream. It gave me a glimpse of a future I thought I could have in academics, as an educator, a researcher, a dreamer.

Then I got married in May 2010, we moved to New Jersey, and I started up at NYU, pursuing my second and third master's degrees in Judaic studies and Jewish education. A year later, my marriage was over, and the academic program was a repeat of what I got in Storrs, so I quit and skipped town for Colorado.

After a year in Colorado working for the Colorado Agency for Jewish Education, paying off all my debt, and finding myself after going off the derech and back on, I made aliyah in October 2012. While in Israel, I found work as a content writer, social media manager, and wife. But the paid work was inconsistent and unpredictable, my father was sick, and we ended up back in the States in April 2014.

My work in the U.S. was inconsistent until April 2015 when I got a job at a Silicon Valley startup, and I worked there for two years, while taking side projects and freelance one-off gigs to supplement my income. I left that job in February and have been floating since then, dreaming.

Dreaming of being a full-time writer.

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The thing about Mommy Bloggers, is that they're usually Stay-at-Home Moms who have the fodder of finger painting and playdates to inform their posts. Many turn their blogs into money-making enterprises with product reviews and sponsorships. For some Mommy Bloggers, writing is a full-time job, and every moment of life is a potential post waiting to happen.

I took the plunge and the kids will be home with me for two full weeks in August when we return from the UK and, starting August 21st, they'll be home with me every Tuesday and Thursday. My calendar is already full of events through the end of the year: Free days at the museums, library reading time, etc.

The question, I guess, is whether I'll get lost in moments with my children or turn my pen toward being a Mommy Blogger. The angle?

Career-Focused anti-Mommy turned SAHM Mommy Blogger

Yes, the kids are still in daycare three days a week, but my professional pursuits are sort of in limbo right now. I'm over social media and digital marketing. I'm not interested in that grind anymore professionally. I'm still all over it for my personal "brand," but professionally, I don't find great joy in hustling for others.

So my days alone will be writing, writing, and more writing. Cooking. Reflecting. Hopefully just enjoying what I have, where I'm going, who I am.

Or, maybe, figuring out who I am at all and whether being relevant really matters.

The Introverted Mom with the Extroverted Child

I've been hustling hardcore to find work as a writer these days. It's what I love, it's what I'm best at, and it's what I should be doing with my life. Luckily, some brave souls are biting and taking me up on my writing chops.

Up today on MazelTogether:

The Unexpected Mother and Interactions with Unsolicited Emails

Yesterday, while digging through the bucket of unsolicited emails I get en masse on a daily basis, one caught my eye and I actually replied. I don't know how I ended up on the email list, and I don't know why I responded, but it went something like this:

It's one of those emails that looks like it's personal, straight to the end user, but it's SPAM, we all know it. I knew it, too. But, tired, sick for the past few weeks, coughing since October, overwhelmed by life and bills and everything else, I hit REPLY. I wrote this:

I wrote this, mind you, while sitting in solitude on the toilet. During the day when the kids were in daycare because, let's be honest, when the kids are home, Little T is crawling around my ankles and Asher is bringing dozens of toys into the loo to play with while I attempt to do my business.

The original sender, Kathryn, sent back an email that was pretty generic, empathizing with my comments and fears. I had hoped for something more. I'm not sure what, but something.

Part of me thought that by putting my words out into the universe to some random, unsolicited email that some magic peace or calming reality would hit me.

It didn't.

Now I just want a bowl of ice cream.

Doing All the Things and More

Asher's upsherin was a success! He's a super handsome kid with short hair.

Ah where to begin. Here are some random things that I'm dealing with/coping with/going through.

• At present, I'm working one FT job and three PT jobs/projects. How do I have time for all the things? I don't. Will there be a breaking point? Probably. Do I need all the jobs? Yes. Life is expensive. Kids are expensive. My health insurance can't be beat. Am I tired? Very. Do I need a break? Yes. Do I need a vacation? Yes. And it needs to involve me not having my phone with me. 
• I discovered the only thing wrong with Colorado when I was in California for a few days for work. That thing is elevation's effect on my mommy responsibilities. You see, I manage to pump a lot more milk at lower elevations than here. We're talking triple the amount. I'm deeply annoyed by this fact and don't know how much more liquid I can possibly consume. 
• Both of my kids are uniquely spirited. I'm baffled and amazed and blown away every day at how loving, kind, and nurturing they are. Was I like that at a child? I don't know. I don't think so. But if my son says, "Mommy, you's a beautiful lady" one more time my heart will explode with Asher-shaped confetti. 
• I like working in an office with people, especially super intelligent and passionate people. But I also find it incredibly exhausting to be surrounded by people all day, which is funny, because I prefer to work from coffee shops. 
• The smell of bacon has been really, really appealing to me lately. I don't know why. I always hated bacon as a child. Thus, tonight we're making (tofu) BLTs for dinner. 
• My greatest struggle these days as a Jew is keeping kosher. Not the actual act of it, but the attraction of fast food and the food of my childhood. I think it has to do with stress, because I'm a serious stress eater. When I'm stressed, I want to eat, a lot, and the more comforting the better. So I drive past places like Chick-Fil-A and McDonalds and Taco Bell and think about all the food I used to gorge on back in the day. Most of it I couldn't eat now anyway on account of me being gluten free, but the stuff I could eat, I could. Driving past those places every day gives my heart an ache and my "what if" brain a serious think. I think it's also really hard living in a place where you really aren't jazzed with the kosher options (all two of them, unless you're counting ice cream, in which case there's like five). 
• I've been binge watching the show Justified. It's changed my language back to the language of my people (my people hailing from France and then Virginia and then Tennessee and then Missouri). 

Oh life. What's new with you? 

An Announcement!

I'm pretty sure this stuff isn't kosher, but I can guarantee that what I'm cooking up definitely is. Here's hoping we didn't use all the cute juice on Asher, right?

BAM!

The Baby Update!

Well, we've entered week 35, which means I'm only a few weeks away from this baby deciding to show up whenever he/she wants. Yes, we know what we're having, but it's going to be a gigantic surprise for all of you out there in TV land! (Er ... internet land?)

Infinite Chavivas in the mirror! 

I've hit hard times in the physical department, with the Braxton-Hicks contractions doing a serious number on me. I'm sleeping worse than I was before because my body is constantly in some kind of bizarre stiff pain. Theoretically I'm due on December 11, which means I could have one long month of pain, discomfort, and frustrating gastrointestinal pain. But it's all worth it, right? It means my body is doing what it needs to and that my body is in preparation mode.

At this point, the nice thing to know is: The end is nigh! There is an end in sight.

I've hit a point where I'm starting to really love these baby movements and the waves of my belly. I love shoving the baby's bum out of the way when it's making me uncomfortable or how the baby gets really active in the early evening hours. (As I write this, baby is moving about. Is it because of the tapping on the keys? Criminal Minds playing in the background? Or maybe it's the construction going on next door.) I'm starting to wonder how I'm going to cope with missing this cutie in utero once baby arrives. Do women who love the kicks and nudges and movements easily get over missing those movements?

Pre-Shabbat, it's Redefining Rebbetzin's Melissa and I

sporting our baby bumps! These kids'll be friends for life. 

As the due date sits just a month away, I've started wondering if we have everything we need for a new baby. Yes, we've got the carseat and a changing pad and a mini pack-and-play style bed for the bedroom. We've got some outfits to get us started and a swaddler/sleeper for baby to sleep in. I'm still on the fence about whether to start out with cloth diapers or start out with disposables until we get to the U.S. in February (parents have to meet the baby sometime), so we're diaperless. Do I need babywipes for when the baby comes home? What about bottles? I don't have a breast pump for those "just in case" moments when maybe dad wants to feed baby, either.

I know they say babies don't need much, and we don't have any money sitting around to prepare for baby, so how is a girl supposed to nest!? The bedroom is a mess, serving as storage, and although the baby won't be sleeping there right away, it kind of kills me that there isn't a space for baby setup and waiting. I always dreamed of having a baby room complete with crib and dresser/changing table set, walls properly painted, clothing nicely folded and put away, a glider chair in the corner for nursing and reading baby books. I know I shouldn't feel like I'm a neglectful mother, but I can't help feeling that this isn't how I planned it.

But what can you do? As long as the baby is healthy, the baby will be happy. Now, on to happier, brighter, better topics.

There have been many of you who've asked for a baby shower or something similar, a virtual celebration of baby, but it's not exactly what Orthodox Jews do (and boy do Orthodox Jews have opinions about this). That being said, my family isn't Jewish, I have a lot of non-Orthodox friends, and creating baby registries is just ... fun. So I've created a few registries in case you're really jonesing to get me something (more will be added after the baby is born and I can get gender-specific).

The shipping address is my mom in Nebraska, but if you want to buy something and send it straight to Israel, that's cool, too (and saves my mom on shipping).

  

(Note:If you're sending to Israel, find the baby at Baby Gordon-Bennett | Box 323 | Neve Daniel 90909 ISRAEL. But be sure to label the box, or else I might not know who it's coming from! But whatever you do, make sure the package is marked under $50 and "used" or "gift" or else they'll confiscate it and I'll have to battle with the tax authority.)

And now? It's back to giving the baby all the attention in the world and nursing my Braxton-Hicks pain ... should we start a poll on when the baby will show up? 

Also: Did you spot the theme? Monkeys. Don't make gender assumptions. We're just expecting this baby to be a cheeky monkey!

It Begins: The Jewish Motherhood Project

You might remember The Tzniut Project from way back when, which was so incredibly fascinating, enlightening, and fun, so I thought it was time for a new project: The Jewish Motherhood Project.

You can respond to the questions anonymously or with your name, or if you want a pseudonym (always wanted to be a Tzippi?), feel free to include that, too. I'm looking for honest, candid responses from first-time moms and those with a brood of a dozen! Pass along the URL -- the more responses, the more interesting/revealing it will be about the world of Jewish motherhood.

Stay tuned for the posts right here on the blog, too!