Doing All the Things and More

Asher's upsherin was a success! He's a super handsome kid with short hair.

Ah where to begin. Here are some random things that I'm dealing with/coping with/going through.

• At present, I'm working one FT job and three PT jobs/projects. How do I have time for all the things? I don't. Will there be a breaking point? Probably. Do I need all the jobs? Yes. Life is expensive. Kids are expensive. My health insurance can't be beat. Am I tired? Very. Do I need a break? Yes. Do I need a vacation? Yes. And it needs to involve me not having my phone with me. 
• I discovered the only thing wrong with Colorado when I was in California for a few days for work. That thing is elevation's effect on my mommy responsibilities. You see, I manage to pump a lot more milk at lower elevations than here. We're talking triple the amount. I'm deeply annoyed by this fact and don't know how much more liquid I can possibly consume. 
• Both of my kids are uniquely spirited. I'm baffled and amazed and blown away every day at how loving, kind, and nurturing they are. Was I like that at a child? I don't know. I don't think so. But if my son says, "Mommy, you's a beautiful lady" one more time my heart will explode with Asher-shaped confetti. 
• I like working in an office with people, especially super intelligent and passionate people. But I also find it incredibly exhausting to be surrounded by people all day, which is funny, because I prefer to work from coffee shops. 
• The smell of bacon has been really, really appealing to me lately. I don't know why. I always hated bacon as a child. Thus, tonight we're making (tofu) BLTs for dinner. 
• My greatest struggle these days as a Jew is keeping kosher. Not the actual act of it, but the attraction of fast food and the food of my childhood. I think it has to do with stress, because I'm a serious stress eater. When I'm stressed, I want to eat, a lot, and the more comforting the better. So I drive past places like Chick-Fil-A and McDonalds and Taco Bell and think about all the food I used to gorge on back in the day. Most of it I couldn't eat now anyway on account of me being gluten free, but the stuff I could eat, I could. Driving past those places every day gives my heart an ache and my "what if" brain a serious think. I think it's also really hard living in a place where you really aren't jazzed with the kosher options (all two of them, unless you're counting ice cream, in which case there's like five). 
• I've been binge watching the show Justified. It's changed my language back to the language of my people (my people hailing from France and then Virginia and then Tennessee and then Missouri). 

Oh life. What's new with you? 

Lech Lecha: But How?

If you want to read some really awesome and emotional posts, there is one from 2008, and I know others exist I just, I don't have the energy to find them. So what now? What brilliant morsel can I add to the catalog of Going Forth (לך לך)?

Ultimately, I view Lech Lecha as HaShem telling Avram to go forth toward himself, to go forth and discover who he was meant to be. But not just to go forth into the ether, a cloud of mystery and the unknown, but to do it with a purpose and a thought in mind.

"I have set G-d before me at all times" (Psalms 16:8), I think, is the key thought here. Go forth, with G-d in mind, and get it done. Figure yourself out. Take the steps and find your true self.

I've reached an impasse ... with myself.

This week was probably the most trying week of my life (of recent memory). I was sick last weekend and I didn't bother to give myself enough time to recover. I've been exhausted, coughing, and drained all week. I didn't get my schoolwork done, I didn't perform in class, I left my Academic Hebrew course this morning completely defeated. I couldn't answer questions, I was distant, I was completely disengaged. This week has put a lot of things in perspective, including the fact that graduate school isn't what it used to be. By that, of course, I mean that I don't have the time or energy to engage in classes: I don't live on or anywhere near campus, I have an annoying commute, I can't be a part of the experience because I have obligations of, oh, you know, married life and being an adult. Basically, life's gotten in the way of my academic aspirations.

And now? I'm asking myself: Can I do this? Can I do this while married and being Suzy Homemaker?

When I was at UConn, I lived on campus and, yes, Tuvia and I were full-time dating, but there was this unspoken rule that school came first. I also didn't have to cook and clean and run errands and sit in traffic like I do now. It was easier.

And I've never been one who chooses easy over what I want. But now, I'm just wondering, am I asking for too much? Has HaShem handed me this impasse?

My sentiments about life in general right now are exacerbated by the fact that Jews around me are dropping like flies. By this I mean losing faith in "the system" and toying with hopping off the derech. Monkey sees, monkey does, right?

Lech Lecha, this week's Torah portion says. Go forth. To a land that I will show you, it goes. In a perfect world, I'd pick up and move to Israel and get my spiritual self re-organized. But, of course, like I said, life. I have a job and school and a husband and a life. A life that is too big for me right now. Time to regroup. Reexamine.

So, for me, right now, Lech Lecha means going forth to figure. it. out. It, of course, being me. And this all comes after the chagim. Shouldn't I have done this already? Then again, underconstructionism is my policy. A work in progress, always and forever. And the only direction, in my opinion, is up. There's no turning back at this point. There's no down, just forward and onward. 


Shabbat shalom, friends. May you find peace in your hearts, calm in your homes. 

A brief catch-up.

I'll admit I didn't get around to blogging on T'rumah last week. There are a bounty of reasons for it, including that I didn't get through it. The reason being that there's been a lot going on, and I left for Chicago on Friday (I'm still in Chicago, actually). So I'll briefly explain what's been going on, and then there'll be some bloggin' on this week's parshah, T'tzavveh.

I met with my boss last week to explain that I will no longer be working where I work as of March 16. Ian (that's the boyfriend) is flying out that day and we're driving all my goods to Chicago, where I am moving. I've been in Chicago since Friday just visiting, I needed a getaway. Also, when this trip was planned, the move to Chicago was not completely in stone. The past month has been incredibly, completely world-wind. I've taken a big leap and decided that I'm going to move to Chicago to pursue at least a piece of my world that I've been putting off for nearly three years. That's the boy, of course. I originally was going to tryout at RedEye (Chicago's free daily that's run by the Tribune Company), but after talking with my boss and finding out that there have been some "concerns" about my focus lately, I canceled the tryout. It isn't worth getting another newspaper job when it is so, 100 percent clear that I'm just not in it anymore. It was clear at that moment, when she issued her support and excitement for me that I realized I can't do newspapers anymore. I can't do the hours, the lifestyle, none of it.

So I'm moving to Chicago in nearly two weeks -- jobless. Anyone who knows me will know that this is probably the most outlandish, insane thing I could possibly do to myself, mostly because I am incredibly money conscious and paranoid about being broke. Especially after learning to NOT live from paycheck to paycheck these past six months or so. But here I am, throwing it to the wind and, with my savings in tow, I'm hoping to tough it out and find a gig working 9 to 5 or something like it. I don't really care what I'm doing, though I'll probably pursue a Jewish-oriented gig (Jewish Federation or the like) or a library position. I'm also applying for editing jobs, but only at places that are not, I repeat NOT, newspapers. I can edit, I love editing. Just not like that.

My reasons for moving are many. I already mentioned the boy, but there's also that I loathe Washington DC and that my job is obviously not working out. Additionally, I've compromised and neglected synagogue and my dedication and commitment to the Jewish community (for my personal growth, this is no type of competition) for the past eight months. I can't do it anymore. It's not something I'm willing to compromise any longer, and I thought I could for a little while, but there's a part of me that has suffered, and I now need to regain that part of me that used to sing when I stepped into synagogue.

Ian and I went to a shul here north of the city on Friday. I really liked the rabbi, but not so much the service. I struggled to focus on the material and the prayers because I was too frustrated that they were using the siddur from the 70s and that the congregation seemed stuck somewhere between Reform and Conservative. It shouldn't have bothered me, but it did. Well, and the fact that the wall behind the bimah looked like a giant wall of matzoh (it was supposed to be a makeup of the wall in Jerusalem, I believe).

Anyhow, I'm moving to Chicago in two weeks. I'm stoked, and if anyone who happens to read this regularly lives there or near there, let me know and we'll get coffee. Otherwise, I raise my Chai to the future, in hopes that I'll find what I'm looking for in study, focus and happiness.

Amen.