Day 8: Learning to Love Myself

Okay, I've lazied out on my attempt at blogging from this list every day, but not without good reason. You see, this week has been insanely busy at work, which means that I've decided to skip a few days to Day 8's task, because, well, it was the next in the list that seemed to resonate the most with me.

Start being more polite to yourself. – If you had a friend who spoke to you in the same way that you sometimes speak to yourself, how long would you allow that person to be your friend? The way you treat yourself sets the standard for others. You must love who you are or no one else will.

I had to be taught, at the age of 28, to say "thank you." If you think I'm joking, I'll put you in touch with the therapist who forced me to figure out how to say it without deflecting, explaining away, or just ignoring whatever kind words were sent my way.

I grew up a fat kid with eczema and glasses. It was suggested at the of 13 or so that I could be the first fat Miss America. I had the butterball turkey song offered up to me at the pool. Etc. Etc. Etc. Yes, we all go through growing pains, but most people get some shot at kindness and a "normal" body. Not this girl! Nope, from day one I was a chubster and up until now, I've maintained that "fiercely real" body that Tyra Banks talks about. Except that my skin isn't as taut and shiny and perfect in those trouble spots like thighs and tummy and tushie. I'm more "real" than even Tyra's girls.

I struggle daily with being okay with how I look, and it's become apparent to me that the way I see myself and the way others see me are two very different things. Most are shocked by my weight, my BMI that categorizes me as "morbidly obese."

"No way! You can't be that weight!" they say.

I am. The truth is, as many have said, I wear my weight "well." My goal for many years has been to be healthy, not thin. My current adventures in eating, body products, exercising, and such are geared toward the former, not the latter. The truth is I'll never be thin. And I'm hoping that someday soon I'll be able to be okay with that.

They say you have to love yourself before anyone else can love you, but I'm starting to believe that isn't true. Loving yourself, seeing the positives, and being polite to oneself are life-long struggles and journeys. Having someone else stand by you and help you see the beauty that you might miss in the day-to-day.

So here I am, learning to be polite to myself. My first compliment? Good lord Chaviva, you sure know how to rock headband!

Days Four and Five: Being Happy, as Me

I missed the chance yesterday (and practically today, Saturday) to do days four and five of my month of self-re-discovery, so here they are, two of them now! If you're curious what this is all about, it derives from this post.

Start making your own happiness a priority. – Your needs matter. If you don’t value yourself, look out for yourself, and stick up for yourself, you’re sabotaging yourself. Remember, it IS possible to take care of your own needs while simultaneously caring for those around you. And once your needs are met, you will likely be far more capable of helping those who need you most.

I spent most of Shabbos finishing up Rachel Dratch's "Girl Walks Into a Bar" -- blog post forthcoming -- and starting and finishing a book called "Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help YouFind -- and Keep -- Love." Written by a few stellar academically minded yidden, the book's subject matter is ...

We rely on science to tell us everything from what to eat to when and how long to exercise, but what about relationships? Is there a scientific explanation for why some people seem to navigate relationships effortlessly, while others struggle? According to psychiatrist and neuroscientist Dr. Amir Levine and Rachel Heller, the answer is a resounding "yes." In Attached, Levine and Heller reveal how an understanding of adult attachment-the most advanced relationship science in existence today-can help us find and sustain love. Pioneered by psychologist John Bowlby in the 1950s, the field of attachment posits that each of us behaves in relationships in one of three distinct ways: anxious, avoidant, secure. 

So, what did I get out of this book? (Note: I don't usually read self-help books because I don't buy a lot of it. But this book? Holy moses.) My attachment style is anxious. It not only describes me in romantic relationships, but I seem to have realized that it is my style in just about every relationship I have. A fear of loss, a fear of not being loved, and of rejection ... among other things. Hello me! And as for where the marriage went wrong, well, I think that my former spouse was of the "avoidant" style. And avoidant-anxious doesn't match. I'm out to find myself a secure fella.

So what does that have to do with the Day 4's topic of making my own happiness a priority? A lot. At least, I think so. Being successful in a relationship has a lot to do with taking ownership for your own emotions and know how you react, what makes you happy, what makes you sad. When I was married, I learned in a very abrupt way what I need, what I want, and what happiness looks like to me. But what I didn't learn is that it's okay for me to be me, to need certain things. In line with putting my own happiness first, I'm reevaluating what I need and want out of a potential spouse. And for some reason, being able to do that just makes me burst with happiness.

Start being yourself, genuinely and proudly. – Trying to be anyone else is a waste of the person you are. Be yourself. Embrace that individual inside you that has ideas, strengths and beauty like no one else. Be the person you know yourself to be – the best version of you – on your terms. Above all, be true to YOU, and if you cannot put your heart in it, take yourself out of it.

This sort of goes back to what I've been experiencing as I figure out how to be more comfortable in the skin that was once my own. I am absolutely ridiculous. I'm strong-willed, highly opinionated, and I can be overwhelming on first contact. I'm passionate about being an observant Jewish woman, and I'm passionate about the food I cook and what I put into my body. I get really into television shows, I dream of being a 1950s housewife (but liberated, you know), I love Kurt Vonnegut and Philip Roth. I have weird obsessions with the organization of my kitchen and my spices, and I put my clothes in order in my closet by color. I have insane allergies and tend to have little patience for the heat and sweating, unless I'm working out. I have very little will power, I eat a pint of gelato in one sitting more often than I care to admit. Oh, and I speak to myself in Hebrew just about every second that I am alone. I'd love to move to Israel, but, let's be honest, I'm a child of seasons, and I need winter. I have a large collection of Judaica books and I'm obsessed with getting more (when I can afford it). I'm horrible with finances, I love my little brother more than anyone else on the planet, and I'd do anything for him. I love penguins and meekats, and I'm obsessed with zoos and drive-in movie theaters. I have a thing for classic cars, and I hate pampering myself (I've never had a manicure or pedicure).

That's me, myself, and I. I don't think I've ever had a problem being myself, except for those 16 months of marriage strangeness. Now that I know my attachment type, I can definitely see why I was who I was during those months.

Onward!

Day Three: Let's Get Honest

It's a new month, and if you recall from this post, I promised to focus on a different thing every day that will help me refocus on myself. So I give you ...

Start being honest with yourself about everything. – Be honest about what’s right, as well as what needs to be changed. Be honest about what you want to achieve and who you want to become. Be honest with every aspect of your life, always. Because you are the one person you can forever count on. Search your soul, for the truth, so that you truly know who you are. Once you do, you’ll have a better understanding of where you are now and how you got here, and you’ll be better equipped to identify where you want to go and how to get there. 

Honestly? Done and done. I'm finding that I'm more introspective than I ever thought, and there's something about the people I'm surrounding myself with and the Colorado air and life that is making revelations and realizations come out of the woodwork.

Search your soul, for the truth, so that you truly know who you are.
Ultimately, that's what this is all about. Figuring out who I am, who I truly am. Getting back to that person whose skin I once was comfortable in, but having grown with the knowledge of what I need and want out of a spouse, out of life, out of relationships. 

And, of course, it's these things that will show me where I want to go. 

Day Two: Hello, Problems

It's a new month, and if you recall from this post, I promised to focus on a different thing every day that will help me refocus on myself. So I give you ...

Start facing your problems head on. – It isn’t your problems that define you, but how you react to them and recover from them. Problems will not disappear unless you take action. Do what you can, when you can, and acknowledge what you’ve done. It’s all about taking baby steps in the right direction, inch by inch. These inches count, they add up to yards and miles in the long run.

UGH. Seriously? Day Two and I have to take all of my problems head on. My problems, as you well know, are vast and ridiculous and I'm really good at shoving my problems into tiny little holes and forgetting about them. Despite being one who often preaches that the only thing we can control is how we react to problems, I rarely practice what I preach.

Wait, I take that back.

When it comes to life's small problems, this is precisely what I do. When it comes to divorce, family excision, financial problems, and the like, I react poorly. Despair has become second nature for me. It's the easiest way to react to any situation. Pain and hurt and hate are always easier than healing and learning to love again.

I'm working hard right now not to push the pain of the past year and a half of my life. It's what I know, it's what easy, but it's also stopped working. For years, it worked. And then something broke and it stopped working. So acknowledging what I have done is all that I can do now. Baby steps!

I'm just eager to make those steps turn into miles. Because once there are miles, I'll be ready for all that life has to offer.

Also, I have to add an anecdote I recently read about worries. There's a classic Yiddish blessing that says:

May you have many worries.

At first glance, it seems like a horrible blessing. Why would you tell someone to have many worries!? It's counterintuitive. However, when you think about it, many worries are better than one gigantic worry.

I'll take that. I just have to let those many problems and worries stop defining me.

Day One: Good Times, Good People

It's a new month, and if you recall from this post, I promised to focus on a different thing every day that will help me refocus on myself. So I give you ...

Day One: Start spending time with the right people.
These are the people you enjoy, who love and appreciate you, and who encourage you to improve in healthy and exciting ways. They are the ones who make you feel more alive, and not only embrace who you are now, but also embrace and embody who you want to be, unconditionally.

The funny thing about this particular item is that my therapist has tasked me with integrating myself into a community, with good people, healthy people. Over the past week, I hit up some YAD events, spent Shabbat with friends and spent Sunday up in Boulder getting to know new and awesome Jews. I think I'm off to a good start. 

The bummer is that so many of the people who love and appreciate me are in far-away lands like New York, New Jersey, Canada, Israel ... and I have them only in my online world. Despite how strong the connections and emotions are, it's not the same as in-person interactions. 

So what can I do to start spending time with the right people? Well, I think that canceling my internet and cable will go a long way in forcing me to be more social. Either that or it will drive me to become quite the hermit. But then I think: Doctor's orders!

I'm trying to spend regular time at the gym, but lately it's only been about three days a week, which is my commitment on GymPact. This past week I flaked and ended up suffering my $15 pact fee. I've never been good at talking to people at the gym, but every time I see someone wearing a remotely Jewish shirt I think "I should talk to that person." Not that I only want to make Jewish friends, but you know, it's the easiest connection for me. 

And, of course, I want to spend more time in Boulder. I feel like the people there, even if they don't know me well, love and appreciate me. 

So Day One: Start spending time with the right people. It's more challenging than you think. I might seem like an extrovert, but shockingly I spend a lot of time with me, myself, and I. 

Do YOU spend time with the right people? If you've also struggled, how have you made it happen?