Ask Chaviva Anything: Of Marriage and Mr. T

It's been awhile since I responded to some of the Ask Chaviva Anything questions, so I thought I'd go through and answer a bunch in one quick (hopefully) post. This round of questions is devoted to marriage and family life, in honor of celebration FOUR YEARS of marriage to Mr. T on February 20th.

Ready? Let's roll.

Did you go through the shidduch process with Mr. T?

For those of you not in the know, the shidduch process is a matchmaking process, wherein you rely on a third party to find a suitable, meaningful marriage match. The answer to this is yes! I actually used a website called Saw You at Sinai, wherein there are matchmakers around the world who look through your profile and answers to questions to find you a match. Then they pair you up with people and both sides get the opportunity to deny/accept the potential opportunity to talk or meet. I'd been on SYAS for months, and I can't even begin to tell you how many men declined the opportunity to even talk to me. As a divorced convert, I wasn't such an attractive match, it seems. I tried to be really open and not picky, so I accepted several potential matches, but the first one that stuck was Mr. T. His profile said he was divorced with a kid and was a smoker, but something about his photos and profile sang to me. Shortly after we met, he quit smoking cold turkey (I have asthma, so this was a deal breaker), and the rest is history. 

What / when will you tell your children about your first marriage?

Honestly, I don't know that I'll tell them anything about it. However, if it comes up, or they ask, or they're getting toward the age of marrying, I'll tell them about it, because I believe it provides a valuable lesson about expectations and when to follow your heart and when to follow your gut. My first marriage and that entire relationship is an example of so many things, primary among them happiness, what that looks like, and what you're willing to do in pursuit of it. 

When are you returning home, permanently?

Home is where the heart is. My heart is currently in Denver. If you're asking when we're going to return to Israel, the answer to that is when we have enough money and stability to get by for 2-3 years without worry. It is taking longer than we anticipated for that to happen. I refuse to put my children in the position of "living in the red" and struggling from paycheck to paycheck. It might be the Israeli way, but it's not the way I want to live my life. 

You seem to be having a rough time of it lately, between 2 kids & your job. Do you feel things would have been easier had you stayed in Israel? Or, despite the difficulties, is it still easier in the US?

No. Life would have been rougher had we stayed in Israel. Period. Also, since this questions was asked, I quit my job, and I'm finding that ONE THING that will make me happy, so I'm moving in the direction of finding my happy/stable/productive place.

Do you ever find yourself upset still at how hard it was for your husband to reimmigrate to the USA?

Absolutely, yes. Especially as Little T gets closer and closer to the age Asher was when Mr. T left, I start to see milestones that he missed, and it breaks my heart that he missed those opportunities with Asher, but it also makes me so happy that he gets to experience those with our daughter. 

Next up: Questions About Conversion! Stay tuned ... 

Have a question to ask? Pop over and ask with perfect anonymity!

Adventures in Frum Dating

Saw You at Sinai and Frumster. Yes, I'm on them both. They are sort of the only "legit" frum (observant) dating sites out there for folks like me. And so far, the adventure has been interesting.

I don't want to bash any of the guys I've spoken with or met, but I do want to give y'all a little taste of what it's like to be Chaviva in the frum dating world, specifically online, because let's be honest -- Colorado is crawling with attractive, single Jewish guys, but when it comes to hashkafah, there isn't such a match for me. (Yes, I know I "turned" my ex frum, but I'm not going down that road again. Meet me in the middle guys, come on!)

What other kind of convert would I be exactly?

I've been most active on Frumster. And when I say active, I mean it's that insane "click reply every two seconds" kind of active. As if magically out of the ether my bashert will both look at my profile and actually email me. 

You see, I'm discovering that people do a lot of looking and very little interacting. Or maybe it's just me? Those taking a gander at me have ranged from 24 to mid-50s, everything from divorced men to widows to guys with multiple kids that don't live with them (which always makes me wonder what the story is). I have a habit of finding a guy hilarious or interesting and sending a message. Most of the time, the bochur is kind enough to reply, but in that "I'm replying because I feel obligated so don't message me again" kind of way. No room for questions, no actually asking of questions.

I've met two of the three guys I seriously interacted with so far on Frumster. The third was LA guy, and that didn't work out for reasons not worth divulging here (yes, I honor and appreciate a bit of a private life!). The other two guys I met while out vacationing in Chicago. One of the guys' sisters had recently been married, so I got to be there for some hardcore segula wine. I drank it and prayed for my bashert to appear with a Houdini poof. I'm still waiting on that one. Both of the guys were really nice, but ultimately the friend vibe was stronger than the romantic vibe. In retrospect, and at the advice of another bochur I met while there who jazzed me left and right suggested that the next time I schlep across country to meet a fella I ask him to chip in on the gas. Smart thinking!

Although, truth be told, the next interested guy better haul himself to me. I'm a lady. Be a chivalrous white-horse toting gentleman, okay?

GOLD baby. I'm gold. 

On Saw You at Sinai, the story is a little different. You rely on shadchanim or matchmakers to do the kindly work for you. I'm okay with this because, well, it's easier when there's an intermediary. It's something I actually love about the idea of shidduch dating. On the other hand, I haven't been successful. Of the six matches, I declined three of them (with legit reasons, actually) and two declined me. The other is "active," and I'm waiting with utter anticipation praying that perhaps something positive will come of it. Everyone dreads a match "timing out" on SYAS. It can mean one of two things: The person is too scared to say "yes" or "no" because of what the other person may have said and/or they just don't check their SYAS account often enough. You pray for the latter. 

And then there's the old fashioned "who do you know" thing. That's failed me so far -- after all, I don't have a network of relatives around the world to help in the shidduching.

Oh dating. I'll be completely honest: I've never hated dating. People always show up when I'm not looking and I've managed a lot of long-term relationships and romances that have served me well. But things are different now.

Being frum means there are certain things you can't do before marriage, and it also means that in communities like this where the amount of frum single people can be counted on one hand that you're mostly alone in your endeavors. This isn't Washington Heights, folks. There are no singles dinners or groups of girls getting together to keep each other company. Don't get me wrong -- there are, as I said, lots of single Jews in Colorado. It's just being one of those in the frum category that puts you out.

It's like me, as a gluten-freegan, having a job in a kosher bread factory. So much to be had! But so much of which I cannot partake.

I'm trying not to get hung up on being a divorced convert. In fact, I'm beginning to wonder if this very blog is getting me down when it comes to the shidduch universe. Anyone who Googles me will see that I'm quite ever-present on the world wide web. To the kind of men I might fancy, this can be a huge turnoff.

Patience is not a personality trait I harbor. Oh HaShem give me strength.