Ask Chaviva Anything!: Of Observance and Conversion

Now, for another installment of ...

Don't forget to ask your questions, too.

The first question is bold (and a little presumptuous).

Given your many changes, what would you say to prospective in-laws who were questioning your ability to stay frum?

Simple: "Hello. I'm Chaviva. I want to marry your son just as much as he wants to marry me." What else is there to say? I don't think there's anything to say about my "ability" to "stay frum." I am what I am, and the right man and his family will take me for who I am, no questions asked.

The next question is a toughie, but a question that comes up a lot.

What is the most difficult thing about being a convert? 

Honestly I don't know how to peg just one thing. I suppose the easiest one to pick out is the feeling of never being completely up to snuff. At a recent Shabbat meal, we were discussing some of the bizarre traditions that it takes a while to get the hang of (let alone to seek out the origins of such things), and I quipped how for converts it's a long and dusty trail to get all of these things down pat with full understanding and comprehension. Someone pointed out that it's just as difficult for people who grow up Jewish or even for ba'alei teshuvah (people who don't grow up religious but "return" to religious Judaism). It was a true enough point, but what it doesn't account for is the fact that someone born Jewish who isn't quite up to speed on certain customs or traditions won't be scoffed at for his lack of knowledge. He'll be embraced, educated, and come out all the better for it. Oftentimes a convert will be scoffed at or questioned as to where exactly they did their learning and conversion. It's just not the same. Kiruv (outreach) is Jews converting Jews; it doesn't go far in the world of helping converts or wannabe Jews in fulfilling the calling of their neshamot (souls).

This last question is just as tough, and it hits on a problem with which I think all converts struggle.

One of the things I didn't expect when I started off the conversion process was the loneliness. I have great friends and family, but sometimes its hard for people to "get" it. What tips do you have for getting through without burdening the people around you with your kvetching about Jew-issues? 

I think one thing you have to do is establish your Jewish "family" and find a few individuals who can and will be there for you to listen -- not necessarily to say "I understand," because no one really can -- to the ups and downs and everything in between. There's a reason I set up a support group for converts at all stages of the journey, but even still, all of our journeys are different and because we're all in the thick of it, we're not always the best listeners. When I was going through my Reform conversion, I had an amazing rabbi and congregation (not to mention online community even back then) that helped me deal with some of the loneliest of moments. When I was going through my Orthodox conversion, a family sort of "adopted" me and took me under their wing every Shabbat and Jewish holiday for nearly an entire year. They listened to me kvetch, they listened to me kvell, they were there through it all and to this day I consider them my mishpacha (family).

No one will ever full "get" what you're going through; we all have such individualized experiences with conversion that the best we can do is try to listen and offer encouragement. That's what I attempt to do when people send me emails or ask me questions. You just have to find a safe space with non-judgmental people who will truly listen without attempting to understand something that they really cannot.

I don't know if that helps. I hope it does!

Have a question? Just ask online!

A Zivug or Bashert?

When we go through life looking for that other half, the piece of ourselves that was incomplete at birth (what Kabbalah calls plag nishmasa – half souls), we often say that we're searching for our bashert -- our soul mate. But what about your zivug? 

In search of my bashert, a Yiddish word meaning destiny, I've run into the term zivug quite a bit, and I'll be honest in saying that I was unfamiliar and unaware of the terminology. From what I can muster up online, zivug is your preordained mate or match. In the Talmud (Sotah 2) Rav Shmuel bar Rav Yitzchak says in the name of Reish Lakish that a man's zivug is made only according to his deeds. The gemara then challenges Reish Lakish by citing Rav Yehudah in the name of Rav, who says that it's about mazal as forty days before creation of the embryo a bat kol issues forth and pronounces his zivug.

We've all heard this before, right? That before we're even born HaShem has already played the part of shadchan (matchmaker). But the gemara goes on in this deeds versus mazal (luck, aka Rav Yehudah's take) to say that in truth they are both right, because there actually are two matches: zivug rishon is based on mazal and zivug sheni is based on deeds. 


Wait, what? Are we being set up to fail!?

According to Rashi, the reason why the zivug is determined according to one's deeds is that if a person's deeds are meritorious, he is given a better zivug. The thought process is that if you're some crazy tzaddik whose deeds go above and beyond what mazal provided, then chances are there's a better zivug out there for him. So his wife dies, he gets a more meritorious bride, and everyone lives happily ever after. The Mekubalim explain that this second matching only happens if one deserves it because of his good words. If he doesn't merit to receive his intended match, he ends up with another woman.  [Note: This whole concept seems to only apply to widows and widowers! (According to Rabbenu Tam.)]

But it makes me wonder if maybe my first marriage didn't work because some tzaddik out there has merited me as a wife. (Oh geez, seriously Chaviva, come on, really?) Wishful thinking never hurt anyone, right? But there's a lot more weight on that second zivug. After all, it's based on our merits. "Under Pressure" doesn't even begin to describe the heft resting on the shoulders of someone searching for their zivug sheni. 

I guess you could say that because of the idea that man and women are created as one that and that because their neshama is as one, that you can have options with zivug, but that only one of them is your bashert. In a way, it's a contingency plan that HaShem has put into place.

I know, I know. I'm providing a very simplified version of the zivug rishon and sheni issue. Read all of the insights here. There's also a great article here that explains things a little bit further, including some of Rambam's approaches to this issue.

And now, back to your regularly scheduled flashbacks of Chaviva performing as the mother of Mottel in Fiddler on the Roof in 2000 in Lincoln, Nebraska.

Adventures in Frum Dating

Saw You at Sinai and Frumster. Yes, I'm on them both. They are sort of the only "legit" frum (observant) dating sites out there for folks like me. And so far, the adventure has been interesting.

I don't want to bash any of the guys I've spoken with or met, but I do want to give y'all a little taste of what it's like to be Chaviva in the frum dating world, specifically online, because let's be honest -- Colorado is crawling with attractive, single Jewish guys, but when it comes to hashkafah, there isn't such a match for me. (Yes, I know I "turned" my ex frum, but I'm not going down that road again. Meet me in the middle guys, come on!)

What other kind of convert would I be exactly?

I've been most active on Frumster. And when I say active, I mean it's that insane "click reply every two seconds" kind of active. As if magically out of the ether my bashert will both look at my profile and actually email me. 

You see, I'm discovering that people do a lot of looking and very little interacting. Or maybe it's just me? Those taking a gander at me have ranged from 24 to mid-50s, everything from divorced men to widows to guys with multiple kids that don't live with them (which always makes me wonder what the story is). I have a habit of finding a guy hilarious or interesting and sending a message. Most of the time, the bochur is kind enough to reply, but in that "I'm replying because I feel obligated so don't message me again" kind of way. No room for questions, no actually asking of questions.

I've met two of the three guys I seriously interacted with so far on Frumster. The third was LA guy, and that didn't work out for reasons not worth divulging here (yes, I honor and appreciate a bit of a private life!). The other two guys I met while out vacationing in Chicago. One of the guys' sisters had recently been married, so I got to be there for some hardcore segula wine. I drank it and prayed for my bashert to appear with a Houdini poof. I'm still waiting on that one. Both of the guys were really nice, but ultimately the friend vibe was stronger than the romantic vibe. In retrospect, and at the advice of another bochur I met while there who jazzed me left and right suggested that the next time I schlep across country to meet a fella I ask him to chip in on the gas. Smart thinking!

Although, truth be told, the next interested guy better haul himself to me. I'm a lady. Be a chivalrous white-horse toting gentleman, okay?

GOLD baby. I'm gold. 

On Saw You at Sinai, the story is a little different. You rely on shadchanim or matchmakers to do the kindly work for you. I'm okay with this because, well, it's easier when there's an intermediary. It's something I actually love about the idea of shidduch dating. On the other hand, I haven't been successful. Of the six matches, I declined three of them (with legit reasons, actually) and two declined me. The other is "active," and I'm waiting with utter anticipation praying that perhaps something positive will come of it. Everyone dreads a match "timing out" on SYAS. It can mean one of two things: The person is too scared to say "yes" or "no" because of what the other person may have said and/or they just don't check their SYAS account often enough. You pray for the latter. 

And then there's the old fashioned "who do you know" thing. That's failed me so far -- after all, I don't have a network of relatives around the world to help in the shidduching.

Oh dating. I'll be completely honest: I've never hated dating. People always show up when I'm not looking and I've managed a lot of long-term relationships and romances that have served me well. But things are different now.

Being frum means there are certain things you can't do before marriage, and it also means that in communities like this where the amount of frum single people can be counted on one hand that you're mostly alone in your endeavors. This isn't Washington Heights, folks. There are no singles dinners or groups of girls getting together to keep each other company. Don't get me wrong -- there are, as I said, lots of single Jews in Colorado. It's just being one of those in the frum category that puts you out.

It's like me, as a gluten-freegan, having a job in a kosher bread factory. So much to be had! But so much of which I cannot partake.

I'm trying not to get hung up on being a divorced convert. In fact, I'm beginning to wonder if this very blog is getting me down when it comes to the shidduch universe. Anyone who Googles me will see that I'm quite ever-present on the world wide web. To the kind of men I might fancy, this can be a huge turnoff.

Patience is not a personality trait I harbor. Oh HaShem give me strength.

Okay, Okay, I Get the Hint!

Breaking news today: Israel is swamped with singles!

Yes, shocking as it is, Israel is having a singles problem, specifically with the 35+ set.

According to the statistics, in 1971 the chance of a 35-year-old woman in Israel being unmarried was 1 in 40. Today, at least one in four women of that age is unattached. The situation is the same with men.

That's a huge departure. The article seems to point divorce as being more acceptable today, which is probably true. The bureau of statistics in Israel, up until 1980, didn't even list divorce as an option -- you were either single or not single. 

I don't believe what one sociologist has to say about the future of women in Israel, however. It seems a little, well, Xena: Warrior Princess Amazon Woman for me. Quite literally. According to Oz Almog, a sociologist from the Israel Studies Department at Haifa University, who has written extensively on Israeli culture, he

believes that the number of single people will grow, especially women, who will be inclined to do away with having a relationship altogether. He even believes that in the future women will start to live in communal dwellings, a sort of Amazonian kibbutz.

If that's the case, no thank you aliyah. 

Men in the article seem to complain about the aggressiveness and forwardness of women in Israel. To that I say, HELLO! There are plenty of single, amazing, intelligent Jewish women in the U.S. who won't knock down your door to get your attention but would be more than happy to set up shop with you in Israel (points aggressively at self). 

I'm just sayin'. 

The Singles Ad

Pass it around. You know you want to.

Gluten-free, kosher vegetarian coffee drinker with masters in Judaic studies and penchant for critical Torah study who makes a mean cholent seeks bearded Jewish gentleman with mad guitar skills, serious kavannah, avodat HaShem, and a romantic side. Inquire within. 

Ready, set, GO! Just remember: Helping in the shidduch process gets you major points in shamayim (that's heaven). HaShem is big on Jews helping Jews help Jews.

So go on now. Run along. Find me a husband.

(Frumster is a huge failsauce for me right now, and Saw You at Sinai has produced all of two matches. Let's do this!)