We're Back: Ask Chaviva Anything!

It's been awhile and I honestly don't even know if anyone is interested in this series, but I wanted to bring back the Ask Chaviva Anything series because I'm trying to spend more time here on the blog! Ready? Ask away!

Ask Chaviva Anything: Shabbat Candles, Mitzvah #16, and More

Hey hey, it's time for another installment of Ask Chaviva Anything! Let's dig in.

Q: How do Jews participate in lighting candles on Friday evening when they have a son who plays high school football on Fridays?

If someone has a son playing football on Friday evenings, after sundown, on Shabbat, there is a pretty good chance they're not Torah observant (Orthodox if you want to go that route), so their observance of candle lighting will be in accordance to however they understand the law. Many families across the spectrum will light Shabbat candles, have some challah and wine and a nice dinner, and then go to the movies or sit down to binge on Netflix on Shabbat. 

Is this how I believe and feel that it should be done? Nope! Would I chastise someone who is going to take the step to light candles and then go to a football game? Nope! Is this how I want my children to observe Shabbat when they're older? Nope! But Jewish observance is fluid and people are on the ladder moving up and down and up and down. The ladder leads us all to HaShem, so as long as Jews are on the ladder, I think that's a darn good thing. 

Q: I am studying the 613 Mitzvot. #16 - what is the scroll of Torah that is to be written?

Good question here! So according to the Rambam's list of mitzvot, #16 is actually a mitzvah about character: "You shall not hate your brother in your heart; you shall surely rebuke your neighbor, and not bear sin because of him" (Leviticus 19:17). The #16 you're citing comes from a different list, probably those listed out by the Chofetz Chaim.

In most lists, the writing of the Torah mitzvah is #82 I believe.

Either way, the scroll of Torah is exactly what it sounds like! It's the five books of Moses, the written Torah. 

Q: Do Jews light a 7 branch menorah in their homes and is there a special way to light it?

Nope, and nope. Now, if you're thinking about the chanukiyah that we light every Chanukah, then yes, we light an eight-branched chanukiyah, and there is a special way to light it. Read more here. 

Ask Chaviva Anything: Of Chanukah, Immigration, and Genetics

I realized I have a TON of "Ask Chaviva Anything" questions that went unanswered over the past few years, so I thought, now is a great time to hit some of them. Hopefully the people who asked are still reading. If not? My apologies!

Do u & ur family ever go totally crazy for Chanukah and put up lots of blue and white lites and inflatable lighted decorations and stuff like that? Holiday lites in winter time remind me of a magical winter wonder land!

Nope! We do the basics: A few Chanukiyot and maybe a little sign. In fact, this year, while we were at Target, Asher picked up a little Chanukah sign so I bought it. I'll probably hang it on the front door. But beyond that? No decorations. Most Jews don't actually go nuts for the decorations. I do, however, Love holiday lights. 

When I was a kid, our one Christmas tradition was driving around and looking at all the holiday lights. I think it's still relevant, and okay, to do this now with my kids. We call them "thank you" lights (Thanks Daniel Tiger!) and teach the kids that it's how our neighbors show their thankfulness and friendliness. So, this year, for the first time, my plan is to go out one night with Asher to a neighbored where there are lots of lights, and give him a piece of my childhood as I never have before. 

Do you ever find yourself upset still at how hard it was for your husband to immigrate to the USA?

Yes, 100 percent yes. I think about it a lot. When we have little argument for I'm stressed or I'm wondering what I'm doing here in this part of my life, I think about it. It still makes me cry, actually. We have very different memories about how everything happened, which is also hard. But I became a much stronger person as a result of it, and it definitely has helped inform how I vote based on immigration issues, too. 

Is there a DNA test for Jewish ancestry? If so which is best? I am a carrier of Tay-Sachs and have a sister who died from the disease. I have been asked by doctors if I am Ashkenazi Jewish, but I don't know for sure. (There is an abnormally high rate of Tay-Sachs among the Cajuns in south-central Louisiana.)

We did 23andMe.com and were very happy with the results. In fact, Mr. T found out that he's 99.9 percent Ashkenazi Jew (we knew this, but having the proof is pretty epic) and I discovered what I already knew: I'm French, German, English, and Scottish with zero Ashkenazi Jewry in my DNA. If you click this link and buy, you'll get 10% off your purchase of a kit, too!

Want to ask me something? Click here: Ask away!

Ask Chaviva Anything: LuLaRoe and Being a Busy Mom

I was super shocked, but awesomely excited to see so many questions asked so quickly when I posted the Ask Chaviva Anything revival! Here are some quick fun ones y'all asked.

If you could do any job in the world, what would it be?

With everything going on lately with work, I've been thinking about this a lot. For the longest time, I thought being a copy desk chief at The New York Times would have been the most epic job. Then, when I was super happy in my digital marketing role, I wanted to be the social media go-to in the Jewish nonprofit world. I quickly learned that could happen, but not with the financial outcome I'd hoped for. So, now, most recently, my dream job has been writing and consulting on digital marketing and PR. Someday, I'll be able to commit myself to writing again and to consulting (and actually getting paid for it ... because I give out way too much free advice these days and always) and having a schedule that makes sense for me. Someday, yes someday, I'll write my book. That would be the most epic job in the world for me. (Also, stressful as it is, being a mommy is pretty amazing, too.)

How are you enjoying being a LuLaRoe Consultant?

In a word: YES! I absolutely love it. I get all warm and fuzzy when I put an outfit together or talk to other women about clothing or how to style something to feel confident. Honestly, I wish I had more time for it, because I think I could really fly with it. It's really helped me cope with my social anxiety and introversion, which, honestly, are getting more intense as I get older. I'm so great online, in text-based communications, and even Facebook Live feeds because it's just me and the vast universe out there. No social pressure, no expectations. (Find my group on Facebook here!)

Do you have a family mission statement? (We did this exercise as a family and it was a lot of fun.)

This is ... wow. This is great. We must do this. Thank you for the great question and idea!

Some more involved questions and answers forthcoming (including several on Israel, unsurprisingly)! Have a question? Click here to ask me quite literally anything.

Ask Chaviva Anything: The Revival

Is anyone still out there? Is anyone reading? I know some people still get my feed, but sometimes it feels like things go out into the ether and disappear. I remember when I used to blog multiple times a day, when there were gobs of comments, when the blogging community was full of people writing stories and talking about life rather than only hosting superficial giveaways. Ah, those were the days.

Anyhow, I'm reviving that much-beloved series that often resulted in some rude questions: Ask Chaviva Anything!

Click here to ask me quite literally anything.

It doesn't mean I'll answer, but I'll do my best.

Ask Chaviva Anything: Parenting, Jewish Books, and Jewish Conversion!

It's been a while since I got my Ask Chaviva Anything on, so it's about time. I can't seem to find an easy theme with the questions I have remaining, so we'll call this a grab bag edition. Ready? Let's do this. 

My husband and I are also thinking of having a baby number two. With the first one I stayed at home for almost three years, now we are thinking that I'd stay home for the first year and my husband for the second. You mentioned that daycare is very expensive in USA, but that you make quite good money while your husband makes less. I'm just curious, would it be possible for your hubby to stay home with the kids and you bring in the dough?

Although it's a great idea, we tried this when we first moved to the U.S. because Mr. T couldn't legally work until he received his work permit/green card. The truth is, neither Mr. T nor I are cut out to be full-time stay-at-home parents. Also, we need to be a two-income family (whether here or in Israel) to make things work, and Asher is ultimately a much happier kid the days that he's at daycare. He sleeps better, he's happier, and he's growing into an immensely empathetic and social little kid. In the end, everyone benefits in their own way from our situation. As for No. 2, we'll see how it impacts the current situation and go from there. Stay tuned!

Can you recommend a nonfiction book or two with Orthodox characters? And I miss Ask Chaviva Anything, please write soon!

Aww, thanks for the kind words! As for a book, you want nonfiction with Orthodox characters? Or fiction with Orthodox characters? I'm a bit confused. There are a ton of nonfiction books about Orthodox topics (a lot of biographies and things like Crossing the Borders of Time), but if you're looking for fiction books with Orthodox characters, anything by Tova Mirvis or Cynthia Ozick, honestly. I've been reading The Boston Girl, but the main character and her family wouldn't really qualify as Orthodox by today's standards, necessarily (some go out for lobster on Shabbat). Have you read The Nightingale? It's also a really great read, based during WWII. Also, check out this list over here that walks through fiction throughout the years. If I missed the mark on your question, just let me know! Also, take a look at the archives for "Book Review" here. 

Did you grow up religious and if not what brought you to your path?

Not only would I say I didn't grow up religious, I didn't grow up Jewish. In a nutshell: My parents raised me smartly on the Golden Rule, despite the fact that the first half of my life we were in the Bible Belt of Southern Missouri and the second half in Nebraska. All of my friends were immensely religious (in both locations), so I attended Vacation Bible School, church on occasion (especially in high school), and so on, but we were never a religious family. Easter and Christmas weren't about Jesus, they were about the common, American secular traditions. From there ... check out my posts and essays I wrote about how I got to Judaism and ended up Orthodox. 

Have a question? You, too, can Ask Chaviva Anything! Just fill out this form. 

 

Ask Chaviva Anything: Parenting and Jewish Divorce

Some great questions rolling in, and I'm so glad I get to answer them. Let's start with what might seem like a tough question, but one that actually has a pretty simple answer.

Hi Chaviva! My question is how would you handle a situation where Ash decides to be less religious or non-religious? I wonder because you fought so hard to become Jewish, so I can imagine that it would be a really sensitive situation for you. Would you accept him if he was not religious? Or mourn him? How would you try to bring him back to Judaism?

Once upon a time, after a very difficult marriage and divorce, I was left spinning, unsure who I was or what life was meant to look like. During that time, I made some questionable choices and ended up dating someone who was not Jewish (this was a few years after my Orthodox conversion, so I was, for all intents and purposes, a Jew). When it was revealed that I was dating a non-Jew (while still keeping kosher and Shabbat), I received hate mail, calls for my conversion to be revoked, comments on blog posts saying that I was the "worst thing to happen to Judaism," and harassment from people who had once been friends (mostly other converts, too). I was being pushed and shoved away from the Judaism that had so nurtured my soul and given me a home. I was being told I was not a Jew, I was being distanced from my family. 

But there were, during this time, a few (religious) friends who pulled me close. They sent me notes, they checked in on me, they reminded me that I had a home, that I was loved and that Judaism was not rejecting me. They gave me the nurturing and love that I needed to make the right decisions at the right time, and they allowed me to return. I really learned who my real friends and family were in Judaism, and I learned who was toxic and insincere. 

What this taught me, this entire experience that still hurts and stings to this day, is that Judaism teaches us that when someone strays or makes choices that don't necessarily jibe with Torah Judaism, we pull them close, we give them a space. If you push them away, they'll just move farther and farther away until they're lost in the crowd. The often-quoted adage is "hate the sin, not the sinner," and those who truly understand Judaism and HaShem hold tightly to that dictum. 

So, long story short ... I grew up not Jewish and found my way here. Mr. T grew up fairly Jewish, attending a Jewish day school and then a boys school and then had some wild and crazy teen years before returning in his early 20s. We've both lived our lives and experienced things that those who are FFB (frum from birth) perhaps not, and that gives us a unique perspective. Sure, I'd love for all of my kids to be as religious as us, but there's always the possibility that they'll be more or less observant than us, and I'm okay with that. Judaism is a journey, and as long as I do my job and give my kids a healthy view of Judaism and the outside world, they'll choose what is right for them and I'll respect that. I'll hold them close, give them a nurturing environment where they know that they are loved for who they are, no matter the choices they make. They will always have a home. 

Next question!

Thank you for admitting that you seeked marriage counseling! Did you and your ex-husband ever go through counseling? How was that experience different? I've been reading for years but I guess I still don't understand why you got divorced. It worked out for the best obviously but I can't help but be curious since it seems rarely discussed in the Orthodox world.

I've actually written about it before, I'm pretty sure. I was much less open during my last marriage. All of our struggles and trials were kept quiet and out of the public eye, contrary to how I live much of my life. My in-laws were shocked, absolutely no one knew it was coming because darn if we weren't good at putting up appearances. I was depressed, anxious, and embarrassed that it wasn't working, but I managed a smile when I needed to. Of the 16 months we were married, we spent a year of that in couples counseling, with me in additional counseling on the side. Despite that, it just wasn't meant to be. It took a meeting with a rabbi, who posed an ultimatum to my ex. When he responded with "I'd like to think I'd choose my marriage," I knew it was done. I had to make the decision, and I did. 

Believe it or not, divorce is actively encouraged in the Jewish community (in the Orthodox world anyway), because if things aren't working out (for any number of reasons), both individuals have the right to move on and give it another go. There are even discussions about how one merits a series of partners (read about it: A Zivug or Bashert?). 

Hope this provides some semblance of clarity!

Have a question? Just ask: http://bit.ly/AskChavivaAnything

Ask Chaviva Anything: That Question I Hate

Probably the most common question I got asked by guys on Frumster just came in to Ask Chaviva (Almost) Anything.

"Did you ever go to seminary?"

Short answer: no. 

Long answer: No, because I went through the conversion process, spent seven weeks at a Hebrew-only ulpan at Middleburg College, and received a master's in Judaic studies (focus on midrashic literature) resulting in a depth of information greater than many likely obtain in seminary. 

That leaves me with a question, however, which is: Aside from the social experiment of seminary, what else did I miss out on?

Ask Chaviva Anything: What's Your Skin Regimen?

This question is very flattering, which makes me feel a bit awkward, but ...

Whenever you post a picture or a video of yourself, I'm always in awe of your skin. You don't seem to wear a lot of makeup, so I assume it's just really beautiful. Therefore - and I know it's completely OOT - would you mind sharing how you keep it that pretty?

The funny thing is, the past few weeks I've had terrible woes with my skin. My whole life, I've had pretty clear skin. When I was in high school I had one friend who struggled with acne who used to comment to how much she hated how clear and pimple-free my skin was. Luckily, I managed puberty without any acne problems. 

That being said, I struggle greatly with skin woes when I'm stressed, and the past few weeks I've been particularly stressed. I'll get two to three terribly obnoxious and irritating skin woes that last for weeks because I suck at handling acne since I never had to deal with it before. I also have a few spots on my face where I have "pock marks" leftover from painful chicken pox when I was a child. You probably don't see them in my pictures, and I think I probably notice them more than anyone does.

So how do I keep my skin clear? I really ... honestly I don't do anything. I drink a lot of water, eat a largely plant-based and gluten-free diet with very little dairy intake. I don't have any creams or moisturizers I use, mostly because I'm lazy. I buy them and then never use them. I don't spend a ton of time in the sun, either.

I feel like that makes me sound like a jerk. Ooo look at me and my mostly clear skin and I don't do anything for it! But I really do believe that diet has a lot to do with skin health. So take it as you will! 

Ask Chaviva Anything: That's a Lot of Ice Cream, Isn't It?

I'm going nuts with the blogging this week. I've always been a big believer in the idea that if you have something to say, say it, but if you don't, then don't. This blog is a testament to that.

Anyway, another video here, this time in response to a submission to the long-forgotten Ask Chaviva (Almost) Anything feature!


Ask your own: bit.ly/AskChaviva

The Tzniut Project Redux?

While struggling with hair covering these days (hold on, I'm covering my hair, I just struggle with scarf versus wig), I started wondering whether it might be worth reviving The Tzniut Project. It was immensely successful when I originally ran the project, and I'd love to hear more from my readers and see if anything has changed over the past few years when it comes to modesty and how people are using and understanding the concept. 

What was The Tzniut Project? Basically people would email me and I'd send them a list of about 10 questions to answer at their leisure and I'd post their comments anonymously. The demographics were broad, and I even had a few men participate, which was fascinating. Ultimately I was surprised at how much our conceptions of modesty really scratch the surface and how "shallow" we approach the practice.

Interested? Let me know if you think I should bring it back and whether you'd be interested in participating by clicking here.

Also, I'd love to hop back into a fun and exciting feature that once ran the airwaves on this blog (and got kind of ugly): 

Also: Stay tuned here to the blog for THREE exciting reviews and giveaways in preparation of Purim and Passover (everyone needs new, pretty things, right?). 

Ask Chaviva Anything: Advice Before Making Aliyah

Here's a doozy, but one that's shockingly simple for me to answer at this point in my life. I know my answers probably sound grumpy and jaded, but less than two years in Israel made me more of a realist than I was before.

What are your top 5 pieces of advice for someone considering making aliyah?

1. Save money. Save lots of money. Make sure you have enough money on hand to live for at least a year (that means rent, childcare expenses, grocery expenses, healthcare incidentals, buying a car, insurance, you name it). My biggest mistake in going to Israel as a single woman in her late 20s was that I didn't have a dime saved. I went with a nice income, but that income disappeared almost instantly. Not having anything saved put me into a nice amount of debt, which is no fun. 

2. Buy lots of clothes in the U.S. before you move. Why? Because if there's one thing Israel doesn't have, it's any kind of clothing that will withstand more than a few washes in Israel's harsh water. Also? It's crazy expensive to buy something that will last. I know it seems superficial, but it's a good idea. I don't know many people in Israel that buy their shoes, electronics, or clothing in Israel. 

3. Make sure you understand the impact of your U.S. bank accounts, especially if you're going to be transferring money back and forth. It can cost quite a bit of money to make transfers (e.g. Chase charges $40 for international transfers), and it adds up. If you have a U.S.-based income, have a plan in place for regular transfers. 

4. Decide whether you really want to pay all that money for a lift. Moving stuff to Israel can be crazy expensive, especially when there's a readily available market for used furniture and appliances in Israel with all of the olim (immigrants) moving back to the U.S. and selling their entire property. If you can't live without it, take it with you, but make sure you really can't live without it. 

5. Believe in the mission. If you make aliyah based on a dream or with expectations that life will not change much except that you'll be living in Eretz Yisrael, then you're going to be sorely disappointed and experience a huge shock. Make aliyah because you believe Israel is going to be the best home for you and your family, make aliyah because you believe in the nation and its principles and the understanding that Israel is home for the Jewish people. Don't make aliyah because it's going to solve all of your problems or provide you with a "better" life or fix things. Be realistic, but be passionate. 

Will I be financially prepared when we return to Israel? Probably not. But it's not the reason we're back in the U.S. I'm not here to make my fortune so I can return to Israel sitting pretty by any means. It would be nice, but, like I said, I'm a realist. 

Ready to ask a question? Be nice and ask away!

Ask Chaviva (Almost) Anything!

For better or worse, I'm reopening the Q&A portion of the blogging experience. I'm sure there are a lot of questions out there, and I'm prepared to answer most of those questions.

Play Nice and Ask Me Something

Have something to ask? Head on over to the form and get your anonymity on!

It's a Modest, Modest World

For this installment, we have two great questions about issues that fall under modesty or tzniut in Judaism. (Note: tzanua or anav is the adjective form, meaning modest.) We'll start out at the head and end up at the toe!

Hair covering - do you cover all the time? At home alone? What about at home with just the family? What if you were hanging out with just a bunch of women, with no chance of a man interrupting you?

I can count on one hand the number of times I've gone around my house alone without my head covered, and there are zero times countable that I've been at home with the family or in a group of women and not covered my hair. A good example of this is earlier this week at the Pre-Shavuot Sushi Night here in Neve Daniel -- not a dude in sight, and plenty of women were taking off their tichels to try on new scarves to buy, but not me. I'm the kind of gal who will try a tichel on on top of other scarves. It's just my way.

This is the tichel I purchased at sushi night!

Consistency allows me to feel completely comfortable when I am covering all the time, and the truth is I really do love covering. For me, the sentiment from Micah 6:8 to walk humbly with HaShem is something that I try to enact at all times, and it shows that it really isn't about the involvement of a man in my hair-covering experience.

Hi Chaviva. (Great blog btw.) I live in a charedi community in Eretz Yisrael where the custom is for us to wear stockings outside (in the 36 degree Celsius heat) all year round, and most of us also in the house also. I have seen that some communities do differ in this opinion - what is the stance of your community?  How do you find tznius and Eretz Yisrael in your time here so far?

This writer (thanks!) also included a link to an interesting piece from the Rav Kook perspective on stockings, which says the following,

... in regards to the part of the leg below the knee, the halacha depends on the custom of the place: if it is the custom to cover it, it must be covered. If not, it need not be covered. In practice, since the majority of ‘poskim’ are stringent, it is preferable to act in this way. A woman who chooses to be lenient is permitted, for she has reputable sources to rely on.

To be completely honest, the entire concept of stockings isn't something I've thought much on in the past, mostly because where I grew up (non-Jewishly), stockings were meant for two things: winter and dressy occasions. For some reason, my mental place for stockings and tights is still in that place. Where I lived in Teaneck, Denver, and now in Neve Daniel, the standard of the community seems to be stocking-less in the summer and various observances in the winter. Some people wear leggings and others wear tights. Until very recently, I couldn't find a comfortable pair of tights so would often wear leggings under a long skirt or leggings with heavy socks over it.

So far, there is definitely a much more clear community dividing line than places I've lived in the U.S. as far as what people wear. Looking around the room at the Sushi Night earlier this week, I realized how very similar everyone in Neve Daniel dresses. It's very flowy, simple casual but put together, and the hair-covering style is up my alley (tichels, tichels, tichels). Although there is a certain set of women who wear pants and short sleeve shirts, it doesn't seem to be the norm here.

What do you think about stockings in the dead of summer and covering all the time? Have a related question or something off the wall? Just ask!

Ask Chaviva Anything: The Grab-Bag Edition

As I prepare for yet another bowl of Gluten-Free Fruity Pebbles ...

This is going to be quite the grab bag, because there hasn't been a theme as of late. Question Number One asks,

How does hair care when you cover your hair work? Do you get your hair trimmed or cut, or do you just let it do whatever? And if you do get it cut, how does that work?

Since moving to Israel, I've had my hair cut twice -- once up in Ra'anana (near Tel Aviv) in December and one by a local friend before the wedding. Since getting married, I've been sort of letting my hair do whatever it wants, occasionally trimming my own bangs (or, if you're from the U.K., "fringe") against my own intuition. It's long enough now that I can put it in two little pigtails in the lower back, or one sort of loose small ponytail in the back with pins. The interesting thing that I've experienced is that my hair is reacting a lot better to being covered this time around than last. When I was married the first time, my hair started thinning out and became really frail, but this time around it's getting thicker and longer much faster. It can be hard to maintain hair while covering, but it just takes some attention to shampooing and conditioning to really make it work.

How long did your Orthodox conversion process take? 

I started attending an Orthodox synagogue before Pesach in 2008, moved to Connecticut in August 2008 and started attending an Orthodox synagogue in West Hartford around November 2008. My official "training" began in January 2009, I applied with the RCA to officially convert in October 2009, and had my conversion dip on January 1, 2010. So it was roughly, officially, a year.

I'm turning green with envy at your head covers you're posting on Instagram. I live in the U.S. Do you know where I can find some like that?

I wish I knew where you could find some of these coverings. The thing that I've noticed about head coverings here in Israel is that the fabric is more breathable, flexible, and forgiving than those I've seen in the U.S. Here, the designs are functional and easy to wear, and in the U.S. they're just ... fabric. Maybe I should start an import-export business? If you can, find a way to get someone to bring you the scarves they sell at Hoodies -- they are a lightweight stretchy cotton that is so comfortable and flexible and gives an amazing body. Also, look out for the "fake poof" -- yes, I use a fake poof to give my scarves body. Until my hair is long enough to build it up, I'm faking it. (Fake it 'til you make it!)

Hi Chaviva, I'm learning hebrew and I'm interested in knowing about you experience with this language? it's hard? what books do you use (or did you use)?

I wish I had an answer to this question. The truth is that my best and most valuable Hebrew learning experiences were by sitting in a classroom or at an ulpan desk. When you're immersed, things stick. When you're learning in a book and then going back to the "real world" where English is the norm, it's hard to really feel entrenched in the language. That being said, there are all sorts of learners out there, and some really do benefit from Rosetta Stone or similar programs. I, unfortunately, did not. The best textbook out there is the one put out by the Brandeis University Modern Hebrew program, but I'm not sure if you can find the answer book.

Does anyone have tips on hair care while covering, Hebrew language learning, or any other topics discussed here? Please share!

Have a question? Just ask at Ask Chaviva Anything!

Ask Chaviva Anything: The Hater Edition

We all have them. We all try to ignore them. But sometimes, I like to drag the haters out into the public eye and maybe let them see how ridiculous their questions and proddings are. Why? Because what we see and detest in others is that which we see and detest in ourselves. It's about coping with those things, not deflecting them onto others.

Question Number One:

I'm rather confused by the contradictory nature of your adherence to tznius. You dress very modestly and yet you talk quite freely about matters which are rather intimate and inappropriate for the public sphere. Just today you posted about vibrators on your facebook page - isn't it a bit contradictory to be modest in dress and yet not in behavior?

Okay, what you're confused about is what tzanua is. Above all, I frequently remind people about the many layers of tzanua, because as I discovered when I did The Tzniut Project a few years back, many people see tzanua as a very shallow thing -- cover the elbows, cover the knees -- when it's about so much more. It's speech, actions, how you carry yourself, the company you keep, the way you eat, the way you sit, everything.

So I'd like to know what -- other than my Facebook post at my utter shock at the ease in which people can purchase vibrators in the UK and why they're located in something as benign as the Bandaid asile -- is "intimate and inappropriate" that I post about here on my blog or even on Facebook. I'd really love to know. Give me some examples. Oh pretty please!

For those of you curious about the utter scandal to which this questioner refers, this was the Facebook post:

 Now for Question Number Two, which is actually more of a statement.

"I feel so antisocial. On my computer. While the family observes #chag. D'oh." Are you FOR REAL??? I give your marriage about six months ... 

Oh haters. Oh haters! The quote the person refers to is from Twitter. You see, this year, because we were in the UK for Pesach, things were kind of messy. Me, a new olah to Israel, and Mr. T, holding to the traditions and rulings of the Chacham Tzvi (when in Rome, do as the Romans do), had to figure out our situation delicately. Traditionally, those who do not live in Israel celebrate two holiday days at the beginning and end of Passover -- those are days that are very Shabbat-like in restrictions, but you can cook and there are other leniencies. Those inside Israel only have one day at either end of Passover.

After speaking with a rabbi, it was decided that I only had to hold to one day, while Mr. T had to hold to two days. The result was that I was sitting in the bedroom doing work (because, well, work called, and I was observing one day) while the family was sitting in the living room reading or conversing about odds and ends. I felt bad about it, and Mr. T and I discussed how strange it was to be on two different time tables. Hopefully, next year, we'll be on the same schedule and all will be right in the world.

As for your bets on my marriage, I hope someone actually took that bet. And bet you a lot of money, because this marriage is pretty amazing. But I have nothing to prove to you. We'll talk again in six months, mmk?

Peace to the haters!

Ask Chaviva Anything: Of Postal Boxes and Addresses

A few questions popped up on Ask Chaviva Anything, and I wanted to answer them quickly (because they have quick answers, believe it or not). There are lots sitting in the queue that I promise to get to over Chol ha'Moed (those are the intermediate days of the holiday Passover, which starts Monday night).

Question Numero Uno:

I saw you have a proper mail box now. Would you like to receive mail? (Feel free to say no ... You've got other priorities and are always busy, but I know that a card in the post now and then can be cheering, so I wanted to make the offer.)

Great question, and I'm happy to oblige because for the first time in my life I have a box number! So I'm happy to dish out my address on the interwebs without worry of someone hunting me down and destroying me. After all, y'all already know I live in Neve Daniel. You just don't know where! Bwahaha. Anyway, here's the address:

Chaviva Gordon-Bennett
Box 323
Neve Daniel 90909
ISRAEL

Or, if you prefer Hebrew:

חביבה גורדון-בניט
Box 323
נווה דניאל 90909
ישראל

And on to Question Numero Dos:

Your decision to live in a settlement could be interpreted by some as being quite a controversial move and indicating a clear political statement in regards to the West Bank / Yehuda VeShomron region. Has your decision to move to Neve Daniel, particularly as a convert who seems to have enjoyed a very good quality of life when living in the United States, drawn criticism from others? I would imagine that your family and friends back home would have worried for your safety, given such incidents of violence against Jews as the Fogel massacre. However, I would be interested to know if you have ever felt the need to justify your decision to those who disagreed with settlements?
Perhaps as a European I'm coming at this from a different angle, as I've seen firsthand how contentious the whole issue can be. Americans, from my own experiences, seem much more likely to see the settlements in a positive light. I hope my tone isn't accusatory and haven't included my own view on settlements because I don't feel that they're relevant to the question. As a fellow convert I've really enjoyed your blogs and insights into Judaism and while our views differ on some issues, I really admire your courage in documenting your life in such a public and honest way.

I'd like to say this is an original question, but I've been asked it before and I wrote about it fairly recently. I hope it's not dismissive, and if there's anything I don't address in the blog post or comments, feel free to shoot me an email or comment on the blog post. But you can find my response to these kinds of queries in A Life Illegal. 

I like Question Numero ... um ... Three (wait, is it Tres). Bravo for inquiring.

So now that you're a stepmom, are you now going to start writing for Kveller?

This is a great question. I honestly hadn't even thought of it, but I suppose I should look into it, eh? Any one have any experience with Kveller or the process? Any bits of advice? 

Okay, that's all for now. There is packing in my future ... packing for England, where it's in the 30s and 40s (that's Fahrenheit, because -- let's be honest -- I'm never going to get on the Celsius bandwagon). I'm stoked to get back a little bit of the winter that I missed. 

Stay tuned for UK adventures!

Ask Chaviva Anything: What's the Deal with Minyans?

This question on Ask Chaviva Anything! made my heart sing. Why? I love getting questions that are genuine, and this is one of those that is seriously trying to understand a concept in Judaism. So here we go!

I saw your tweet about Mr. T helping making minyan at Ikea, and it made me curious. I'm not Jewish myself, and while I'm familiar with the concept of making minyan, it's not something I would have expected at Ikea. Can you tell me a bit more about making minyan and the contexts in which it occurs?

Before I answer the question, I have to express to you how amazing Ikea in Israel is. Yes, everyone complains that it's more expensive than in the U.S., and although that is true, it's completely written over by the fact that they have kosher food at Israeli Ikeas! Yes, you can go and get breakfast or lunch or dinner and a coffee and a 2 shekel ice cream cone (alas, they only put it in cones because it comes out of a machine, so no ice cream for this gluten-free foodie), and not worry about anything. It's like ... heaven. Especially as someone who used to go to Ikea and relish in the cheap food there. Being able to get a filet of salmon with two sides and a beverage for 35 shekel is a major shocker, especially because at just about any restaurant in Israel you can't get a salmon dish for even double that amount.

Sorry for the tangent, I couldn't help myself.

Now, minyan refers to the amount of men over bar mitzvah age required for public prayer in Judaism for the typical morning, afternoon, and evening prayers and a bounty of other public prayers. Although it's permissible to pray alone, there are some medieval commentators (Rashi) who suggest that one is obliged to pray in a minyan of at least 10 men and should travel near and far to seek out a minyan, while others rule that it's okay to pray on your own and not seek out a minyan (Ramban/Nachmanides). The downfall is that we understand that HaShem's presence rests with a group of at least 10 men praying together in a way that it doesn't with the individual who prays alone. But either way, Judaism praises any individual who manages to pray three times daily.

The term minyan comes from the Talmud and its origins are in the Hebrew root mem-nun-hey (מנה) meaning to count or number. It's also related to the Aramaic word mene, meaning numbered, which appears in Daniel 5:25. The way that the Talmud (the Oral Torah) -- both the Babylonian (Bavli) and Jerusalem (Yerushalmi)  -- arrive here in basically the same way based on a concept called gezarah shavah, meaning that if it's said here, then it's also said the same over there.

We start with Leviticus 22:32, which uses the word "midst" in the following way: "And I shall be sanctified in the midst of the children of Israel." Then comes the word midst in Numbers 16:21: "Separate yourselves from the midst of the congregation." Lastly, the term "congregation" appears in a verse about the 10 spies that returned to give a negative report of Israel in Numbers 14:27:  "How long shall I bear with this evil congregation which murmur against me?"

Bam! The conclusion here is that a congregation of HaShem comprises 10 men. The Yerushalmi arrives there in a similar way, but with a bit more of a connection to Jacob's ten sons.

When do you need a minyan? Basically any time that the Torah is being read publicly, any time you need to say Kaddish (the prayer for the deceased), at a wedding, and any time that you are going through the morning, afternoon, and evening prayers (among a slew of other times, really). In Judaism, when in doubt, you need a minyan to say anything that puts you publicly with the congregation of HaShem.

There are loads of "cheats" involved in the minyan, like if you live in a secluded area and only have nine men plus a boy under bar mitzvah age, but an entire book could be written about the history of when 10 wasn't doable and what we used to do in times of crisis when finding 10 men required loss of life and limb.

Does this help answer the question?

Ask Chaviva Anything!: Packing a Kosher Lunch

There are dozens of amazing questions sitting in the Ask Chaviva Anything! queue, and I'm chomping at the bit to answer them all -- including some of the nastier ones! Oh wait, no I'm not. Listen, to whoever keeps posting questions about how miserable I must be making Mr. T's life, you're living in a dream world. We're genuinely happy, and if my word isn't good enough, then I don't know what to tell you.

Now, this is a question I received that I wanted to address because it's actually pretty timely with Passover coming up.

Any advice for a non-Jewish mom sending her kiddo to a Jewish preschool? I will be sending him with a packed lunch every day. I don't want to offend or break rules; I do want him to feel happy about his lunch.  (The school statement is that they are not strict, but ask that we send a kosher lunch and non-leavened bread at certain times.) On the tour lunch was a big point, and the word "compliance" was used.  Yikes! I don't know what I am doing.

How utterly exciting that you've got a little one heading off to preschool! When I was living in Colorado, the Jewish preschools there are some of the most highly rated and populated in the state because of the quality of education, and most of the student population believe it or not was not Jewish. The schools run on Jewish values and promote an understanding of the Jewish holidays and customs, but with a diverse population base, the goal is creating well-rounded participants of society. So to you I say kol hakavod! Way to be.

Now, as long as you follow the guidelines dished out by the school, you'll be fine. My advice is to find another parent at the school who you click with and bounce any questions or concerns you have off of them if you're not comfortable going to the school's administration.

Chances are, as long as you stay in the realm of "kosher style" -- that is, no pork or shellfish (how often are you sending shrimp cocktail with a preschooler anyway, right?) and no sandwiches that mix meat and milk -- then you should be fine. I'd suggest sticking to classic cheese sandwiches, yogurt, PB&J, doing vegetable sticks with hummus or peanut butter, chips, crackers, fruit, granola bars, and so on, avoiding meat all together in the lunchbox. It'll make your life a lot easier.

As for the non-leavened bread, that means that in a few weeks when Passover starts, do your best to send anything and everything but sandwiches. Consider rice or quinoa salad, lots of vegetables and fruits and nuts, take it as a chance to give the gluten-free or paleo diet a try for a week with your child, to branch out with the lunchbox experience (hey, maybe a great blog idea!). Send them to school with buckwheat pancakes and yogurt, some flavorful and yummy waffles, or Nut Crisp crackers and a bounty of veggie sticks with tuna or PB or hummus.

I hope this helps! I get to experience the lunch-packing thing now with iBoy, which has been a fun challenge because of what he will and won't eat and making sure he has shelf-stable food that will get him through lunch time and beyond.

Have questions? Just ask!

Ask Chaviva Anything: Of Mr. T and Snark

Ah, another fun installment of Ask Chaviva Anything, chock full of questions that some people would consider pretty darn invasive. I'll admit, some people have been complete jerks -- giving people the power to anonymously ask things is just ripe for this, and I accept that. But seriously, come on folks. Grow up! And now, on to the questions.

Have you found a Rav in Israel? If so, how did you find a Rav in a place with so many people who are Rabbis? In general--as a woman and a ger--have you found it easy to find Rebbeim and to be open with them? (I ask, because I find that discussing personal things with men who aren't relatives or friends to be difficult).

Great, amazing question. The reality is that I still consult my rav back in the U.S., and Mr. T has a rabbi here and a rabbi back in England that he consults (in addition to him being crazy knowledgable on things from his studies). That being said, if and when I decided to seek out a new rav, I think that Jerusalem is one of the best places for it because there is every flavor and shade of observance and halachic understanding here. The easiest way to find someone is to run around in circles with like-minded people, live in a community with like-minded people, and seek out a rav there.

What do your parents think of your second marriage?

If I could share with you how amazing my family has been about my marrying Mr. T, your minds would be blown. Mr. T and I Skyped with my family right after we got engaged, and it was an utter blast (my little brother and Mr. T were hilarious). A few days before the wedding, my father sent me the sweetest email about his take on Mr. T and me and how happy we seem. My father always worried about me in the past, and he always expressed his concerns for my happiness. The great thing? He sees my joy and loves Mr. T and gave us his blessing! 

How old is Mr. T? [and] Is it weird that both of your husbands have the same name?

How old is he? Is it relevant? And as for whether it's weird: Nah. It was kind of like "WHOA" in the beginning, but I just have amazing proof that a name is just a name -- it doesn't make the man, at all. The beautiful thing is, someone suggested that my neshama knew I needed a Tuvia, it just took a while for me to find the right one. 

I know that you resist Orthodox labels.  What about Mr. T?  What "type" of Orthodox is he?  Is this the same or different from how he was raised? [and] When/where was Mr. T ordained?

You know, maybe I should do a Q&A with Mr. T to answer this question. I don't want to put words in his mouth. We're very much on the level with our individual approaches to Judaism. Hold the line!

Drop out of ulpan yet?

What gave you the idea that I would drop out of ulpan? Yes, I was toying with it when I was offered a very well paying job, but I opted to stay in ulpan and hold out for something that was a little further up my alley.  

Stay tuned for future installments of this fun series. I'm toying with doing a LIVE Ustream chat with Q&A. Thoughts?