At Last: Blog Merging

I waited a long time to do it, and it's not perfect, but I merged the old blog (where there's lots of scandalous posts and hateful comments) with the new blog, so you can now find all posts from 2006 to the present in one place.

However! You'll notice that comments are missing from a lot of the earlier posts, and some of you might have even posted comments on recent posts and you're not seeing them. (Blessing in disguise?!)

Let me explain.

I use Disqus commenting on the blog, which unfortunately isn't compatible with mobile, meaning that if you're posting a comment from the mobile site that it doesn't show up except on the back end. So I see them, but the rest of the world doesn't. It's really mind-boggling, honestly, that in 2013 that Disqus hasn't figured out how to make commenting available for mobile.

I installed Disqus a few years back, so you'll see all of those on the blog, but from the early years you won't see any comments unless they're new. You'll probably be a bit confused becuase it will say that there are comments, and when you click, you won't see any. That's because they live in the backend and not in the public world.

For this, I apologize.

As soon as I find a solution, I'll get it fixed up quickly. If you want to comment, please try and wait until you're in front of a computer.

Thanks!

Ask Chaviva Anything: The Hater Edition

We all have them. We all try to ignore them. But sometimes, I like to drag the haters out into the public eye and maybe let them see how ridiculous their questions and proddings are. Why? Because what we see and detest in others is that which we see and detest in ourselves. It's about coping with those things, not deflecting them onto others.

Question Number One:

I'm rather confused by the contradictory nature of your adherence to tznius. You dress very modestly and yet you talk quite freely about matters which are rather intimate and inappropriate for the public sphere. Just today you posted about vibrators on your facebook page - isn't it a bit contradictory to be modest in dress and yet not in behavior?

Okay, what you're confused about is what tzanua is. Above all, I frequently remind people about the many layers of tzanua, because as I discovered when I did The Tzniut Project a few years back, many people see tzanua as a very shallow thing -- cover the elbows, cover the knees -- when it's about so much more. It's speech, actions, how you carry yourself, the company you keep, the way you eat, the way you sit, everything.

So I'd like to know what -- other than my Facebook post at my utter shock at the ease in which people can purchase vibrators in the UK and why they're located in something as benign as the Bandaid asile -- is "intimate and inappropriate" that I post about here on my blog or even on Facebook. I'd really love to know. Give me some examples. Oh pretty please!

For those of you curious about the utter scandal to which this questioner refers, this was the Facebook post:

 Now for Question Number Two, which is actually more of a statement.

"I feel so antisocial. On my computer. While the family observes #chag. D'oh." Are you FOR REAL??? I give your marriage about six months ... 

Oh haters. Oh haters! The quote the person refers to is from Twitter. You see, this year, because we were in the UK for Pesach, things were kind of messy. Me, a new olah to Israel, and Mr. T, holding to the traditions and rulings of the Chacham Tzvi (when in Rome, do as the Romans do), had to figure out our situation delicately. Traditionally, those who do not live in Israel celebrate two holiday days at the beginning and end of Passover -- those are days that are very Shabbat-like in restrictions, but you can cook and there are other leniencies. Those inside Israel only have one day at either end of Passover.

After speaking with a rabbi, it was decided that I only had to hold to one day, while Mr. T had to hold to two days. The result was that I was sitting in the bedroom doing work (because, well, work called, and I was observing one day) while the family was sitting in the living room reading or conversing about odds and ends. I felt bad about it, and Mr. T and I discussed how strange it was to be on two different time tables. Hopefully, next year, we'll be on the same schedule and all will be right in the world.

As for your bets on my marriage, I hope someone actually took that bet. And bet you a lot of money, because this marriage is pretty amazing. But I have nothing to prove to you. We'll talk again in six months, mmk?

Peace to the haters!

Advice: Contacting a Blogger? Read it first!

Here's a huge shocker: When you want to contact a blogger about promotional material, maybe read their blog first. Consider the topic or theme of the blog, the audience, the focus!

Sex products? Come on now folks. This blogger, even for $100, would not even consider posting something like this.

Get wise, folks!

Ask Chaviva Anything: Of Postal Boxes and Addresses

A few questions popped up on Ask Chaviva Anything, and I wanted to answer them quickly (because they have quick answers, believe it or not). There are lots sitting in the queue that I promise to get to over Chol ha'Moed (those are the intermediate days of the holiday Passover, which starts Monday night).

Question Numero Uno:

I saw you have a proper mail box now. Would you like to receive mail? (Feel free to say no ... You've got other priorities and are always busy, but I know that a card in the post now and then can be cheering, so I wanted to make the offer.)

Great question, and I'm happy to oblige because for the first time in my life I have a box number! So I'm happy to dish out my address on the interwebs without worry of someone hunting me down and destroying me. After all, y'all already know I live in Neve Daniel. You just don't know where! Bwahaha. Anyway, here's the address:

Chaviva Gordon-Bennett
Box 323
Neve Daniel 90909
ISRAEL

Or, if you prefer Hebrew:

חביבה גורדון-בניט
Box 323
נווה דניאל 90909
ישראל

And on to Question Numero Dos:

Your decision to live in a settlement could be interpreted by some as being quite a controversial move and indicating a clear political statement in regards to the West Bank / Yehuda VeShomron region. Has your decision to move to Neve Daniel, particularly as a convert who seems to have enjoyed a very good quality of life when living in the United States, drawn criticism from others? I would imagine that your family and friends back home would have worried for your safety, given such incidents of violence against Jews as the Fogel massacre. However, I would be interested to know if you have ever felt the need to justify your decision to those who disagreed with settlements?
Perhaps as a European I'm coming at this from a different angle, as I've seen firsthand how contentious the whole issue can be. Americans, from my own experiences, seem much more likely to see the settlements in a positive light. I hope my tone isn't accusatory and haven't included my own view on settlements because I don't feel that they're relevant to the question. As a fellow convert I've really enjoyed your blogs and insights into Judaism and while our views differ on some issues, I really admire your courage in documenting your life in such a public and honest way.

I'd like to say this is an original question, but I've been asked it before and I wrote about it fairly recently. I hope it's not dismissive, and if there's anything I don't address in the blog post or comments, feel free to shoot me an email or comment on the blog post. But you can find my response to these kinds of queries in A Life Illegal. 

I like Question Numero ... um ... Three (wait, is it Tres). Bravo for inquiring.

So now that you're a stepmom, are you now going to start writing for Kveller?

This is a great question. I honestly hadn't even thought of it, but I suppose I should look into it, eh? Any one have any experience with Kveller or the process? Any bits of advice? 

Okay, that's all for now. There is packing in my future ... packing for England, where it's in the 30s and 40s (that's Fahrenheit, because -- let's be honest -- I'm never going to get on the Celsius bandwagon). I'm stoked to get back a little bit of the winter that I missed. 

Stay tuned for UK adventures!

2002: Let's Do the Time Warp Again

I'm what we in the biz call "an early adopter." When it comes to new technologies, I just adapt to them. I download them, install them, explore them, learn them, become fluent in them, and then prepare as the target moves. That's the nature of the beast that is social media and the digital world.

It began way back when in the late 1990s when my family invested in a computer. I can't remember the exact year but I think it was 1998, because that was the same year that I started my first LiveJournal account. I also can't remember what my first account name was on LiveJournal, but I think it was "shakinbakin02," which still exists on the interwebs as a purged user on LiveJournal.

Yes, when I was in high school I went through many an over-emotional phase where I created and deleted accounts, some locked up tightly to write about someone I was dating or hating, others public. But that account was the big one up until college. I repeated the overly emotional antics in college, but the unique thing here is that there was one LiveJournal account that survived from 2002 up until the present, off and on, sometimes skipping entire chunks of years, but it's still there.

It gives me a sort of time capsule of 10 really strange and completely transformative years of my life.

It also shows me how incredibly ridiculously sentimental and quick to fall in love I've been in my life. I sometimes forget this fact, especially because since the year 2008, this hasn't been such an issue with me. But now that I'm single again, I'm finding myself in that quick-to-jump-in-and-get-hurt kind of headspace. I'm back to wanting romance and fireworks and that connection of what one friend recently called "profound understanding." If I could lead off every encounter with a potential zivug with requesting profound understanding, we might get there. Someday.

So where was my head at 10 years ago today? I posted six posts in one day on November 8, 2002. The benefit of LiveJournal was that you could post that many times a day and it was normative. They were more "this is what I'm doing today" and "this is how emo and cranky I am" than actual substantive and meaningful blog posts -- I transitioned to that arena in 2006.

I went from being unexplainably happy at 12:53 a.m. after a party in my dorm (the Honors Dorm, mind you) called "Bootie Grind," to being really depressed and crying at 1:48 a.m. Up at 7:54 a.m., I was poised to register for Spring 2003 classes, and by nearly 10 a.m. I was back to my happy cheerful self with this little gem.

today is the most beautiful day. more gorgeous than yesterday. the sun is hitting the leaves in all the right ways. the noise is enough, and the wind through the nearly bare trees is comforting. its beautiful, so very very beautiful.

(Note: I cringe at the day when I didn't use proper capitalization.) And then a little after 1 p.m. I was angry and depressed again, and by the end of the night I'd experienced my first visit to Knickerbockers for a show and a viewing of "8 Mile," yes, the classic Eminem film. 

Yes, I'm a personality of extremes. I've always been that way. I suppose I would have done well in the theater. The interesting thing is that LiveJournal was very much for me what Facebook and Twitter are today. I used LiveJournal as a microblogging platform, before "microblogging" was even a thing. I'd argue, as an early adapter, that LiveJournal was the first microblog -- people weren't using it as a means of collecting personal thoughts for private use, it was a sounding board for your friends. It was a broadcast medium. I don't think I know many people who wrote novellas on LiveJournal back in the day. 

So every so often, when I'm feeling curious, I'm going to adventure back to LiveJournal -- sorry folks, it's off limits to everyone and it's unsearchable on the web, so good luck finding it. And even if you did, so many of my posts are clouded in ridiculous mystery. I know -- even today -- what they're about. November 8, 2002, for example? I know exactly what was happening on that day and what was driving the emotional roller coaster. I was attempting to balance a complicated long-distance relationship while dealing with evolving emotions and a space full of new people and friends. When I think back to that period of my life, it was quite messy. One of the messiest. I ended up really hurting and destroying someone that I loved very much. 

I also was only 19 years old at that time. Those were some serious growing pains. Although I'm a person of emotional extremes, I don't think my life will ever compare to the emotional ups and downs I experienced over the past 10 years, especially in those early days. Why? I know myself a lot better these days. I know when I'm falling into an emotional up or down. The difficulty these days is finding the way out that came a lot easier when I was younger. 

Do I love having a 10-year catalog of my life? More than you can imagine. The 10 years before that, of course, are all in paper journals boxed up and packed away. Yes folks, as shocking as it may seem, I've been documenting my every move since at least 1992. 

For this, it seems, I was destined. 

Where Do We Go From Here?

I know you're all waiting, waiting to hear about what happened to six years of blog content that used to be here, waiting to hear whether I'm going to continue blogging about Jewish topics that have made me the blogger and Yid that I am today.

The truth is, I don't know what I plan to do. The content still exists online, but it's all private, so good luck finding it. So far, two people have written very different posts about my situation and what came to pass last week. There's the post on Chicago Carless called "Orthodox Blogger Bullies" and there's another up on Mekubal called "Chaviva/Kvetching editor: My Response."

Now, I want to say up front that I didn't ask or encourage either of these posts to happen, but both of these men had kind, honest, and powerful things to say. If you haven't read them yet, I encourage you to do so. I think Mekubal's insight into who I am and what the Orthodox community did wrong when addressing my current life situation and choices is a lesson from which we all can learn.

I've received more than 100 emails and Facebook messages from people apologizing for what I've been through here on the blog and pleading with me to reconsider hiding and no longer sharing my story with the world. I was even surprised that my older brother -- who, I'll admit, I haven't always gotten along with -- spoke out on my Facebook wall about me giving in to the "haters." Coworkers counseled me, friends on ROI counseled me, and, most importantly, Taylor listened as I explained all that was happening and why exactly I was being treated the way I was.

Should I let a few people dictate my choices in life? Of course not. What if those people have the power to destroy me? Well, that shouldn't matter. The only thing I can control is how I react to a situation and how I allow myself to feel afterward.

There was something different about this particular instance of Chaviva-bashing, however. I can't explain what it was, but there was something that struck me as particularly painful. Even when I received a lot of criticism and painful comments back when unveiling that I was even dating a non-Jew, I handled it like I've handled every situation like this. But this time?

I broke.

Being told that you're everything that's wrong with conversion, that you're the poster child for why people don't want converts, being told you're the worst thing to happen to Judaism ... it's hard. It's beyond hard. Judaism saved me from myself, it saved me from a dark, dark place that I was in. Every time I discovered a new mitzvah or way to express myself Jewishly, it felt like crawling out of darkness.

After everything I went through over the past two years, I have struggled to find a way to express myself Jewishly in the way that I always have, to crawl out of the darkness that nearly drove me to suicide near the end of my marriage, and that process was criticized and shat upon by people I once considered friends.

And in that moment, in reading those words by Erik, Bethany, and Skylar, I felt myself drift back into that darkness. That place of loneliness and sadness that existed before I let my Jewish neshama shine through. I felt myself a stain on existence of Judaism. A harbinger of pain and suffering.

I never gave myself a position of power, and I never asked for it. That others give me that power says more about them, than me, I think. And it's something I've realized over the past few weeks. Yes, I understand that I'm in a position where individuals look up to me and seek me out with questions and curiosities -- I'm not your average convert to Judaism, and that story is what I've always committed to sharing. I make no money off this blog, I have no ads, I am committed to storytelling, largely for my own sake.

Meeting my heroes of the Stuff You Should Know podcast
gave me some peace of mind in Austin. 

In those moments of hateful speech, I wanted to disappear. I figured, if I just "go away" ... I won't have to break up with Taylor, who I adore, and I won't have to continue bringing harm onto the Jewish community. I was ready to let myself go.

Luckily, I left for Austin and re-entrenched myself in the world of technology and innovation. I found myself among people like me, people who see the power of technology and social interaction via the web. Between that, all of the emails, Facebook messages, blog posts, blog comments, texts, Tweets, and everything else, I felt perplexed. Private versus public, Chaviva versus Kvetching Editor, Amanda versus Chaviva ...

Listen: I don't know what I'm going to do with all of those posts. Yes, I could create an archive and turn off all comments, but I don't think there's a way to delete all the existing comments, and I don't necessarily want to delete them all anyway. But do I want those posts out there? Do I want six years of my life to be available for scrutiny or praise? Do I want to continue blogging about my Jewish experiences? I don't know. I almost feel like it's impossible to not blog about my Jewish experiences.

I am, after all, a Jew.

They can't be divided. Jew, Woman, Girlfriend, Blogger, Educator, Social Media Ninja ...

Just stay tuned, if you will, and we'll see where this goes. Won't you?

Quiet to Captivating

The things that I don't write about on this blog could fill the largest spaces of the grandest libraries of the world. When I started blogging, eons ago back in the days of LiveJournal, I managed a very public, honest, and forthcoming image for myself. When I started this specific blog in March 2006, I decided that I would continue my public face in order to build a narrative on my journey to and through Judaism.

Did I anticipate it would garner as much readership as it has now? No. Way. Jose. I'm blown away every day by the hits, the emails, the comments: You guys have made it all worthwhile. But the things I really want or even need to write about -- this blog is my therapy, a voice for the voiceless neshama -- I can't. Why? Because I'm a public blogger. Anonymity, in my point of view, is more harmful than helpful and despite not being able to write about some things that would be worked out through the therapy of word-sharing, I still couldn't imagine doing this any differently. (Remember that rant against anonymous bloggers I wrote?)

Okay, back up, is that really true? Back on March 11, 2006, I wrote,

This is top secret. 

And just in case google does take over the world. I want to be prepared for the changeover when all other blog hosts go defunk. I respect you, LiveJournal, and you've had my love for the past 6 or 7 years, but there comes a time, you know. A time when google waves it's hand over the land and everything disappears.

Ridiculous, I know. So I'm only remembering it the way I want to remember. Or am I? On March 26, 2006, I wrote,

OK. So I lied. I'm moving over. I've decided to be more anonymous. More liberal. But more anonymous. LiveJournal, I love you so, but quite frankly, maybe the fact that I've been around there since the late 1990s has made me ... not grow. I want to write more meaningful things. I want to post about Judaism and what I'm learning and my mundane activities should be no part of that. I need to grow and mature in my writing and my faith. 

So I'll start over. I'm tired of trying to find mantras and phrases that should define how we should be and how we aren't. I can't put words to anything but my emotions. You can't put words to the future, only to the past. So there's no point in trying to express what future I could find, when I should just be writing and creating a chronology for the past. 

Well, and that's where we begin.

Oops. Wrong again. I wanted to be anonymous? I don't remember it that way. In fact, I remember feeling like this blog was a new beginning, a liberation, a place where I could really be the big, bad Jewish me that I was -- something that didn't fit in fluidly with my LiveJournal persona of angst and anger and, well, language. Lots of language. I was a sailor once upon a time, evidently.

It's funny to me, going back and reading this. I was inspired to do so because a friend back in Nebraska (Thanks, Sarah!) sent me an article from the July 2010 College English journal, "A Virtual Veibershul: Blogging and the Blurring of Public and Private among Orthodox Jewish Women" by Andrea Lieber. 

The article is based on research from 2006-2008, a time period in which I was still a mere puddle in the Jewish Blogosphere, let alone an Orthodox Jewish Woman blogger. The author suggests that "blogging is better understood as a technology that enables an expansion of the private sphere for the Orthodox Jewish women who write them" (622), which I can partially agree with, but then she says things like "Blogs are usually, but not always, anonymous" (629), which I wholly disagree with. 

The article is interesting because it focuses on several anonymous, frum women bloggers who tell Lieber that their blog is their place "to vent," "to shout out to the entire world," or to utter a "primal scream" (629). One of the women goes so far as to describe herself as completely orthopraxic but living the life because that's just what you do. To be honest, her case studies are, in my opinion, an incredibly poor glimpse at the amazingly broad tapestry of Orthodox Jewish Women bloggers. She cites 50 OJW blogs discovered between November 2006 and March 2007. Really?

My question is: Did those of us out there who are Orthodox Jewish Women bloggers just hit the scene with force in the past three years? Most of the OJW bloggers I know wouldn't describe their blogs as some place for them to scream out in a way that they can't traditionally in the "traditional" community. 

I also don't feel like most of the OJW bloggers I know would agree that their "public writing does subvert certain aspects of traditional Jewish gender roles" (622). The women that Lieber interviewed were quick to point out that their blogging had no feminist ambitions, and I would agree with that point for most of the OJW bloggers I've encountered. Then again, I suppose one can argue what Orthodoxy and Feminism even mean together for the OJW blogger. If anything, I would urge Ms. Lieber to reexamine her data, search out the powerful OJW bloggers out there who serve as a PSA (public service announcement) for Orthodoxy and strong women, and reconsider some of her conclusions.

I may not have started this blog out with some grand plan that has led me to this point, but one thing was always certain, and that was that I wanted to "post about Judaism." I never wanted my posting to be forceful or even educational -- I just wanted to write, to put words down because for me it was therapeutic. Pen to paper, soul to words. That's how I view blogging. I'm not writing a guide to live by, and I'm not telling others how to be or do Judaism. I'm not liberating myself or other Orthodox Jewish Women by blogging. What am I doing?

I'm telling a story -- to what has turned into a beautiful, captivated audience. 

An Explanation of My Header

Someone pointed out to me that there's a misspelling in my header here on the blog, and it's funny, because it was the first time some pointed it out to me. So lest you all think that I can't spell, I have to explain. In the header, it says that this blog is "A Practical Guide to the Perpetually Underconstruction Neshama of the Kvetching Editor."

For those of you keeping score at home, usually it's "under-construction" or "under construction," so why exactly did I spell it as one word? Being the editor that I am?

I wrote a blog post about this philosophy on By any other name ... back in 2008, and I've noted the idea of Underconstructionist Judaism many times, most recently in my own response to The Tzniut Project. There are a lot more posts where I reference this philosophy, too.

The idea is that all Jews should be moving, flowing, questioning, and searching, never settling. Jews should be under construction, always.

Thus, in my header, it's a play on words. Capiche!?

Kvetching and Noshing

Well, I'm at it again! As if I don't have enough on my plate and more to come, I've started another blog.

Yes, I know. I have this blog about all things Jewish and Judaism, and I have my Gluten-Free Kosher Critic blog where I review the obvious. But I wanted to start a very honest, blunt, and to-the-point blog about the struggle with food and the journey of weight-loss and healthy living. I'm I'm guessing at some point that the new blog will merge with Gluten-Free Kosher Critic, especially because with my new plan, Gluten-Free prepackaged foods often will be out, but for now, they're separate.

Thus, I give you Kvetching & Noshing. Check it out. Let's talk. And don't judge me!

When Did You "Know"?

It's 2011. It's still 5771, but welcome to 2011. It's a prime year, you know. Enjoy it while you can!

Taken August 18, 2004 in my old room at my parents' house. Yes, that's a Fiddler on the Roof shirt.

Feeling nostalgic and trying to really map out my Jewish journey, I turned to my LiveJournal. Yes, I had a LiveJournal. It started way back in 1997 or 1998, I forget, and had several different versions before it settled into its most recent embodiment, which was live from 2002-06 when I started this blog, although since 2006 it's had some odds and ends posts, and most recently is my depository of dreams. The important thing about this journal is that it (should) chronicles my journey into Judaism period. It was of the Reform variety by the time I converted in 2006, but was it always like that? It's funny how we remember our own histories in a very specific way, and how written, historic facts can sometimes change what we know.

The way I tell it -- and the way I remember it -- is that sometime in 2003 (even this is fuzzy), a friend and I were talking over religion in what I like to call the Great Gatsby Room of Neihardt Hall in Lincoln, Nebraska. It's the Honors Dorm, and conversations tended to roll around religion and politics and the typical geekwad stuff you'd suspect. That night, as it was a night, amid studying, it turned to religion. I had a lot of new friends who were very seriously religious Christians (as many of my high school friends had been), and many of them were more of the proselytizing bent than I was used to. Thus, we talked religion. For me, at that point, I'd already stepped out of the role of a Christian and had turned toward being agnostic with my own "subset" of beliefs about the world, religion, and G-d. Having explained all of this to this friend, he suggested I look into Judaism and the rest, as I tell people, is history.

But is that how it went? Well, I can't peg the moment, unfortunately, when the light of Judaism was turned on, but I can peg some other significant moments. I want to blog about these over the coming days, weeks, months, whatever, in order to piece together perhaps how I got to where I am and perhaps shed some light -- for you and me -- on how I ended up an "Orthodox Jew."

Consider this Phase 1. A note about this post below. This was well over six years ago, and probably more than a year after I'd discovered and fell in love with Judaism. It took me a long time to get to a synagogue because I had ZERO Jewish friends and no direction in which to go. It took me a long time to even realize we had a synagogue in town. What I don't remember about this time, however, is struggling about what type of conversion to have. Evidently, I was cognizant of this before I even started studying for conversion. I'm going to insert some comments as I go, so look out. Man, I wish I could go back and talk to 2004 me.

-------------------------------------------------

Date: August 14, 2004

Current mood: Grateful

Post title: First time at Synagogue!

OK. So Temple was amazing. I went last night to 7:45 service, hung around for the Oneg, chatted with many of the members, then got up this morning and went for the 9:30 service and stuck around for Torah Study which lasted till about 12. Then I went to lunch with J and D (a convert) at Open Harvest. Talk about a delicious meal with good Jew-related conversation.

The service began and I felt terribly relaxed. I had no problem reading the prayer book (as it went from back to front, you know) and sounding out the words was no problem. There was a lot of people there last night because Rabbi Stiel was in town, so tons of people came. There were children wandering around, and men had on their head attire. The songs were beautiful, and the Hebrew flowed so fine through the synagogue. The windows had beautiful, colored stained glass, and the ark with the Torah was a beautiful wood. The star of david was everywhere and the candles were lit. But the building was completely, and utterly simple. It was beautiful, but in the most simplistic of ways. During silent prayer, the building was echoing of thoughts, it was the strangest thing. Everyone was so still, so silent, but there was this constant echo. I felt so at ease reciting the verses and singing the songs. And I loved the old-world feel of the voices singing ... it was so ... historical and omnipresent.

Afterward was the Oneg. We ate challah and chatted over fruit and nuts and other things. B, this little 4 year old, was running around all over the place and his sister was chasing him. Their father introduced himself to me and shook my hand. He was VERY Jewish. [I wonder what I meant by this exactly. Then again, I'd encountered around 2 Jews at this point, so ...] There was an old man who had a button that said "Cancer Sucks" and lots of other children and families. Not as many as I was hoping though ... and not as many yarmulkas as I was hoping for either. But I reminded myself it was a Reform Synagogue. And this, is something I struggle with. [I wish I had elaborated here. I don't remember being frustrated -- at that time -- with the observance or numbers or anything. How bizarre.]

Last night I came home and went straight to bed at 11. I slept and was going to go to the Farmer's Market, but slept in instead. J picked me up 'round 9:20, so we were a little late for service. There wasn't enough for a minyan, which stunk, but it was a nice intimate service. Afterward LOTS of people showed up for Torah Study. There was 2 other people there who are in the conversion process, E and J. E had her husband J with her -- and he was a hoot. We were reading something from Deuteronomy today ... and I kept fairly quiet. Though I wanted to speak up when Rab. Stiel mentioned Maimonides and while we were talking about Orthodox Jews. But we had good laughs. [Wow. Huh? Orthodox Jews and what? Why laughs? Where were the details!? I'd slap me in the face if I could.]

After the study we went to lunch at Open Harvest for lunch. It's a grocery store/co-op/deli, and it was delicious. I bought some overpriced vegetables and fruits, but damn they looked good. I intend on going back to Open Harvest to buy produce when the farmer's market closes for the year. I'll probably become a member of the co-op ... 10 bucks a year isn't much for the good food. AND ... they sell a LOT of kosher items, which rocks.  ... [I don't remember kashrut even being on my radar at this point. I'm kind of proud, but upset I didn't embrace kashrut until nearly four years later.]

But one last thing ... I can't explain how connected I felt last night. It's amazing how at ease I was with the people, with the prayerbook, the words and the space. And this morning I made myself at home in the kitchen making coffee for everyone. I just felt ... like I belonged there. It wasn't a you and them thing, it was an "US" thing. And that is how I know this is for me. Now it just sucks because I have a whole week till services again ... but the problem is this: Friday night I said I'd help out at the stadium for this STUPID stadium walk they're doing. So I could go to Saturday service and torah study ... but I enjoy Friday night service. It's a nice culmination to the week.

So I think that the change in my priorities will be set now, changed and set. And I'm completely, COMPLETELY, happy with that. Now I just have to figure out ... do I want to convert Reform? Or do I want to convert Conservative/Orthodox where there is more halakic focus. Le sigh. This is a huge consideration, folks. [Hold the phone. What? I recall wanting to visit the Conservative shul to figure out whether that was a better route, but I don't remember *seriously* considering it. I also remember the huge turnoff the Conservative shul was for me. I guess the deal was sealed, but I'm happy to know that I was trying to educate myself on all avenues.]

OK. Time to walk ...

--------------------------

Looks like I'll have to go farther back in time. Clearly by August 2004 I was well on my way to converting. Heck, I was battling over what derech and thinking about kashrut and Shabbos observance as serious things. I give me some props for being aware. But "when" is the question here. So back to the annals ... 

Well, I Guess it Was Good ...

To you, me, and the entire Jewish blogosphere. Let's drink to 2011 (and the rest of 5771, of course).

It's weird being Jewish. I don't mean that in the general sense (although sometimes it really is weird, like when you're waving that gigantic lemon and those twigs around), but in the sense that New Years is upon us and a whole lotta Jews everywhere are shutting down for Shabbat, not New Years. There will be no parties, and I'm sure plenty will go to bed before the ball drops or the clock strikes 12 (although I'm guessing a lot of people do that anyway). Booze might be had, and an abundance of food surely will be consumed, but that's just what Shabbat is about, right? Eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow will come Y2K.

I actually didn't realize that New Years fell on Shabbat this year until last week, and I wasn't as depressed as I'd thought. I mean, my family had a very specific New Years plan when I was growing up. Mom would cut up various meats and cheeses, she'd make cheeseball (not the kind you're thinking), various dips, and we'd sit around noshing for a few hours on what we liked to call "Picnic" food. My mom would make the kids a non-alcoholic Pina Colada and my dad an alcoholic Margarita (the only alcohol he'd consume all year). We'd eat, watch the ball drop, then go to bed. That was our tradition since, well, forever. When I started dating Tuvia, I opted to hold on to bits of this tradition but making the Pina Colada alcoholic and choosing either meat or cheese as the cuisine of choice. Last year we did some cheese and crackers with veggies and dips, as well as chips and dip. It was really great, and it connected me to that childhood event that so defined New Years for me. And Tuvia was more than happy to play along.

This year, however, what to do? We can't run the blender on Shabbat, and by the time we eat (after all, Shabbat starts around 4:30) and try to bide some time, we'll be tired by 9 p.m. Will it be worth it to stay up until midnight not watching the mayhem on television? Not seeing the ball drop? I mean, Snookie of Jersey Shore fame will be going down in a ball, too! This is life-altering stuff, folks. And it will all take place behind the darkened screens of hundreds of televisions while Jewish families get their Shabbat on.

It seems stupid. Maybe it's not such a big deal. But isn't it? There are four New Years for Jews, and one of them is coming up -- Tu b'Shevat, aka the Jewish arbor day -- on January 20, 2011. But it's not a ball dropping, Pina Colada drinking kind of holiday. It's a "respect the trees" kind of holiday. I get that. But I can't help but feel like I'm missing out not watching the gaudy experience of Times Squarers every where.

But I shouldn't complain. 2010 saw a lot of really amazing things for me for which I've already belabored the points. What I didn't mention, however, is how incredibly well-read this blog has become, and that, for me, is a huge blessing. The nearly 14,000 page views a month (my eyes are popping out of my head right now) doesn't get me anything in revenue, but it does bring me a lot of interesting things to think about and write about, and it does suggest tiny little hugs at the rate of about 500 views a day (except on Shabbat, of course, you guys are serious). And, you have to remember, the goal of this blog is not money-making: It's people making. The goal here, is to light a fire under all the souls I can. And this year has done that. My most read and commented-on posts have all been written this year, 2010. (Check out the list over there on the right column.)

I never thought this blog would become as respected as y'all think it is, and it's a huge compliment to me. I wanted this blog to be a place of truth, surprise, and story-telling. I wanted my readers to see that I'm a real person, saying real things, expressing real emotions about real events in my life that mean something to me. The motto, I suppose, of this blog, is that "I cannot tell a lie -- to a fault." Sometimes that might be good, sometimes it might be bad, but for better or worse, it's me.

So thank you all, for an amazing, explosive 2010. I only hope 2011 brings more awesomeness and what you want to see and hear from me. And, of course, might 5771 continue to be as stellar as it has been all along. I hope to resurrect some old topics from 2006-2009 that y'all might have missed out on, but those things are so much about who I am now. I also hope to tell more stories about how I got to where I am and how I even came to Judaism in the first place. It didn't all happen in a vacuum!

And with that, I say, happy (Gregorian) New Year, everyone. Eat, drink, and be oh-so-merry!

Because You Don't Get Enough of Me, Right?

In case y'all missed it, there's an interview with me up over at You, Me & Religion.

Check it out: Chaviva G. The comments have been *very* interesting.

HH is Up: The Cold of Tevet

The newest installment of Haveil Havalim -- the Jewish blog "carnival" -- is live over at Letters of Thought, the thoughtful (bada ching!) blog of my good friend @Mottel. Head over and give him some love and enjoy the variety that the Jewish blogosphere has to offer.

And, of course, don't forget to submit for next week's blog carnival. If anything, it's the best way to get your blog's name and content out there in an easy format. I've found some of my favorite blogs that way, and the traffic it's driven here has been great. Another great way to drive people to your blog? Offer to HOST a Haveil Havalim installment! They're always looking for hosts.

Which reminds me ... I should probably volunteer again.

If I Walked Off the Pages of My Blog

As a departure from my last post -- which I could probably now call "Sleepy Time Hair Covering Mayhem!" -- I'd like to talk a bit about an article I spotted on Twitter thanks to @critiques4geeks about what brands look like, in the physical.

"What Kind of Person is Your Brand?" details the personality that is depicted by a brand, what it looks like and sounds like, what people think of it, in the sense that it's sort of a living, breathing organism more than a word or identifier. The writer did a survey with photos of people being matched to brand names like Starbucks, BP, and Google, and the results were not shocking. Starbucks = soccer mom; Google = hip Asian guy; and BP = old, white, curmudgeonly man. The point, the writer says, is that we project personalities onto brands, whether we mean to or not.

It reminds me of how in many languages, nouns have gender. So, for example, an autobus (אוטובוס)in Hebrew is masculine, while oogah (עוגה), or cake, is feminine. There have been studies done for years where people are asked to match pictures to objects, and most of the time -- if people are from cultures where nouns have gender -- people match the item to its gender image. So a cartoon drawing of a cake would have female characteristics, while a bus would more likely be trained Thomas the Tank Engine style.

Maybe the connection is loose, but it makes sense to me.

The writer goes on to explain three types of brands:

1. The brand that we sort of take for granted. We don’t swoon when we see the logo but we trust it. If it were a person, we’d say hello, and perhaps go for a beer at the local bar. I go to my local grocery store every week and like it well enough. But if a competitor opened up down the street, I’d have no hesitation in trying it out. 
2. The sort of brand that we really, really like. We would like to have dinner with this brand, even go on a date. I feel this way about my Marvis Toothpaste and my Happy Socks. I’ll go out of my way to buy it. 
3. The sort of brand that we’d bring home to meet our parents. We want to marry this brand. Harley Davidson, Apple, and even Crayola Crayons. People get tattoos of these brands’ logos inked onto their bodies.

This all, of course, makes me wonder: What kind of brand am I for my readers? How do you all see me? My picture is plastered all over this blog, so you all know what I look like, and many of you have even met me and know that my real-life personality and my blog personality are pretty close to one-in-the-same. And I know that the term "brand" is hard to use when referring to a person's personality and created content, but I do have a brand. Social media professionals are brands. Mine is kvetchingeditor, which means you can google that term and find every last bit of content I've created, not to mention all the facts about me that you do or don't care to know. My brand stands for very specific things, whether my readers know it or not. As a brand, kvetchingeditor is a fine purveyor of Jewishly-themed, sometimes academic, and always thoughtful content. But the question is, if I had a storefront, what kind of brand would people see me as?

Anyhow, I'd love to hear your thoughts on what kind of brand you think I am. If I walked off your computer screen, would you give me a firm talking to? A hug? A slap on the back? Would you take me home to mom and dad or a dinner party? What kind of person is my brand?

Shall We Schmooze?

A girl can't speak on a Social Media panel without her MyTouch 4g, can she!?

Monday night, I had the privilege of sitting on a highly esteemed panel of Social Media pros for the MetroImma Social Media Schmooze. I had anticipated writing an awesome recap of the event, but, thanks to a few awesome individuals, a recap already has been written -- times two!

Check out AlarBean's take on the event, as well as panelist In the Pink!

It was most excellent to finally meet many people in person, including @alarbean, @rivkaht, the most amazing moderator in the world @critiques4geeks, @rafiber, and more! Not to mention, of course, the countless old (e-)friends who also made it in.

Overall, the event went really well, and it was nice to be able to share my experience and expertise with newbies and old pros alike. The one thing I would like to mention is that someone asked how we bloggers make money -- if we make money. I joked that I'm waiting for the book deal, but there's a truth here. I don't make money on this blog, I make things. I get products to review -- food, clothes, books, you name it. But I haven't made a cent, as far as deposits into my bank account go, in the four-and-a-half years that I've been running Just Call Me Chaviva. Am I upset about this?

Sure.

But in the end, I don't blog for fame and fortune. Sure, I love being able to influence people and speak to people's hearts and help converts through the positive and present the oft-overlooked Judaism that we all should be embracing. But we all have bills to pay and mouths to feed. I'm blessed to have a husband that has a good job, a job that allows me to be in school full-time (on scholarship, that is). And at the end of the day, I'm not losing it over an inability to make money.

It'd be nice. In a perfect world, I'd make money off of the very few ads I keep here on the blog (people don't like ads, plain and simple), but I don't, and I'm okay with that. I didn't start the blog to make money, and to change my mission statement at this point would be uncomfortable. Of course, I also have to point out that this isn't a perfect world. I'll keep bloggin', as long as y'all keep reading!

Be Careful What You Post ... or Don't!

While reading my friendly neighborhood New York Times Magazine (circa October 24, 2010), I learned something shockingly shocking: it is "reported that bloggers — regular folk expressing their honest opinions! — could face huge fines ('up to $11,000 per post,' Mashable.com asserted) for inadequate disclosure."

Wah!? So you're telling me that if I didn't mention that the kind folks behind Kosher by Design had actually sent me the book to review, some snoopy Big Brother could have turned me into the FTC and I would have been facing an $11,000 fine!? Hot dog. That's a hefty fine for non-disclosure.

Anyone run into any FTC issues for non-disclosure? I'm baffled. And wondering how this is actually enforced. I wonder if all of those hits on my blog from Washington, D.C., are really Big Brother checking in ... hopefully my reviews that I do on my own accord (you know, buying the products myself and reviewing them myself) are mistaken for undisclosed reviews and ... what if agents are around the corner!?

HH #284: No Cholent For You!

It's that time again ... yes, after a year-and-a-half respite, I'm hosting Haveil Havalim again. This time? We're rocking edition No. 284. I've happily named this the "No Cholent for You!" edition, because I know that most of you are deeply depressed that thanks to Yom Kippur falling on Shabbos, you didn't get to indulge in that delicious crock of yummy meaty goodness called cholent! I know you're seriously upset, I mean, my husband has been weeping for the past day (or maybe he's repenting?), so here's a photo of some of the goodness.

Ahh, the traditional Ashkenazi-style stuff: beans, potatoes, meat, and barley. (Gluten free, I rock rice or quinoa.)

For those of you faithful readers who weren't around back in March 2009 when I first hosted who might have zero clue what Haveil Havalim is, it's a really awesome concept.

Founded by Soccer Dad, Haveil Havalim is a carnival of Jewish blogs -- a weekly collection of Jewish and Israeli blog highlights, tidbits and points of interest collected from blogs all around the world. It's hosted by different bloggers each week and coordinated by Jack. The term "Haveil Havalim," which means "Vanity of Vanities," is from Qoheleth, (Ecclesiastes) which was written by King Solomon. King Solomon built the Holy Temple in Jerusalem and later on got all bogged down in materialism and other "excesses" and realized that it was nothing but "hevel" (or in English, "vanity").

I know, right? Super exciting. So I get all of the submissions (three per blogger's the rule!) via the entry form and sort them out and, sometimes, add a bit of commentary, so let's begin.

Grab-Bag Posts!

RickisMom presents Motivation, Discipline, and Willpower posted at Beneath the Wings, saying, the post is a bit personal, but also a bit of teshuva and how we all change.

Mazal tov to Allison Josephs & Jew in the City in honor of JITC Turning 3! at Jew In The City! Also over at Jew in the City is  If I Could Turn Back Time: Teshuvah - the Only Way to Turn Back Time.

You can find a "cynical" set of haikus over at the Selichos Haiku Rant, as well as some Gifts to give your Rabbi posted at The Rebbetzin's Husband.


A binder by any other name by Mrs. S is posted at Our Shiputzim: A Work In Progress.

Ooo! Sephardic cholent. All crazy with the eggs.

Culture

Jacob offers up a video with 25 new Hebrew words around the house over at Good News from Israel.

Israel

Joel Katz presents Religion and State in Israel (Section 1) and Religion and State in Israel  (Section 2) posted at Religion and State in Israel.

Have I Been Mistaken for a Head of Insect-free Lettuce? is up over at Shiloh Musings.

Hadassa DeYoung presents Have I Been Mistaken for a Head of Insect-free Lettuce? posted at Shiloh Musings in which she discusses "uprooting." I'd recommend checking out this post for the comments!

Jewish music

A Jewish Music Insider presents Why do you buy a CD? posted at Jewish Blogmeister. And Risa offers Women and Prayers at Isramom

Judaism

Lady-Light presents Kaparot with Chickens: Custom or Cruelty? posted at Tikkun Olam, asking, "Is this religious and holy, or merely superstitious?"

On Shiloh Musings, Batya presents Israelis Prepare for the Three Day Rosh Hashannah Onslaught, as well as Kol Nidre, Wiping The Slate.

The illustrious Gruven Reuven reflects on his son's taking-on of computers and his own plan of study with Computers and Chassidus at Gruven Reuven.

Elianah-Sharon presents Fill 'Er Up! and The Days of Awe over on Irresistibly Me.


The illustrious Notorious R.A.V. presents My Big, Fat, Middle Aged, Facebook Elul: Teshuva Meets Social Media posted at The Notorious R.A.V. If you read a single post from this carnival, I recommend you read this one, which is chock full of reflection and analysis about who we were and who will are.

Rabbi Oliver presents The Moshiach paradox: Preparing and praying at A Chassidishe farbrengen.


Food Before the Fast by Batya can be found over at me-ander.

Rachel Barenblat presents More Yom Kippur resources: video, liturgy, song posted at Velveteen Rabbi.

A wasted life? Yechezkel offers a message for Yom Kippur with  The Most Terrible Crime a Human Being Can Commit posted at Achas L'Maala V'Sheva L'Matta.

Personal

Another hearty mazal tov, this time to Batya, who has a new granddaughter! Check it out at Thank G-d! A Baby Girl!! and Bitter Sweet posted at me-ander.

Elianah-Sharon presents The Top Five Steps of Crisis Management posted at Irresistably Me.

Everyone's favorite Yiddishe Mama, Dass, presents a very personal and thoughtful Forgiveness is Freeing over on In the Pink.

And, lastly, blog newcomer Ally presents Modesty: My Personal Journey posted at "Modestly Fashioned" in which she explains what brought her to tzniut. As a huge fan of Ally's awesome style, I recommend reading this post to get the 411 on how she got there.

------------------------------------------------

If you're interested in submitting a post to Haveil Havalim, use the carnival submission form and stay tuned for future blog carnival posts, which, in addition to past posts, can be found on the blog carnival index page.

I hope you all had a meaningful and easy fast (I spent most of the day sick and in bed) and that cholent, truly, is the last thing on your mind! Shavua Tov and Shanah Tovah!

Haveil Havalim is Up!

Check it out over on Soccer Dad. Good people, good reads, good times.

No. 280!

A New Look.

I've been Jonesing for a new look for a while now (I can't even remember when I opened up my last blog layout, but since then, this blog has grown and grown and grown and I need more coffee!), and this is what I've come up with.

Do you like it? Do you not like it? Give me your feedback, and we'll go from there.

I hope y'all had an easy fast (tzom qal), although someone pointed out on Facebook that maybe all this easy fasting is why we haven't seen much change in our situation, eh? Here's to hard, painful, exhausting fasts in the future!

**** Are you looking for a unique Jewish Gift? ****

Anonymous Blogging: Woe is Me ...

I sure hope I don't get blasted for this post, but here goes. 

Listen, I get why people blog anonymously. At least, I get why some people blog anonymously. Some people are honest in their fearing for the future of their family, their children, shidduchim, etc. It's hard sometimes to be completely "out" in the sense that everyone knows who you are and can link your face and your name to all that drivel you spill out on the internet every day (a joke, folks), but some people do it purely to be able to get a rise out of people. If you have no name and no face and no community, you can say whatever you want, no matter how far on the fringe it might be from your beliefs, and you can watch mostly innocent folks prowling the internet freak the heck out. Good for you. Except not.

There are blogs I respect for maintaining anonymity, like DovBear, who I'm pretty sure lives in a very frum community and I'm pretty sure is a really great guy who just wants to be able to ask questions and talk about things without the fear of someone claiming he's off the derech or on his way there. Although I don't always agree with the anonymous blogging, I get why he's doing it. For me, I think anonymous blogging is sort of a cheat, a way to blast whoever you want, whenever you want, and you won't face any repercussions. At the same time, everyone out there will take what you say with a grain of salt because to be honest people need to know the face behind the curtain. Look at the Wizard of Oz or that episode of Family Guy with the man-eating fish. But DovBear? I'll let him slide. He's making it work, and he's honest about what he does; he isn't a thrill-seeking shock jock (and if he is, boy he has me fooled).

The reason I'm writing this blog post is because there's a new shock-jocking anonymous blogger on the web, and, well, to be honest I'm a little concerned. This new blogger is a rabbi. An Orthodox rabbi. With a congregation for which he is at the helm. His blog? The Orthoprax Rabbi. Okay, fine, what's the big deal? Well, he says, and I quote from his first blog post, "... while my congregants are all Orthodox, to varying degrees, I am not. I don’t believe in any of it. I am an atheist. I personally don’t keep much of any of Jewish law."

Sigh.

He goes on to talk about how his congregants all like him, how he got a contract extension, etc. That his gig is just a gig like any other gig (comparing it to being a plumber, of all things), and that belief is not important for his job.

What? Are you serious?  Why become a rabbi if you're not preparing yourself to lead a congregation, both spiritually or functionally. They don't want someone to answer black and white questions with some textbook answer, they want a spiritual guide in their rabbi. It's why they hire you.

Listen, this guy can believe whatever he wants and do whatever he wants behind and in front of closed doors, but I have a serious -- SERIOUS -- problem with the fact that he's blogging anonymously, dragging his unknowing congregation through the mud with him. Do his congregants (who all like him!) know how flippant he is about his Judaism (or lack there of) and his disregard for his congregants' well-being on a PUBLIC BLOG?!

I'm guessing no. I'm also guessing that this guy doesn't give a rat's you know what about his congregation, their spiritual well-being, or the future of his children (who he mentions) in the big, fat Jewish world. It's depressing.

If you're going to be flippant and disrespectful to a community who you say likes you, but who probably doesn't know that you're an athiest or how openly willing you are to express yourself and how completely unimportant your job is to you, then blog publicly. Have some self-respect. I guarantee that your community wouldn't like you -- the real you -- as much as you think. Especially if any of those congregants are looking for a spiritual guide (which they are).

Rabbi, if you don't like your job, if you don't believe in it, if you're only doing it for a paycheck, then get a new job, don't take your congregation down and don't mislead them. We all have our moments of questioning, but you seem to have made a big decision to just not search, to not care, and to just dish out black and white answers without any feeling, passion, or self-respect. So go become a lawyer, a plumber, just don't taint your congregation because you're having a spiritual drought.

You, sir, are what's wrong with anonymous blogging. Internet: Take note.

(Hat tip to several folks for also blogging on this, including but not limited to, ADDRabbi, The Rebbetzin's Husband, and Adventures in Jewish Thought.)