On Being Fat: Stick to Style, Not Size Number

First grade, homemade dress!

Once upon a time, I was a slam poet. I guess you don't ever really stop being a slam poet, but for me, my poetry juice appears to have dried up. I went through a period in my early/mid 20s where, when I put pen to paper, it made me proud and I worked up the courage to throw words into a crowd. Now, I'm lucky to find the time to blog right here, where I've been blogging for 10 years now.

One of those poems I penned during my slam renaissance was called "First Fat Miss America." It was inspired by an interaction I had as a child while watching the Miss America pageant, and it painted how I viewed myself and how I felt about myself for a long time. Yes, I was told that I, Amanda Jo Edwards, could be the first fat Miss America. I had the potential. Now, I suppose this could have been a compliment, the idea that I, a girl born and raised in the Midwest of the United States, could achieve such a fanciful goal. But I got stuck. Stuck on "fat." And I think that was the point.

I was never thin, and I was always depressed about my size.

I was a pretty cute baby, gosh darn't, but starting the moment I hit school, I was fat. I was basically fat up until I hit middle school and learned that I could skip lunch, I could dump it all in the garbage and my parents would be none the wiser. Yet, somehow, years of skipped lunches and grumbling stomachs didn't leave me thin. I just got fatter. My mom made my clothes for most of my younger years, and as I got older I ventured into the Pretty Plus section at Sears (the girls' equivalent of Husky), and when I entered middle school, I started noticing how different I was. I had a very tight-knit group of friends, 80 percent who were much, much thinner than me. By 6th grade I'd shot up in height, hit puberty, and was gigantic compared to both boys and girls in my class. I started wearing women's clothing, and it wasn't pretty.

Hello fifth grade.

In high school, I went through the same pattern of having extremely thin friends, tossing my lunch, and trying to stay as slim as I could. When I'd tell people how much I weighed, I was always told, "wow, you really wear your weight well." I worked at McDonalds for two years in high school and managed a steady diet of a plain grilled chicken sandwich with a touch of sweet and sour sauce and a small fry. I didn't succumb to the cravings; I had to watch my already-large figure.

Just before graduation in 2006.

By the time I graduated college, I was at an all-time high weight because the rigors of college newspaper life (80 hour work weeks and midnight runs to the local bar) left me drunk and with the munchies and that led me to fast food restaurants. Food was comfort, clothing was hell.

After I graduated college and moved to Washington D.C. in 2006, I lacked a social life, and I started to lose weight. I went vegetarian (it was cheaper), walked just about everywhere, and was depressed as hell. I moved to Chicago to be with a boy and gained 30 pounds because, well, I was still depressed and he cooked the most outlandishly fattening food and bars and late-night pizza were our jam. I was at another all-time high weight when I moved out and we broke up.

I went on Weight Watchers in 2008 and lost 25 pounds, bought a new wardrobe, and finally felt beautiful. I attempted to replicate that 25 pound weight loss, but despite a dozen times rejoining, it's been unattainable. Since then, I've basically been the same weight. I will proudly and boldly say I hover at around 210 pounds, and there's nothing I can do to budge those numbers, it seems.

2008 in Chicago

With Little T, I managed to gain about 25-30 pounds, quite the opposite of what happened with Asher, when I lost 25 pounds during and after the birth (and then regained them, of course). The funny thing is that right after I had Little T, I dropped those pounds and floated right back to my starter weight (yes, it was all fluid retention).

They say with every pregnancy and as you get older, your weight shifts and you wear it differently. My truth is that, yes, perhaps I wear my weight well, but I have always hated how I wear it. I've always been angry that my mom, my dad, and both of my brothers had skinny chunks of life. I've never had the opportunity to experience "skinny" like they did. They could lose the weight, I always told myself. They just don't. It's not fair. 

When I came home from the hospital with Little T and surveyed what was left of my pre-baby clothes and my pregnancy clothes, I cringed. Nothing fit right. Too loose, too baggy, too tight in the wrong places. Only my loose-fitting cotton Old Navy maternity skirts really fit well. I tried very hard to put the clothes on and feel comfortable, or beautiful, or whatever a woman who just gave birth and who has hated her body her whole life should feel. Toss on the fact that everything I wear needs to be nursing friendly and, well, I could have broken the mirror.

And then it happened.

You see, a friend from Facebook who I've never met in real life had invited me to this online "party" to buy clothes from this company called LuLaRoe that I'd never heard of. I ended up wanting to buy some things, but being anxious about the sizing, I opted out. After I had Little T, I popped into one of these "parties" and ended up buying a skirt on a whim based on some sizing instructions from a LLR consultant. Unfortunately, the sizing instructions, while perfectly accurate, were not really perfect for someone of my size trying to dress modestly.

On a whim, I went to the LLR website to see if there was a local consultant. I found a woman who happened to live right around the corner (I could walk to her house in about 10 minutes) and it turned out she was hosting an in-house popup that very week. Perfect. It was bashert (meant to be). I sent her a message about how excited I was because I needed to try on some of the styles to see what sizes were right for me. I explained I was Orthodox, and that I'd see her soon.

In the meantime, I was waiting for a skirt I'd purchased, again on a whim, from a small company called Jade Mackenzie to arrive, and guess what, it did. Perfectly. Like a glove perfectly. The funniest thing about it was that the size that I ordered would have once made me cringe or be depressed about my size, but it fit, and that was all that mattered. I found something that was stylish, comfortable, and fit my modesty needs. I felt like I was on to something.

At the LLR party I went to, I started trying on clothes. The sizing is a bit wonky until you get used to it, so I was able to buy a Large in one style and a 2XL in another, but again, the sizing didn't get me down. I found shirts that fit. Shirts that were stylish. And the consultant encouraged me to go for patterns, and when I picked one up and tried it on, I felt golden.

Now, for those of you who've never been fat, you might not understand what it's like to put on a patterned shirt. I'm not talking about something black and white that's lightly patterned, I'm talking bright, vibrant colors and loud patterns. As a fat person, you just don't wear that type of clothing. It draws attention, you're told. It makes you look like a clown, you're told. Fat people don't wear patterns, stripes, polka dots (+1 on the clown comment), or anything other than muted colors and, most importantly, most especially, black. You wear a lot of black. It's slimming on everyone, but especially larger women, of course.

My unicorn.

This patterned, size large, Irma was a gateway. I'm reimagining my wardrobe as we speak. I bought another patterned Irma, my "unicorn" as I'm calling it, because when I put it on (I could wear it every day), I feel invincible and beautiful and funky. It's the textile version of the ridiculous dialogue that's constantly running in my head. And the best thing about the Irmas? No crazy layering. As a fat, breastfeeding Orthodox woman, the truth is layering is my worst nightmare, especially in the summer, but in many cases, it's a necessity.

For the first time in a long time, maybe since 2008 when I dropped those 25 pounds and found my figure and self-confidence, after three years of hearing Mr. T say "stop insulting my wife" when I put myself down, I think I'm on to something. I think I'm on to feeling beautiful and throwing cautious attire to the wind. I'm not looking at sizes anymore, I'm looking at styles, colors, patterns, and what it does for my shape.

Size is just a number. A stupid, unnecessary number that makes people feel bad about themselves. Stick to style.

Some of my favorite brands right now, as a proudly fat, breastfeeding mother of two:

• LuLaRoe (and yes, I'm totally in line to become a consultant because I believe in beauty)
• Jade Mackenzie
• NakedTank (this thing is the most genius invention ... ever)
• KosherCasual (for shells, of course)

Note: Yes, I use the word "fat" to describe myself. By medical standards, I'm morbidly obese, oh my! I could use the words curvy or plus-size, but they're just masks. I'm okay with the word. Are you?

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The Tzniut Project 2.0: The Traditional Egal Approach

This is the second in the Women's Edition of a series called The Tzniut Project 2.0. For the Women's Edition, women from a variety of backgrounds with a variety of observances have volunteered to anonymously answer questions that I have written about their practices, people's assumptions, and more. For more information on origins the project, click here. 

Please continue to check back with The Tzniut Project to read more stories and comment abundantly! For the Men's Edition, pop over here.

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1. How do you affiliate Jewishly? Feel free to elaborate on the words people use to describe you and the words you use to describe yourself. If you feel comfortable letting the audience know the city/region where you live, please include that, too.

I “label” myself as Traditional Egalitarian. I tend to affiliate within the Conservative movement, but prefer to use "Traditional Egal" as my label more than one movement’s name. I live an area where most of my friends prefer to label themselves based on how they align versus a particular movement.

To me, traditional egalitarian means that I follow numerous Torah laws (kashrut, I am shomer Shabbat [guard Shabbat -- no tv, computer, use of money, etc]), but I also live in the modern world and believe that women can have an equal role in Judaism. So I wear a tallit at shul (services) and read Torah on a regular basis and think women can be rabbis, however I do not put on tefillin or wear a kippah daily like some women in my circle.

One reason I love my community of friends is that we each have our own way of affiliating and each have our own set of practices, but we really respect that and make each other comfortable.

2. I say modesty or tzniut … what does that mean to you? 

To me, tzniut means presenting oneself in a way that shows respect to yourself and others. This doesn’t just mean in how you dress, but how you speak and act and go about your life is also folded into tzniut.

3. Growing up, did your mother or grandmother (or any other female role models in your life) dress modestly in any way? Do you think modesty was something instilled in you by your family? Did you dress modestly growing up? 

I grew up with a mother who expected that we dress in a way that showed respect to our bodies and community. My mom and Bubbe wore pants/shorts/short sleeves/bathing suits. But as my mom would say, “It’s not how long your wear it, it’s how you wear it long.” So while some may say we did not dress modestly, for wearing pants/shorts/short sleeves, I do think we were modest dressers: no showing our stomachs, no short shorts, no super tight clothes, no low neck lines.

My mom also taught me context for how you dress. I once asked why I could wear a tankini at the pool, which showed my stomach, but if my shirt rode up reaching for something she would tell me I needed to pull it down, her response: “The beach is a place where it’s normal for that, you don’t show your midriff in the cereal aisle." There was many a disagreement in dressing rooms and if I bent over, even at home, and some skin showed from my shirt riding up I was told, “Shirt down, pants up!”

Sure, I rolled my eyes, but my mom taught me to respect myself in how I dress and that has for sure carried over into my adult life.

4. Are you married? How does your spouse feel about your choices for modest dress? Is it a dialogue or does your partner leave the mitzvah to you? 

I am not married, but when I look for a partner, I am looking for someone who respects how I define modesty and who also shows a sense of modesty for himself and for me.

5. What do you wear on a typical day? On Shabbat? If you dress differently on weekdays and Shabbat, why do you make this distinction and how? 

I teach at a modern Orthodox school, where all girls and women are required to wear knee-length (or longer) skirts and dresses. Having grown up going to a school that also required such dress, this is not hard to follow and it’s quite normal to put a skirt on each day. So, Monday through Friday, I wear skirts (and in winter I layer with leggings to keep warm); I love the knit skirts from Old Navy or the Gap since they make it easy to sit on the floor with my students. We can wear short sleeves shirts, and I tend to layer a tank top under skirts to keep my neck/chest line modest (my personal choice vs school dress code).

For Shabbat, when I go to shul, I have different skirts and tops. These are fancier and make me feel different from my weekly wardrobe and allow me to show kavod (honor) to Shabbat. Some of my shul skirts may fall above my knee. For me, I don’t see this as immodest, as it’s how I wear it (mind you it’s an inch above my knee), and I still feel respectable and appropriate. Sometimes I wear a nice dress to shul, since I don’t wear them to teach. For Shabbat, my goal is to dress up more then Monday to Friday so show the importance of the special day.

On non-school days and non-shul days, I do wear jeans when out and about. I do not feel comfortable in skinny jeans, since they are too form fitting. Often I am home on the couch in yoga pants or the like. I never leave the house (aside for the gym) in yoga pants, as I do not feel modest in such tight clothes (I am ok with it at the gym, since it’s the proper place for that attire). I live in the community in which my school is located and do see students sometimes. I am ok with them seeing me in jeans, since many of my girls and their moms also wear pants (it’s a modern Orthodox community).

6. What do you think other people (Jewish and non-Jewish) infer from your clothing and hair covering choices? Has anyone ever said anything to you outright that expresses a judgment based on your appearance? (Ex: “You don’t cover your hair or wear skirts, so why do you keep kosher?”)

When I am out and about after work, people in my area may infer I am Orthodox (skirt with leggings in a frigid Northeast winter usually is a sign of being observant Jewishly). On a weekend when I go out in jeans, I just blend into the crowd. And blending in, to me, means I am being modest, by not drawing attention to myself. If I run into the kosher market to get some meat or a kosher restaurant for a bite with friends, I am ok in pants since there are so many types of Jews in Boston and some women wear pants but still keep kosher, etc.

7. Have you ever surprised someone by dressing more or less modestly and making them rethink their stereotypes about what it means to be an observant Jew? 

I don’t think so. At least not in a way that I have ever noticed.

8. When you see someone who observes tzniut differently than you, what are your initial thoughts? How do you deal with them? Is there any particular aspect of tzniut that you see other people observing or practicing that you struggle with? 

I was raised in a house that did teach me to accept everyone and their practices and not judge one person because they do something differently then me. I think the beauty of modern Judaism is that there are so many ways for people to observe the laws in ways that keep them engaged. Granted, I personally cannot imagine covering my arms down to my wrists all the time, or only wearing floor length skirts, or even covering my hair when I get married. But, that is how some people feel close to Hashem and I respect their choices to do so just as I hope the respect my level of tzniut as it is how I feel close to Hashem.

The Tzniut Project 2.0: Modesty Isn't a Physical Checklist

YES! It feels so good to be back in the swing of things with The Tzniut Project.

Big shocker here: The first installment of The Tzniut Project 2.0 comes from a man, and a Chassidic man living in Israel, no less. I've had gobs of inquiries and sent out the questions to many, so stay tuned for this exciting, fun, insightful series redux.

This is the first in the Men's Edition of a multi-part series called The Tzniut Project 2.0. For the Men's Edition, men from a variety of backgrounds with a variety of observances have volunteered to anonymously answer questions that I have written about their practices, people's assumptions, and more. In this particular post, I have tried to clarify Yiddish terminology and otherwise uncommon words through parenthetical statements and translations to the best of my ability to make the post accessible to individuals of every level of understanding and observance. Enjoy!

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1. How do you affiliate Jewishly? 
Both my wife and I come from non-religious homes and today associate with the "Chassidic world" in Eretz Yisrael. We have a rebbe (teacher/mentor) and [follow] Chassidus, and we chose to send our children to Yiddish-speaking Chassidic schools. Our outlook and the Rabbonim (rabbis) from whom we learn and take our advice are Charedi (often translated as "ultra Orthodox" externally).

2. I say modesty or tzniut (also written tznius) … what does that mean to you? Do you think tzniut is a concept that is largely geared toward women?

Tznius is a requirement of Hakodesh Boruch Hu (G-d) for Klal (all of the nation of) Yisrael, both male and female equally. The concept of modesty has, of course, both internal and external aspects, yet it is only when the external are a manifestation of the deeply rooted internal understanding and acceptance of tznius that we truly serve HaShem through our modesty.

The Jewish people have a covenant with the Creator of the world. Our holiness and our greatness is guarded by furthering our understanding of HaShem and His Oneness. When we understand that HaShem rules over the world and there is no thought or action that He does not see, we understand that we must conduct ourselves according to His Torah and Will. However, when we understand the oneness of HaShem, and that every moment and every second of the day is an intimate experience of Him and a furthering of our relationship with him, then we understand how our thoughts, words and action impact this reality and this relationship.

Not one thought escapes HaShem; we are always bound up with him and always with Him — whether walking in the market or sitting in the shul. Walking to Shabbos services is as much an a avodah (task or activity) as participating in them because we are never seperate from HaShem.

Therefore, we see that every moment is special and our modesty is not limited to a physical checklist of elbows, knees, and what-have-you.

Modesty requires us to guard our thoughts from lewdness, to guard our eyes from immodesty, not to listen to foul language or lewd jokes — to be a holy and sacred nation unto HaShem Yisborach (may He be blessed).

[Blogger's Note: This is from this week's Torah portion, Yitro! How appropriate, albeit a few days after the fact.]

Not only that but when we consider the oneness of G-d and His constant involvement in the world, which he granted us, as a corridor to the next world, we begin to realise that our time is not our time, our thoughts are not our thoughts, our outfit is not our outfit — it is all granted to us, only to enable us to make the right decisions to come closer to G-d in this world and earn a place in the world to come.

3. Growing up, did your father or grandfather (or any other male role models in your life) dress modestly in any way? Do you think modesty was something instilled in you by your family?
I couldn't have lived in a less modest environment. My family were not actively immodest, yet secular society puts very little empthasis on the values of modesty and thus while people aren't actively pursuing immorality/immodest, it is all mixed in with daily life.

A friend down the street from us had an aunt who was a nun, she went with the whole levush (in Yiddish this refers to regimented dress) and none of us could get our head around such a young woman giving up everything for G-d and wearing such a funny outfit ... l'havdil (this word is about making a distinction), fast forward ten years [to us]!

4. Are you married? How does your spouse feel about your choices for modest dress? Is it a dialogue or does your partner leave the mitzvah to you?
My wife and I are both dedicated to upholding the Torah requirements of modesty in every way we can. If we ever come to a place of disagreement, we let the Rov (rabbi) be the final say — this can come about in how we dress the kids, for example. We both want emes (truth) — whatever the emes is, one of us will step down if we were mistaken.

5. What do you wear on a typical day? On Shabbat? If you dress differently on weekdays and Shabbat, why do you make this distinction and how?
I wear normal chassidic dress of a long black coat and hat. This in itself is an act of modesty that we all blend together, not one of us needing to stand out — becoming consumed in the oneness of HaShem. That doesn't mean we don't have individuality. Anyone that has experienced a frum (religious) community knows there is more personality there than anywhere else on earth, but the need to stand out is erased, and we blend in together, bustling along to serve HaShem day in and day out.

On Shabbos I wear a bekishe (long coat) and shtreimel (a special fur hat) l'kavod Shabbos (to honor Shabbat). 

My wife does not wear a sheitel (wig) and covers all of her hair either with turbans, snoods, or tichel (scarf, also called a mitpacha in Hebrew) depending on the occasion. My wife took on herself to wear tights with a minimum of 70 deniar (this refers to the thickness of the yarn/weave) that are not skin colored. These are common things in the charedi world, and she doesn't stand out from the norm.

6. What do you think other people (Jewish and non-Jewish) infer from your clothing and hair covering choices? Has anyone ever said anything to you outright that expresses a judgement based on your appearance? (Ex: “You wear a kippah, so you must be x, y, z.”)
We for sure get pigeonholed outside of the charedi world. One bonus of the beard and getup is that people often assume I don't speak English, so more often that not I get to hear what people really think of me in public (haha).

The truth is I don't wear anything to distinguish me to one group or another, and thus I get the charedi label.

More often that not we hear non-charedi chevreh (people) in the queue behind us ask such things as, "Do you think she shaves her head?" or "Isn't he HOT in that coat," in which case I normally turn around and ask for the time in a beautiful British accent, to ensure they don't stray into questions that could cause them embarrassment when one of us later answers the phone in English.

7. Have you ever surprised someone by dressing more or less modestly and making them rethink their stereotypes about what it means to be an observant Jew?

I think continuity is the key — one needs to make a true assessment as to what they believe is ratzon HaShem (the will of G-d) and then do that, even with great mesirus nefesh (self sacrifice) if necessary. For this reason I don't fluctuate up or down much.

8. When you see someone who observes tzniut differently than you, what are your initial thoughts? How do you deal with them? Is there any particular aspect of tzniut that you see other people observing or practicing that you struggle with?
Life is a journey, and the journey is a relationship with HaShem — if I know the person is actively having a relationship with HaShem, even though they may currently not be doing His ratzon (will) — I don't know their journey, I don't know their tests and problems in life. For this reason I try and stay away from judgement. However for my own observance of tznius, I also try and stay away from areas where I know there will be a lack of tznius.

Once by the kosel (Western Wall), my wife saw a Jewish woman arrive on Shabbos night, very "under dressed" (to say the least), carrying her iPhone and a pad of paper with a pen. She ripped off a piece of paper, wrote a kvittle (prayer), and stuck it in the wall (how many issurim [prohibitions] right there?!?) and then continued to daven (pray) with all her heart. 

Now it's easy to judge her — issur after issur (prohibition after prohibition). But it's also possible to see a Yiddisher neshama (Jewish soul) who gave up her Friday night to pray to G-d. We don't know what she has been through, what family HaShem had her born to, her Jewish education, etc. But we can see she gave up the Friday night bar for G-d. This is a relationship with HaShem. May it grow until she brings herself within side His ratzon (will).

9. Please include any additional details or thoughts you have here.
I truly believe that a thorough understanding of all the hashkofa and halochas of tznius (outlook and laws of modesty) are necessary for every man and woman. Then, one must spend significant time internalising them and turning them into a relationship with G-d.

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The author of this post included some suggested reading (in English) for people that he believes is insightful and beneficial. Please note that I haven't personally read any of these books and thus do not endorse them, but from the looks of things they all can provide guidance, inspiration, and lessons on tzanua. 

• Recommended reading for everyone: Pirkei Machshavah: Thoughts for a Jewish Heart
• Recommended reading for men: The Garden of Purity (For Men Only)
• Recommended reading for women: Nefesh Chaya: The Unique Avodas HaShem of the Jewish Woman
• The author of this post also suggests Modesty: An Adornment for Life Day by Day and says that "this book must be learnt with your own local Rov (rabbi) to understand how to implement that which is relevant to you. It musn't be disqualifed as too frum (religious), chas v'shalom (G-d forbid), but not every person in every community, at every stage in life/Jewishness should try to do everything at once in this book.

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Stay tuned for the next installment of The Tzniut Project 2.0. If you want to participate, just send me an email at kvetching dot editor at gmail dot com. If you have questions for the blog author, please post them in the comments section or email me them if you'd rather function on a private plane. 

The Tzniut Project Redux?

While struggling with hair covering these days (hold on, I'm covering my hair, I just struggle with scarf versus wig), I started wondering whether it might be worth reviving The Tzniut Project. It was immensely successful when I originally ran the project, and I'd love to hear more from my readers and see if anything has changed over the past few years when it comes to modesty and how people are using and understanding the concept. 

What was The Tzniut Project? Basically people would email me and I'd send them a list of about 10 questions to answer at their leisure and I'd post their comments anonymously. The demographics were broad, and I even had a few men participate, which was fascinating. Ultimately I was surprised at how much our conceptions of modesty really scratch the surface and how "shallow" we approach the practice.

Interested? Let me know if you think I should bring it back and whether you'd be interested in participating by clicking here.

Also, I'd love to hop back into a fun and exciting feature that once ran the airwaves on this blog (and got kind of ugly): 

Also: Stay tuned here to the blog for THREE exciting reviews and giveaways in preparation of Purim and Passover (everyone needs new, pretty things, right?). 

A Kosher Casual Review: Getting Comfy in a Raglan Top

I've been watching Kosher Casual for many years as they grew and expanded, and I was elated when I actually got to go to their store in Bet Shemesh. 

Kosher Casual seems to be the only shell purveyor that has the crop-top, sleeveless shell with a high-enough neckline. I attempted to pick some up from Halftee.com, but, unfortunately, the neckline just drops and drops throughout the day. So I'm experienced with Kosher Casual's shells, but I haven't really ventured into their clothing line, mostly because of my, let's say, physique. 

It's no secret that I'm a bit on the curvy side, and a lot of modest clothing websites don't cater to anything close to my size. I rely on stores like Old Navy, Target, Ross, and TJ Maxx for tops, not to mention Lane Bryant (when I feel like going broke) and Lands End for skirts and other accoutrements.

When I was approached by the kind folks at Kosher Casual to pursue their new, sleek (no seriously, and it's not just because the homepage graphic features my purple IKEA couch) website and see if there's anything that fits the bill for review, I was hesitant. 

I immediately looked for a Plus Size section, then looked over the size charts. Nothing from the waist down was meant for me at Kosher Casual, which makes me sad. The amount of times I've gone into an Isreali skirt shop and struggled to find a skirt in my size (because the shop owners like to peg your size, and let's just say everyone thinks I'm smaller than I am) is depressing. Unfortunately, Kosher Casual still isn't on the plus-size skirt game, which has huge huge huge opportunity in Israel. 

I moved on to the tops, knowing that I can wear their shells, and opted for the Loose-Fitting Raglan Shirt with a 3/4-Length Sleeve in Dark Purple. Then poof the shirt showed up at my apartment and I have to say, I love it, with the exception of the seams. 

The shirt has a sort of baseball t-shirt look, and because it's all one color it means that it looks a little strange, meaning I wouldn't wear this purple shirt without something over it like a cardigan or jacket. Okay, now that I'm writing it and thinking about it, I'll probably wear this shirt without a cardigan in the dead of summer and it'll be super, crazy comfortable, not to mention airy. 

It's incredibly comfortable (am I wearing a shirt?), and the fabric is very forgiving. The color, too, is beautiful. I might just have to order every color, because the neck is the right amount of modest and the sleeves hit in the perfect spot and are not binding, either. 

Although there isn't much in the way of plus size fashion at Kosher Casual, they have some essentials that are simply perfect, and basics can go a very, very long way when it comes to modest fashion. The company is owned and managed by an American immigrant to Israel, Gary Swickley, and I can't say enough about a company that is committed to its production staying in Israel. When you can, support Israeli companies, people!

If you want to enjoy some of the casual and comfy fashion from Kosher Casual, enter their bi-monthly raffle to win a $50 Kosher Casual gift certificate! The next drawing will be on January 31, 2015. 

Note: I wanted to post pictures of myself in this shirt, and I will, but since we've both been sick all week, the shirt got used as a kleenex by my 1 year old. TMI? :)

A HydroChic Swimsuit Review

A note about this video: Only one actual photo got taken, as the storm blew in and we blew out (of the pool, that is). And with that, on with the show!

 

Have you tried out HydroChic or another modest swimwear collection? I'd love to hear your thoughts!

Good news! Use coupon SUMMER14 to get 15% off any non-sale items.

Toes Out of Shoes in Ramat Beit Shemesh

The culprit.

We haven't spent many Shabbatot outside of Neve Daniel since Ash was born, which means my consideration for the diversity of communities and their expectations is a "head in the clouds" kind of situation. When friends invited us to Ramat Beit Shemesh for Shabbat, I'd forgotten that there's just a certain way things are done in those parts. 

Yes, Mr. T packed his suit because colorful shirts and Chuck Taylors just don't fly, but I didn't think twice about packing my open-toed shoes because the weather was toasty and warm and my feet are my traveling air conditioning units. 

So after the gents went to synagogue, Ash and I went for a little walk up and down the road in an (futile) attempt to get him to rest after a few days off schedule thanks to movers coming and packing up our apartment (it takes 6-8 weeks for stuff to transit to the U.S.). 

As we walked near the park, I noticed little girls staring at me funny. Yes, I was wearing a tichel (head scarf) in a very wig and snood heavy area, but it wasn't completely abnormal for Ramat Beit Shemesh. I considered my outfit as we did another round, and despite my long black skirt and simple blue top with a black cardigan over it, one girl made it painfully obvious what was resulting in the funny looks. 

Open-toed shoes. 

Yes, I was exposing my toes. What's more, I was exposing toes without any kind of pantyhose or tights (which, let's be honest, would have masked my naked toes anyway). 

Naked toes! May HaShem strike me down. 

Truth be told, they don't know any better. They're told not to wear open-toed shoes, so seeing someone with them must be like someone walking down the street in a burqa, I guess. They can't help but stare. 

I'd forgotten that there are places like this. They didn't throw rocks at me or say anything rude to me (that I heard anyway). They didn't go to my  hosts and demand they never invite me again. But when we're back over Passover, I'll remember to pack the black shoes and maybe, just maybe, some stockings. 

Note: The most beautiful thing about RBS is the sound of singing, children running around through the streets without a care in the world, families gathering and moving about at a slow and comfortable pace. Sometimes I'd like to take the people from my community and embed them there, mix it up, and see what kind of community I get. I think it might be the perfect community -- for me anyway. 

Make Me Modest: Tips for Your Wardrobe

I realized something funny recently while interviewing for jobs. I dress the way I think that the interviewee will perceive me. Getting all up in my head much?

I interviewed with a few individuals in a more "frum" atmosphere and made sure to wear a longer skirt and more reserved colors while when going to more startup-style offices I dabbled in more bold color combinations and varied fabric choices. I made sure my mitpacha (head scarf) was a bit more wild in color at the startups and a bit more tame at the other offices. I wore my high-wedge sandals to the startup offices, but flats to the other interviews. Without a doubt, I was almost always the most "dressed up" person in all of the startup offices because, well, much to my husband's dismay, this isn't a suit-and-tie culture in the workplace. It's a quirky shirt, jeans, and sandals that come off the moment you sit down in your work chair kind of place. (Which I just squeeeee at!)

On a daily basis, I don't dwell much on what I'm wearing, mostly because it's Israel and there are as many different ways to dress here as there are Jews. I'm never really concerned about looking too religious or not religious enough; I just wear what I wear. In that way, then, Israel is a bit more freeing when it comes to clothing and tzniut (modesty).

On that note, I recently got a question from a reader that I thought might be perfect for answering in this post. She asks,

My question is if you have advice on how to "tzniusify" a normal, secular wardrobe. Any tips and tricks for people who are transitioning to a more modest style of clothing? I'd appreciate any advice, especially for cold climates as well (sorry to remind of cold in this heat). Oh, and I'd also love to get some tips on head covering. What are your favourites? What accessories and helpers do you use?

The amazing thing about making your normal wardrobe more modest is that it's easier than ever since the kosher clothing community has made some pretty cool advances in making it easier to shop in the "real world" and still be modest as we understand the term.

In short, in the religious Jewish world, tzniut is considering how you dress, carry yourself, and the words you use as if HaShem were always with you (and, really, HaShem is always with you): 

Do justly, love mercy, and walk modestly with your God (Micah 6:8)

Most religious Jews accomplish this by covering the knees, the elbows, and the collarbone --  not in a stifling way, but in a "hey, the stuff I'm covering is special and between me, HaShem, and my partner (if I have one)!" I will mention that there are lots of variations here in Israel, including some women who wear "Hammer" or Harem pants and short-sleeve shirts. The pants, to me, seem less airy and more diaper-like than wearing a skirt. There are also women who won't wear open-toed shoes, always wearing stockings or hose, and don't show a lick of skin besides from that on the hands and face. Call me crazy, but in Israel, that's a huge no-go for me. 

The nice thing about colder climates is that layering is always in, meaning it's actually easier to be modestly dressed. Using cardigans and layering really give you endless opportunities for modest attire. But to transition some of your non-modest clothing over, there are plenty of options.

This is a tank top I purchased at TJ Maxx
with a black 3/4-length shell.

Plenty of companies sell shells, which allow you to turn tank tops, short-sleeve shirts, v-necks and beautiful summer dresses into something more modest. My favorites are Kosher Casual and Halftees, the latter which makes its shells in a more forgiving fabric that is cooler in the summer, not to mention that they are versatile in that they're reversible for different depths in the front. I find Kosher Casual's fabric to be a little stifling in the summertime, but in the winter the higher neck keeps me warm! Kosher Casual also sells a cool bolero-style shell that is nice underneath T-shirts. Halftees offers quite a few different options, including 3/4-length, "boyfriend"-style, tank top-style and cap-sleeve halftees, and Kosher Casual offers up 3/4 length and tank-style. (Note: I exclusively buy the "crop" style, simply because I find the extra fabric of regular shells overwhelming.)

On that note, if you're not quite as svelte as me, there are lots of options for skirt extenders and other nifty and sneaky modesty helpers, like the Layering Dress and Skirt Extenders. There's also the SuperSlip Skirt Extender by Shell Sheli, which Redefining Rebbetzin reviewed last year. If you're tall, sometimes these things are just convenient, rather than exclusively made for modesty. I'll admit that I don't usually need the skirt extenders, mostly because even the average skirt tends to be long on me because I'm not that tall (around 5'4.5"). I like to stock my wardrobe with lots of cotton foldover skirts, mostly because they're comfortable, airy, and go with just about anything. 

This is a sleeveless shirt I purchased at Target.
It would be quite revealing without a shell underneath. 

The only difficult thing to transition from not-modest to modest these days is the swimsuit. Unfortunately, there just isn't a way to make that super cute bikini fit the modest model. That being said, there are a half-dozen companies that have come out with some pretty amazing alternatives that, I'll be completely honest, I'd probably rather wear even if I weren't a religious Jew. They're stylish and cover up all the areas that make us ladies a bit skittish about going to the pool. I own a suit by HydroChic that I recently wore to a very chiloni (secular) pool and shockingly, I didn't get too many wacky looks, despite being the only woman over several days wearing such a getup. 

It's like I'm glowing!!

As for head covering, that's a whole other post on its own! Let me work something up and maybe make a quick video with a few different ways I wear mine. Stay tuned (and keep me honest by nudging me if I don't post anything soon). 

If you have questions, Ask Chaviva Anything! is dead, but you can still email your questions in to kvetching dot editor at gmail dot com. 

Ask Chaviva Anything: The Hater Edition

We all have them. We all try to ignore them. But sometimes, I like to drag the haters out into the public eye and maybe let them see how ridiculous their questions and proddings are. Why? Because what we see and detest in others is that which we see and detest in ourselves. It's about coping with those things, not deflecting them onto others.

Question Number One:

I'm rather confused by the contradictory nature of your adherence to tznius. You dress very modestly and yet you talk quite freely about matters which are rather intimate and inappropriate for the public sphere. Just today you posted about vibrators on your facebook page - isn't it a bit contradictory to be modest in dress and yet not in behavior?

Okay, what you're confused about is what tzanua is. Above all, I frequently remind people about the many layers of tzanua, because as I discovered when I did The Tzniut Project a few years back, many people see tzanua as a very shallow thing -- cover the elbows, cover the knees -- when it's about so much more. It's speech, actions, how you carry yourself, the company you keep, the way you eat, the way you sit, everything.

So I'd like to know what -- other than my Facebook post at my utter shock at the ease in which people can purchase vibrators in the UK and why they're located in something as benign as the Bandaid asile -- is "intimate and inappropriate" that I post about here on my blog or even on Facebook. I'd really love to know. Give me some examples. Oh pretty please!

For those of you curious about the utter scandal to which this questioner refers, this was the Facebook post:

 Now for Question Number Two, which is actually more of a statement.

"I feel so antisocial. On my computer. While the family observes #chag. D'oh." Are you FOR REAL??? I give your marriage about six months ... 

Oh haters. Oh haters! The quote the person refers to is from Twitter. You see, this year, because we were in the UK for Pesach, things were kind of messy. Me, a new olah to Israel, and Mr. T, holding to the traditions and rulings of the Chacham Tzvi (when in Rome, do as the Romans do), had to figure out our situation delicately. Traditionally, those who do not live in Israel celebrate two holiday days at the beginning and end of Passover -- those are days that are very Shabbat-like in restrictions, but you can cook and there are other leniencies. Those inside Israel only have one day at either end of Passover.

After speaking with a rabbi, it was decided that I only had to hold to one day, while Mr. T had to hold to two days. The result was that I was sitting in the bedroom doing work (because, well, work called, and I was observing one day) while the family was sitting in the living room reading or conversing about odds and ends. I felt bad about it, and Mr. T and I discussed how strange it was to be on two different time tables. Hopefully, next year, we'll be on the same schedule and all will be right in the world.

As for your bets on my marriage, I hope someone actually took that bet. And bet you a lot of money, because this marriage is pretty amazing. But I have nothing to prove to you. We'll talk again in six months, mmk?

Peace to the haters!

#ChabadLife

Okay, I really really hope the person who created and has been updating this Tumblr continues to do so because, well, this is one of the few things I've come across that has had me laughing out loud. Really, really loud. Bravo!

Here's a screen cap of one of my favorites (except on the actual site, it's all animated gifs!).

The Motzei Shabbos Special

In order to keep myself honest and my blog consistent, I've decided to start a few traditions. Yes, I know what you're thinking: You've done that before! You've failed! And that's true, but I like making lists, and people like being exposed to awesome new things, so this is going to be The Motzei Shabbos Special. More than likely, this list is compiled on Friday, but it's possible that I get lazy and don't write it up until Saturday night. With that, I give you the inaugural Motzei Shabbos Special.

My Newest Obsession 
Without cable, and "borrowing" internet from my elderly neighbor, I have quickly become obsessed with Game of Thrones. Not for the weak of stomach of modest of eyes, mind you. But it does make me reminiscent of the much more tame days of Hercules and Xena: Warrior Princess.

The Bibliophile
Every few weeks, I spend some time in a bookstore ooing and awing over all the books I want to read. This time around, It's the illustrious Augusten Burroughs' This Is How: Proven Aid in Overcoming Shyness, Molestation, Fatness, Spinsterhood, Grief, Disease, Lushery, Decrepitude & More. For Young and Old Alike. Essentially, it's the anti-"Self-Help Book."

For the Conscious Cook
With my adventures in Vegan Cooking, I wouldn't be able to do it without Veganomicon: The Ultimate Vegan Cookbook. Vegan Sloppy Joes? Delicious homemade BBQ sauce? Spaghetti and Bean Balls? Yes. Thank you.

For the Father
Father's Day is coming up, and now that my older brother is also a dad (with two adorable babies Owynn and Oliver), I have to think a lot more about dads. This one is kitschy (as far as I know neither my dad nor my brother are beer drinkers, but ... ): A Beer-Tasting Toolkit, completely with paper bags!

For Dad's Dog
Every daddy's dog needs a stylish collar. How about a bow tie?

Your Daily Halacha Needs

I love this book. LOVE. In fact, I often find myself reading through an entire month on the halachot or laws of onions before realizing that I am about 29 days over my daily limit. 

Made for Modesty

I've been a devotee of Kiki Riki shells for many moons now, but largely because it's been the only option for me. As a busty girl with large arms, I've found it hard to find cotton half-shells that are breathable, nonrestrictive, and comfortable in summer. Enter Half Tee. I'd been hoping to write a much longer review on the Half Tee, but I've put it off too long. I requested the largest size to review, which turns out to be a little too big for me, so I'm going to order a size down. But overall? Love it. The sleeves are so comfortable and not tightly bound, and the fabric is so soft. The Half Tee can be worn two ways, with one side being higher necked than the other. However, I know a lot of y'all out there won't be comfortable with the coverage. For those of you who are, BUY THEM NOW. There's sleeveless, boyfriend length, 3/4-length, turtleneck, and more. (I'll post some pictures of me in the Half Tee once I get a different size.)

A screen-grab from a product review.

Unnecessary, Yet Cool 

This probably takes the cake for the most ridiculous unnecessary kit, but being able to plug your iPad into a classic typewriter? Amazing. 

Manage a Subscription
I have several magazine subscriptions that I couldn't live without, and this is one of them. I know, aren't I all high tech and paperless? Well folks, there's only one thing to do on Shabbos other than sleep and eat and spend time with loved ones, and that's READ! VegNews -- serving up the latest in meat-free news, food, travel, politics, and buzz -- is probably one of the few magazines that I read quite literally from cover to cover.

Speak Now
One of my coworkers produced this nifty speaker from her bag several weeks ago to pop into her computer's USB slot, and although it's a little out of my price range, this iPhone Bullhorn Speaker really has me jonesing at a mere $10.

For After the Wedding
I got married two years ago, and around this time two years ago I was in my sheva brachot (the week of celebration after you get hitched), and I was already on my way to giving my wedding dress to a gemach (that person who collects stuff that other people can't afford so they can rent it out). Although I opted for no bridesmaids, I can't imagine what one would do post-wedding with their dresses. So, I give you, the Recycled Bridesmaid Dress from Uncommon Goods.

Shop for a Cause
While perusing Sugarlicious in Cherry Creek for a classic comfort candy (the Chick-o-Stick) after a really bad day last week, I discovered lots of cute bobbles, buttons, and bracelets. I couldn't help but pick up one of the Pura Vida bracelets -- they're simple, classy, and only $5. The cause? Every bracelet purchased helps provide full time jobs for local artisans in Costa Rica.

Kosher Nosh
I try really hard not to buy anything processed these days, but I've been waiting for what seems like years for Udi's Gluten Free Blueberry Oat Muffin Tops (Case of 6) (the food folks, not the unfortunate style choice). I saw them at Whole Foods and just had to buy them. Thus, I did. Believe it or not, I wasn't disappointed.

Scrub-a-Dub-Dub
I saw a deal on Vegan Cuts a few weeks back and was tempted to purchase, but I wanted to make sure the product wasn't going to rip my delicate skin apart. You see, often facial scrubs are just bad news for my sensitive skin, so when I saw the Sprout Exfoliant, I contacted their help desk and asked if they could send me a sample to make sure the investment was worth it. They complied, I got the scrub, and I love it. It comes as a powder, you mix with a bit of water, and bam. Face scrub. The Brooklyn-based store makes everything in small batches for small bottles, so what you get is made with care -- very carefully.

Clothing that Counts
Yes, it might be $30, but come on ... look at it. A shirt made from 100% recycled goods? Maybe I've become too Boulder for my own good (I do own the "Only Kale Can Save Us Now" shirt), but I love this one. Eat Like You Give a Damn from Herbivore Clothing. If you think about it, it's the Jewish way.

Kitchen Bobbles
You love tea, you love robots, you love this Robot Tea Infuser because he crawls into your mug and steeps your tea for you. Never let go!

A Simple Arrangement
A sucker for all things that Very Jane sends out, this simple $5 offering offers a rustic means to arranging your favorite flowers. (Seriously, who thinks of these things!? I wish I were this creative.)

Bag It
I'm not a purse collector, although I have many friends who are. I view purses more for utility than style. But as I go the Vegan way, I've realized that leather is such a no-no, so I'm fully entrenched in the vegan leather way. Enter the Laguna Bag from Namaste Inc. Drool. At $65, you can't complain. But I'll do it anyway!

Guiltless Pudding
I'm a sucker for sweets, but I've never been a fan of pudding. Something about the texture makes me want to gag. But I decided to be adventurous and give Chocolate Chia Pudding a try because the ingredients were simple and the recipe called for an nutritionally action-packed seed. The result? Heaven.

• Ingredients
• 3 cups dark chocolate almond milk
• 1/2 cup chia seeds
• 1 tsp organic vanilla
• 2 Tbls agave

• Instructions
• Mix the first three together and chill in fridge 1 hour, then add the agave and mix well. Divide into six bowls and top with berry of your choice).

VOILA!

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Websites from which you should be getting updates:

• VeganCuts.com || Vegan Cuts is run by a vegan couple, John and Jill, who really want to see more people shopping with vegan ethics. A commitment to buying vegan food is a great start, but you can also make a positive difference by choosing vegan options when purchasing clothing, shoes, accessories, body care products and everyday household items. This is why Vegan Cuts features a range of vegan products and encourages members to shop vegan by promoting opportunities to save money while eschewing animal cruelty.
• VeryJane.com || Provides daily boutique deals from amazing Etsy.com shop owners.

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Note: Unless I mention it, all of the things in this post are things that I find on my own and just want to share with the world. No one's paying me for this (I wish!). 

Parshat Naso: The Origins of Hair Covering

That's me with a tichel, circa this time last year in Jerusalem.

Hello faithful blog readers! I've been meaning to do a video blog for a while, but I just haven't had the time to sit down and do it. Any topics you'd like me to speak frankly on?

Anyhow, I wanted to post really quick about this week's parshah or Torah portion (Naso), because it is within this that we find the beginnings of the laws of hair covering. I've written extensively on it, because I think that it's important that we understand the halachot or laws of hair covering, but also the societal and cultural norms that have painted our colorful history of hair covering. Thus, I give you two blog posts:

• Cover Your Hair: Why? -- This gives the halachot and rabbinic background on the topic.

• Covering Your Hair: Leprous Plague? -- This looks at the cultural context of hair covering and how/when sheitels or wigs came into practice and the various opinions on the tichel (scarf) versus the sheitel, as well as different modern rabbinic takes on hair covering.

Enjoy!

Ask Chaviva Anything!: The Sartorial Stuff

More questions ...

Two sartorial questions: (1) Aside for uncovering your hair, have you changed anything about the way you dress since you got divorced? (2) What do you wear when you exercise? Sorry if this one seems tactless or tone-deaf, but I'm fascinated by the way people who uphold sundry modesty standards deal with dressing for the gym and I remember you had some posts about athletic wear on the old blog.

My dress hasn't really changed since I got divorced. So that's an easy answer. Wait, I take that back. Since I don't live in Teaneck anymore, I'm a lot more chill about my attire. I take a lot more time to feel good about what I'm wearing and to be very relaxed (yet professional) in my clothing choices. Dressing is a lot more fun now, I think.

As for what I wear to work out? Well, I'll probably get a lot of flack for this, but when I work out I wear workout pants and a baggy short-sleeve shirt. When I lived in Teaneck, I wouldn't have dreamed of doing this but as I take my health more seriously, I have to be realistic about working out and being comfortable while doing it. The thing I've realized is that, at the gym, people are too busy focusing on themselves to pay attention to me. If anything, I think the girl who shows up in a full hijab to work out stands out more than I do. So, from a tznius perspective, I'm doing myself a service by not standing out with long sleeves, a skirt with pants under it, etc.

FYI: Find all the goodies from The Tzniut Project here!

The Newest Thing in Tanning?

We call it Tzniut Tan. Yes all of my 3/4-length cardigans are going to give this unique glow.

Ask Chaviva Anything!: Zionism and Non-Orthodox Jews

So many interesting questions keep pouring in, so I'm just going to keep on rolling through them. The variety is amazing, and the thought put into the question is impressive. You guys never cease to amaze me!

What do you think of Zionism? Are you a Zionist?

What do I think of Zionism? Well, I think that it was/is a powerful movement that was/is necessary for the establishment/maintenance of the State of Israel. Zionism itself was always a political movement meant to secure a national homeland for Jews of all stripes, and that homeland happens to be the biblical and modern Israel. So I think it's awesome, necessary, and without it, I think there would be fewer self-identified Jews in the world because there wouldn't be something binding us all in a physical manner.

As for whether I'm a Zionist, that's a good question, and the answer is yes. I think that a lot of the original understandings of Zionism and the reasoning and necessity for a Jewish homeland have been lost throughout the years, and sometimes I wonder if we're in a post-Zionist world, but then I'm reminded daily of the hatred of Jews that still exists and how important a homeland truly is. I do, however, think that sometimes the terminology is abused in order to validate actions by both Jews and the government of Israel.

What's you're beef with non Orthodox Jews?

My beef? I wasn't aware that I had a beef with non-Orthodox Jews. After all, more of this blog's history is probably devoted to me as a non-Orthodox Jew than an Orthodox Jew. My stance has always been that everyone's on a journey and everyone needs to travel at their own pace. As long as it's up, we're all in a good place. If you want to clarify, add a comment or re-ask your question, and feel free to cite specific instances that gave you the impression I wasn't down with my non-Orthodox folks.

What is your definition of Tzniut?

I hate to simply copy and paste, but I wrote back in my response to The Tzniut Project the following. (Also, you can read more about my take on tzniut here.)

For me, the first thing I think of is, "Where does it come from? What does it mean? Why do we do it?" I suppose it's only natural that I'm plagued with questions from square one. It's easy for me to explain to people why we cover our hair (the sotah portion) and why we cover as much or as little as we do. But when it comes to clothing and speech and thought, it's a lot harder. As many others have said, it's a type of lifestyle, but lifestyle sounds too much like choice to me, and for me, yes I choose to do it, but the outline of what's to be done is less of a choice. Tzniut means more than modesty, it means living your life in a way that others wish to emulate. Making your modest clothes look beautiful, to emanate inner beauty, to carry yourself in thought and speech in a way that others say "Wow, if that's what tzniut is, then count me in." It's being a light, really, unto all people. It's being humbled before haShem and all that's been provided us.

From Micah 6:8:

הגיד לך אדם מה טוב ומה יי דורש ממך כי אם עשות משפט ואהבת חסד והצנע לכת עם יי 

HaShem told you what is good and what is required of you: do justly, love mercy (loving-kindness), and walk humbly (modestly) with HaShem.

The word used -- הצנע (ha'tznea) -- is the same word/root for tzniut. So, basically HaShem is saying "Walk this way."