Getting Back to Normal, Whatever That Is

Today I woke up sick. I had a migraine. My stomach felt fully ulcerous. I was exhausted emotionally and physically. I texted my co-volunteers (we're rocking out Stop the Rockets and @StopRockets) and told them I needed to take some time off.

So I took my agalah (that's a cart in Hebrew). I got an espresso, which I chugged, I went to the bank, and then I sat on a bench on Yafo for about 45 minutes, just watching the world pass me by. It was therapeutic, it was peaceful, it was exactly what I needed.

I went to the shuk (where the number of IDF soldiers at the entrances had tripled since yesterday) and picked up oodles of ingredients to make several different delicious things this week, came home, and then met up with a friend and her kids at the park and watched the sun slowly fall behind the buildings as the weather cooled to a brisk chill.

I went home and got to work cooking these delicious Spicy Indo-Chinese Noodles from Vegan News, which also was therapeutic. (And delicious.) (Recipe at the bottom.)

And then? I got back to work, doing what I do best, putting out quality, meaningful, and well-branded content. Facts, not memes. Content, not rhetoric.

My goal for this week is to focus on work, focus on eating healthy (I'm sticking to a strictly veggie diet -- I've been cheating because cheese here is so good, and I really have to stop because I'm feeling the effects), getting plenty of sleep and fluids, and being honest with myself about my limitations.

I can and should say no sometimes. It's hard for me, but I've come too far to let stress, anxiety, and living an unhealthy lifestyle destroy me.

---

Recipe for Spicy Indo-Chinese Noodles Modified from VegNews 

Ingredients
1 8-ounce package of  Vermicelli Rice Noodles, cooked, drained, and rinsed in cold water (these are hard to find kosher in the U.S. and here you can find them EVERYWHERE)
1 Tbls sesame oil
1 Tbls olive oil
1 small yellow onion, sliced thin
4 cups shredded cabbage (I did this the old fashioned way, but feel free to buy pre-shredded)
2 small green bell peppers, cut into thin strips
3 garlic cloves, minced
1 tsp agave
1/4 tsp salt
1/4 tsp freshly ground black pepper
1 tsp red pepper flakes (because I like it hot)
1/4 cup gluten-free soy sauce (tamari)
1 tsp Sriracha
2 Tbls ketchup
2 Tbls rice vinegar
2 Tbls water
Options: carrots, broccoli, other Asian-y veggies

1. In a large bowl, toss noodles and sesame oil and set aside. 
2. In a large skillet over medium, heat the olive oil and add the onion, cabbage, bell pepper, garlic, and whatever other veggies you have on hand and saute for 3-4 minutes. 
3. Add agave, salt, pepper, and red pepper flakes and saute another 3-5 minutes. 
4. Add cooked noodles, tamari, ketchup, Sriracha, vinegar, and water, and saute for 3-5 minutes more until heated through.
5. Serve hot! (Top it with more Sriracha, if you're like me!)

You Have Entered the Stress Bubble!

I'm fairly close to 1,000 posts (which I'll probably try to hit precisely around my four-year blogiversary in April), I've got about 70 followers through the Blogger follow function, and I receive about 150 visits per day and 200 page views per day. I'm not tooting my own horn, I'm just laying out the statistics here on Just Call Me Chaviva. What does this mean? This means I spend a lot of time blogging, people actually dig what I write, and it provides proof that this blog is sincerely an important part of my everyday life. I often tell people that this blog is my therapy, and it really is. For some people, running or knitting or crocheting help to get the body focused and balanced. Well, for me it's writing. I'm lucky that I have an audience to which I write. So let's talk.

I just finished editing those 80-ish undergraduate exams last night, this morning I finished up the last few bits of editing for a freelance editing project that's been in my lap since around August last year, and now I'm able to really focus on my schoolwork 24/7. I realized that yesterday I was up from about 9 a.m. until 2 a.m., and every waking minute was spent doing SOMETHING. I didn't stop and rest for a single moment. Here's what my day looked like:

• 9 a.m. Woke up, showered, ate, packed up, headed out
• 11 a.m. Hebrew class
• 12 p.m. Spent an hour reading for class, while waiting for class to start
• 1 p.m. Palestine Under Greeks and Romans course
• 2 p.m. Worked for an hour and a half, inventorying old books donated by a recently passed rabbi
• 4:30 p.m. Went back to my dorm, spent about 30-45 minutes working (HARDCORE) to Biggest Loser Bootcamp DVD
• 5:15 p.m. Walked over to grad mailboxes to cool down, checked mail, bought some milk and tea
• 5:45 p.m. Spent the next 6+ hours grading exams (I did break for dinner for about 10 minutes ...)
• 1 a.m. Figured out what I needed to do for Tuesday, packed my bag, cleaned up a bit
• 2 a.m. Went to sleep

So, you know, I'm in constant go-go-go motion. How on EARTH do I have time to blog? I have no idea. I just do it. It's necessary. It's like breathing or eating. Sometimes I have to stop and just do it. It destresses me. So here I am, blogging, about nothing in particular, because once again I'm stressed. Sure, I got exams graded and the editing finished, but now I've got something new that's eating at me: Admissions Responses for my Graduate Applications to NYU and University of Maryland!

At least I know that I won't hear from the Wexner Foundation about my possible Fellowship until the end of March, but knowing when I'll get a "REJECTED" or "ACCEPTED" from these two schools is a little bit out in the ether. I know that NYU is meeting this week to discuss, so that's a little ray of hope. But now I'm thinking,  by this time next week, I could be depressed as all get out. I've wanted to go to NYU since I was in high school. I remember getting the NYU catalog in the mail, sifting through it, dreaming of my life in NYC, living in coffee shops and schlepping dirty city streets. It's always been my dream to live there, before I was Jewish, before I had even visited -- I was going to be a city girl. So even getting the chance to go there, well, that'd be awesome. It'd be a full-circle, life-fulfilled kind of thing. And the program is perfect for what I want to do! Jewish education and Judaic studies. They might as well call it the "Chaviva Edwards Program for Awesomeness in Rocking the Jewish World."

Anyhow, I just want to thank everyone for listening to me kvetch and lament, as well as for listening to me go on about simchas and happy moments in my life. You guys are my family, and I love you for that. The continued support means more than you can possibly understand!

Stay tuned for a future blog post (hopefully) on how becoming more observant has made me more judgmental.

I'll Take the Tanker of Coffee Now, Please

I give you, the tanker truck of coffee, spotted on I-84 near Hartford.

I must apologize to my readers, friends, lurkers, and other blogging types for my lack of presence over the past week, especially when it comes to reading your blogs and responding with appropriately Chaviva-esque comments. What have I been up to? A lot. A whole lot.

Aside from my regular coursework -- which includes (for one class) reading a book or so a week plus various primary sources, in addition to (for a second class) lots of reading and more reading and some more reading of yummy things about the Samaritans and the Ptolemies, and, of course, Hebrew work and general office work of book inventorying -- I've been thrown the setup for our graduate exam, which is in and of itself wretched. Now, being an academic I'm secretly thrilled about the work and reading; I'm merely in shock and distress about the volume of it. Typically, students will receive the corpus of reading in their first semester, not their fourth. So I'm in "holy crap" mode right now. Pardon the ever-present kvetching.

Superbowl

Additionally, Tuvia and I decided it would be a most outstanding idea to invite over a ton of people for a Super Bowl viewing. Last year we had four or five friends over, and it was quiet and cozy and I really didn't pull out all my Jewish mother stops to feed the masses with thirty different types of chips and dips. This year, however, I went all out. After all, we were inviting over upwards of 20 people and expecting at least 14 to 16 to show up. So what did I do? Well, I made a big batch of pasta and threw it into the crock, I made a spicy veggie chili, I made a giant red velvet cupcake with cream cheese frosting with my new cake pan, I made a delicious batch of Chocolate Cheerio Marshmallow Bites, and then we bought a bunch of dips, sliced a bunch of cheese, put out gobs of veggies and fruit, and filled bowls full of a half-dozen varying types of chips. Yes, it was a ROYAL spread, fit for a Superbowl King. It just took a long time to put together and perfect -- I am, after all, a perfectionist OCD-aholic. I'll admit, it was loads of fun. Having all of our closest friends over to partake in food and a good game was honestly one of the best things we've done in a long time. I really felt like it gave us a chance to pay back the community, in the best way we know how, for the kindness they've shown us with food, lodging, and friendship. We seriously have the best friends on the planet.

Wedding Dresses

Oh, and then there was the pre-kickoff wedding dress viewing that actually ate up most of the first two quarters. I didn't realize we were upstairs that long, and the game truly was flying by. But this was the wedding dress that I purchased online. Yes, I bought a wedding dress ONLINE. I never saw it in person, I didn't know it's dimensions exactly, I had no idea how it would look or feel beyond the photo of the girl on the website, who, by the way, was about 50 sizes smaller than me. But I had an instinct. It was the first gown I found online when I started looking, and after perusing many other gowns, I was still stuck on this first one. I emailed my two best buddies up in the Great White North, and they agreed it was stunning. So I bought it. Then it came, about three days later (talk about quick shipping -- most wedding gown sites make you wait upwards of 20-40 days for the dress), and I had approximately three additional days to figure out whether it was right. Yes, the online wedding dress business is cut-throat, and they keep their claws in you as long as they can. So the Superbowl Sunday party was perfect as far as timing goes. We all crawled up the stairs, I stripped, and the dress was on and zipped in seconds. The reaction? Completely positive. And then? The "tuck this here!" and "tuck that there!" comments came. I am lucky to say that I am blessed, absolutely blessed, with seamstress-minded lady friends. These women, after expressing their love of the dress, were all ready to point me in the direction of a seamstress/tailor and get the job done -- there was no way I was returning this gown. I expressed my concerns to them -- Tzniut? Length? Fit? The answers were that the tzniut was perfectly modest, the length could be fixed (the dress was MADE to be tailored like a charm), and the fit was perfect for my figure.

So it's decided. I, Chaviva Edwards, purchased a wedding gown online, from a store out West where nary a Jew probably lives, and I am keeping it with utter and absolute pleasure. Yes, I am an online dress purchasing success story! You, too, can buy a wedding dress online and be satisfied!

My only beef? I returned a slip that I bought but definitely don't need (for poof's sake), and it cost me a whopping $30+ to ship back. Is that worth it? Probably not. I'll get back, in the end, about $30 for my troubles. My advice? Don't buy a slip online until you absolutely know that you'll need it.

So I'm pleased. I had a million friends over, fed them successfully, decided on a dress that I absolutely love, finished a bunch of editing that leaves me with only two more weeks of such editing, and I just submitted an application for a fellowship assuming I get into NYU or UMD for further studies. It has been a truly, truly productive three days. Oh! I also cleaned out my inbox. Thank heavens. I was about to lose my mind.

I guess, my point, then, is that everything is doable. It takes time management, sleeping about four hours a night, and a passion to have things just how you want them right when you want them. I'll take my little successes when I can get them. I couldn't ask for anything more. And when all else fails, there's always that tanker truck of coffee!

(For what it's worth, that tanker truck actually said "PILOT" on the side. It was a clever ploy by the popular roadside gas station chain! From a distance, it looks like it just says "COFFEE." Upclose, however, it mentioned something about them having the best roadside coffee. Clever!)

Roundup: Engagement Ring, Cupcakes, AND MORE!

If I could list for you all of the things I've done this week (let alone today), you'd be mind-blown. Absolutely mind-blown. I've been running on adrenaline since my conversion a week ago today, not to mention since the proposal late Wednesday night this week. There have been dental and physical therapy appointments, learning sessions, bathroom painting (it's BEAUTIFUL, by the way), and more. The stress is coming out my ears already, but luckily I'm rocking a brand-new mouthguard for my at-night grinding issues! Yay! (I have TMJ, as a result of stress, so sometimes, I get all hardcore with my mouth movements at night. Problem: alleviated!)

I was anticipating some naptime today, but no dice. I had to bake a dessert for the big Shabbos potluck tonight, as well as write up a d'var Torah for the dinner, followed by a bit of laundry, some organizing for the wedding already, not to mention, you know, showering and eating and cleaning and putting clothes on. Of course, these latter items were on the bottom of the totem pole and my veggies and chummus are still sitting here beside my computer looking sadly at me in hopes that, you know, maybe I'll eat them. Did I mention breathing? I keep forgetting to do that.

Luckily, I had about two hours of therapy yesterday painting the bathroom green. That's Tuvia's bathroom, mind you. I am really happy with it came out. This therapy included really working my arm muscles and detailing baseboards quietly. There was no music, no TV, no people, nothing. It was really nice, but it was far too short. Luckily, there is more painting to do, so that'll be therapy part two.

Today I baked some cupcakes for the dinner tonight. I was wanting to make something really original and personal, but seeing as I'm short on time and breath and energy, I opted to hit up the grocery store for some cake mix and frosting. Now, the meal is meat tonight (I'm assuming, as they  usually are), so I was at a loss. I wanted to make Red Velvet Cupcakes (my favorite) with Cream Cheese Frosting. However, the latter usually is deliciously dairy. What's a girl to do? I scanned the aisle for about 10 minutes and then spotted the most amazing thing ever. Parve Cream Cheese Frosting, in an easy-to-use can with a head on it for easy application! OMG! Best, find, ever. Go out, buy some, eat it out of the can. Tell me how much you love it!

Just now, in order to write this blog post since so many of you have wanted details, I finished up a d'var Torah on the parshah shemot for tonight's dinner. I don't want to bore my dining companions, so I hope it's not too long. For those of you eager to read it, I've posted it in the right-hand column there for your viewing pleasure! Be sure to let me know what you think.

AHEM. For those of you looking for wedding/proposal details, I've conveniently created one of those awesome TheKnot.com websites, and Tuvia picked up the awesome URL Chaviva-Evan.com. Check out our engagement story and more there!

Lastly, I think, for now, is the engagement ring. I've gotten a lot of requests to post the photo, so here it is. The little beauty. I have to let you guys know -- Tuvia picked this out COMPLETELY on his own. I gave him a half-dozen photos of what I wanted, and he opted to get this one instead. I have to say it's the best decision (after finding me, of course) that he's ever made. It's often known as a past-present-future ring. I love it!

Tinkerbell Pulling her Hair Out! One night only!

I'm not consuming nearly enough coffee to stay afloat. I have completely neglected my fellow Bloggers (247 posts in the Google Reader queue) and what can only be some amazing posts. Between Pesach, the end of the semester, and this talk I'm giving Friday? My head is in explosion mode. I drive myself to the limit, stress myself out, and make things a lot more work than they should be. In the end, I'm always proud and satisfied by my work and effort, but I'm beginning to wonder if the ends justify the means. The anxiety, the stomachaches, the sleeplessness, the tears in front of unsuspecting teachers followed up by more tears in a bathroom stall ... and that's only part of it. As such, I just Google Image searched "pull out hair" and got a lot of hilarious stock photos. But the best of all was this animated gif! Score on tinker bell pulling out the hair in twinkly frustration!

But sunnier things? I just read a boatload of goods on false messianism and the Bar Kochba revolt. Incredibly interesting stuff. I'm going to sit down and read the parshah tonight before bed and look over some of the notes I took a few years ago when I was dutifully reading the parshah each week (oy how times have changed!). I have my first meeting with the rabbi tomorrow since pre-Pesach, and I'm ready to get in there and ask the tough questions! And maybe, you know, feel out when the conversion thing will actually, physically, literally happen.

No pressure, though!

So until the semester is over, until I'm done pulling my hair out, and until the only stress in the foreseeable future is the likely mind-bending Middlebury Language School from July 24-August 14, this is what I'm up to when I don't have a nose in a book.

And maybe, just maybe I'll have time to reflect on Yom HaShoah, the Omer, the meaning of the count, the mourning, where it comes from, why we mourn! And all of that good stuff that I thrive on.

Stressed. Out. Hardcore style.

I'm a walking, talking, fully functioning stress ball. I've been missing a few Friday classes here and there because of logistics and needing to be in West Hartford to meet with the rabbi, and between not having a car and Tuvia having a full-time job, things are complicated. So, being back on campus Sunday afternoon for the first time since Wednesday night, having classes canceled today, and knowing that I won't be here this Friday because of my Chicago adventure ... well ... that's a lot of missed class, a lot of stress-inducing moments of lost instruction.

I'm trying to make a mental list of all the things I need to do before Thursday, when Tuvia and I trek off to Chicago. Spring Break is next week, so the first real week of education I'll have in a long while is in two weeks. Then in a month we have Pesach and, well, my time feels chopped up into tiny little pieces and there just aren't enough of them.

So I have a headache and there's a tiny bump on my chin -- the ultimate sign that Chavi is stressed -- and I'm attempting to stay calm but every few seconds I remember something else I needed to do. Something I promised someone, something I was supposed to send, someone I was suppose to call, an email I was supposed to send, something I should know or study but just can't seem to grasp.

I suppose this is the pre-Spring Sinking that graduate students feel?