Wednesday, June 29, 2011

The Huff Post and Beyond

Dr. Ruth is so tiny! So cute! So ... adorable! 

I am super happy to announce that my first piece for The Huffington Post is live: Jewish Identity (Un)defined at the 2011 Israeli Presidential Conference

In the lineup for the coming week you'll find a Sabra-sponsored kiddush write-up (yes, we invited friends over to celebrate our one-year anniversary and down some dips) and giveaway, as well as a review of the HydroChic line of swimwear.

I'm also working on a video about the nifty mitpachot that I purchased in Israel and how exactly they work.

Stay tuned!

Monday, June 27, 2011

Zip Your Lip, Please

There are a lot of things that I go through In Real Life ("IRL") that I never blog about here. Most of the time, these things will either embarrass me or get me into a lot of trouble with claims of lashon hara and "Is it good for the Jews?" junk. Those things are, usually, the things that I really, really want to write about, because I know we all have those moments where things happen or someone says something and you just have to tell someone, the world even.

For example, something that happened that I'd feel comfortable writing about despite it's assumptions about my character is at the Israeli Presidential Conference when I reached back to grab my chair back and instead grabbed the leg of the man behind the seat. What can I say? I overreached and had an unfortunate encounter that left me red, laughing, snicker to @EstherK and wondering what the shomer negiah me would say. Simple, ridiculous, slip-up.

But then there are places I go and people I meet and things I want to write about but can't. But one thing I've learned during my many treks to many communities in many different parts of the East Coast, it's that people who feel like they know you will say just about anything to you, without any commitment to modesty or, oh, I don't know, civil discourse and restraint.

What I mean by this is ... you know how sometimes you meet someone, and you say something like "Oh, I love blah blah blah" and they respond, "Ohmygosh! Me, too! That's so weird!" and then all of a sudden it's like they know you. Like, they were standing behind you in the water fountain line in second grade and shared your locker with you in middle school and were sitting on AOL the moment you got home from your freshman dance. People who suddenly feel like you're besties, so all restraint flies and anything goes.

Conversations can go anywhere. And I mean anywhere. And if I shared the details of the particular conversation that occurred sometime in the past four months, you guys would be shocked and probably disgusted.

This happens to me more often than I'd like. I appreciate people who want to feel close and intimate with me and Tuvia and our life, but there are times and places. Making pervy jokes? Bashing Orthodox Judaism? Talking about how you don't buy Orthodoxy but love the idea of community and family so you'd never even think of going anywhere else? Sharing innermost thoughts and details about your life? Telling us how you really feel about the community in which you live?

I'm all for honesty, but on first encounter, my advice, to everyone, is to chill the you-know-what out. Restrain yourself. I'd like to know you at least a year before you feel comfortable telling me about your sex life or how much you really hate Orthodox Jews (especially when the person sharing these innermost feelings is, in fact, an Orthodox Jew).


The Tzniut Project 19: Keeping My Thoughts Modest

This is the nineteenth in a multi-part series called The Tzniut Project. Women from a variety of backgrounds with a variety of observances have volunteered to anonymously answer questions that I have written about their practices, people's assumptions, and more. For more information on origins the project, click here. Please continue to check back with The Tzniut Project to read more stories and comment abundantly!

Note: This post is contributed by a reader.




1. How do you affiliate Jewishly? Feel free to elaborate on the words people use to describe you and the words you use to describe yourself.
Most of my family is Conservative and Orthodox, but I was brought up Reform. However, I have been attending Conservative and Orthodox shuls for about three years now, and based on my observance and beliefs, most would probably say I’m Conservadox. I feel like I have all of the major Jewish affiliations somewhere in my beliefs: I love the progressiveness of Reform, the Torah interpretation of Conservative, and the traditions of Orthodox. I’m also very interested in Kabbalah, but I wouldn’t identify myself as Kabbalistic.


2. Growing up, did your mother or grandmother dress modestly in any way? Do you think modesty was something instilled in you by your family? Did you dress modestly growing up?
I suppose I’m still “growing up” -- I’m only 18. My immediate family never put a huge emphasis on modesty for religious purposes. My mother dresses extremely immodest by any standards, especially for her age. I think that has had an influence on me to dress even more modest. I have extended family who dress very traditionally Jewish modest: no pants, hair coverings, no collarbones, etc.

3. Are you married? How does your spouse feel about your choices for modest dress? Is it a dialogue or does your partner leave the mitzvah to you?
I am not married. I plan to cover my hair when I get married. I haven’t been in a relationship where I’ve been pressured to dress more modestly; in fact, it has been quite the opposite!

4. What would you wear on a typical day? On Shabbos? If you dress differently on weekdays and Shabbos, why do you make this distinction and how?
I do not live in a very Jewish area, I actually live in what they call the “Bible Belt” of my state. My shul is an hour-and-a-half away, and although there are many Jewish areas around there, I live in what is essentially a farm town, and I attended a Catholic high school up until recently. This definitely has influenced what I wear day-to-day.

To school, I would usually wear our uniform polos and a knee-length skirt. Where I live it gets extremely cold in the winter, and because we weren’t allowed to wear leggings under our skirts, I’d wear slacks or harem pants in the winter to school. I would wear a cardigan over my polo at school. At home, I usually wear a t-shirt and comfortable (loose-fitting) pants. There are no men present in my household so it gives my mom, sisters and I some more choices. Outside of the home, on weekends, I usually wear dresses (I love them!) that are knee-length and if they aren’t elbow length, I wear a cardigan. In the winter, I wear loose-fitting jeans or harem pants or leggings under my dress/skirt. My job doesn’t allow us to wear skirts or dresses (I work in retail, and our uniform is a certain color top with khaki or black pants), but I can usually get away with harem pants or very loose pants. My employers don’t really understand my modesty beliefs, but I have to put up with it for the time being in order to pay for college next year.

On Shabbos, I definitely love to dress up! I feel since that Shabbos is such a holy day, we should honor it as such. I don’t think it’s vital to dress up for Shabbos, since some people do not have the means to do so, and Shabbos is really all about G-d when it comes down to it. But given the chance, I take it! I usually wear a skirt, a nice blouse and a cardigan. I absolutely love fashion, so putting together a nice outfit for Shabbos is actually one of the highlights of my week! :)

5. What do you think other people infer from your clothing and hair covering choices? Has anyone ever said anything to you outright that expresses a judgment based on your appearance? (Ex: “You don’t cover your hair or wear skirts, so why do you keep kosher?”)
People who don’t know that I’m Jewish have probably given me the most judgment (i.e., “You’re crazy for wearing such long sleeves in the summer!”). Like I said, the area I live in is far from Jewish, but aside from long sleeves and high necklines, I don’t think I stick out too much. My town is very Christian, so most people here dress pretty conservatively anyways. The hardest thing has probably been during summer when I go swimming or tanning with friends. I normally wear a swimdress that exposes zero cleavage and is just about mid-thigh. Since my non-Jewish friends (and even many of my Jewish friends) usually wear skimpy bikinis, I have gotten some weird looks from people. My best friend is a non-Jewish boy, and for the longest time he just didn’t understand why I wouldn’t want to wear jeans, or why I didn’t wear low-cut tops like all of my peers. However, most people that know me, just know that I dress modestly.

6. Have you ever surprised someone by dressing more or less modestly and making them rethink their stereotypes about what it means to be an observant Jew?
My mother does not dress/act tznius in the least, and I think that sometimes I surprise her with the modesty of my own clothing and actions.

7. When you see someone who observes tzniut differently than you, what are your initial thoughts? How do you deal with them?
All people judge. I do my best not to :) Going to a non-Jewish, or even non-secular, high school and having family members who do not dress modestly has made me never really take a second glance at someone dressed immodestly. Of course, when people are baring all with cleavage, midriffs, and legs, don’t we all judge a little? When I see someone that observes tznius more traditionally than I, it inspires me to further my observance and practice of tznius.

8. I say modesty or tzniut … what does that mean to you?
Tzniut is more than just covering your body parts. I practice tzniut in my everyday actions and words. A quote that really helps me remember my tznius values is: “Watch your thoughts, for they become words. Watch your words, for they become actions. Watch your actions, for they become habits. Watch your habits, for they become character. Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.” Long story short, I feel that if I keep my thoughts modest, my character and destiny will keep modest. Modest actions and words to me mean following The Golden Rule, remembering “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all,” and realizing how lucky I am to have everything that I do, and taking none of it for granted.

9. Anything else you’d like to add about your choices, experiences, and more!
As with the halacha in general, I think that tznius, not just in dress but in words and actions, is part of G-d’s mission for us to live in His image. I believe that tznius should also be a person’s choice: find what calls to you. That isn’t to say that if you find/like an outfit that bares all to wear it, but if a woman finds that she doesn’t like the way covering her hair makes her feel, then I think she should forgo the hair covering. I wish that everyone got to experience the great blessings I have received from dressing and acting modestly.

Friday, June 24, 2011

A Brief Intermission to Recover

After three weeks in Israel, I arrived safe and sound this morning at Newark at the bright and sunshiney hour of 4:30 a.m. Luckily, we were one of the first flights, so I got to zip through security -- a first, and a huge contrast to my experience at Ben-Gurion which took 2.5 hours, which was longer than any experience ever. Reasons not to fly the Red Eye? At any rate, I'm just glad I flew Continental and not Delta (who appears to not be fond of Jews these days).

I came home to a dinosaur in my bed, a to-go Smoothie Maker, and visions of Chinese food dancing in my head. My copy of 1,001 Foods You Must Taste Before You Die (referenced on my other blog because of the gluten-free foods) arrived, and so did a huge stack of mail (mostly junk but some good photos from a sweet Snapfish deal). My dear husband hauled himself out of bed at the wee hours to pick me up, and then shuffled off to work, while I went home and cleaned out my inbox and ran errands.

Walking out of Target, all I could think was: I want to sleep, for days ... nay! Weeks!

It's the typical thing, you know, where you need a vacation from your vacation. Luckily, the next week is going to be nothing but writing a few articles on the Israeli Presidential Conference, decide whether to pursue my idea for a website called Gerim Online where converts and converts-to-be can speak and consult and counsel each other anonymously and publicly, and to sleep. Sleep my brains out. And eat food my body knows. And to miss Israel, of course.

Oh, and, I can't not mention spend time with my dear Tuvia, who put up with me jet-setting for three weeks without him. Let's just say I won't be doing any lengthy trips without him in the future. I plan on visiting my Little Bro Joe in South Carolina this summer, but those trips are short -- three to four days at most.

So, with an exhausted and stressed nod of my head, I must make a carrot cake, clean the entire apartment from top to bottom because my dear husband said he was going to and didn't (men, sigh), and prepare for our Happy-One-Year-Anniversary Kiddush we're hosting tomorrow (why? why did we choose this weekend?!), and then? Shabbat candles, Chinese food, and at least 14 hours of sleep.

Shabbat Shalom everyone!

Monday, June 20, 2011

A Pork Memoir

Mad props to Jeffrey Yoskowitz, a fellow 2011 ROIer for his project Pork Memoirs. They are some seriously funny and interesting reads.

And yes, even I have a Pork Memoir (mentioned ever-so-briefly in my own answers to the Tzniut Project).

Read the memoir -- Wearing Swine on My Sleeve --  here. And be sure to submit your own!

The Tzniut Project 18: "Refined Character Clothed Accordingly"

This is the eighteenth in a multi-part series called The Tzniut Project. Women from a variety of backgrounds with a variety of observances have volunteered to anonymously answer questions that I have written about their practices, people's assumptions, and more. For more information on origins the project, click here. Please continue to check back with The Tzniut Project to read more stories and comment abundantly!


Note: This post is contributed by a reader. I did include a comment, if only for posterity's sake!

1. How do you affiliate Jewishly? Feel free to elaborate on the words people use to describe you and the words you use to describe yourself.
Traditional Orthodox. If forced to pinpoint it further, Litvish/Yeshivish.

2. Growing up, did your mother or grandmother dress modestly in any way? Do you think modesty was something instilled in you by your family? Did you dress modestly growing up?
My mother grew up Conservative and dressed modestly to a degree while married to my father who grew up orthodox. When they divorced, her adherence to the laws of modesty pretty much went out the window. I went to Jewish day school and always dressed modestly, but I would wear a bikini at the beach. This is why it's important for parents to be on the same page. It's confusing for the kids. I have two brothers who are also religious and our mother looks at it as the ultimate in rebellion.

3. Are you married? How does your spouse feel about your choices for modest dress? Is it a dialogue or does your partner leave the mitzvah to you? 
I am married and my current husband has a stricter standard for modest dress than my former one. I knew this when we met based on where he's from. My ex-husband is more a Yeshiva University (modern orthodox) flavor and refused to let me cover my hair with a wig. He felt very strongly about this. Not wishing to rock the boat of shalom bayis, I went along but was never comfortable with it. I'd approach the topic occasionally, but he never relented. That's not why we divorced, but it didn't help much. When I started looking for a shidduch again, I knew the standard I'd want to keep. I live in a very yeshivish environment so there have been some adjustments to my dress since I got here. Out-of-town tznius is not the same as in-town tznius.

4. What would you wear on a typical day? On Shabbos? If you dress differently on weekdays and Shabbos, why do you make this distinction and how? 
On a typical day I wear some sort of black skirt or dark denim with a modest top and or shell. Always tasteful, nothing really out there. I have special clothes to wear to honor the Shabbos -- suits, separates, shoes. During the week I wear my wedding rings and a watch. On Shabbos I add accessories. I will run errands in a tichel during the week. On Shabbos it's always a sheitel. It's not uncommon for women in these parts to have a sheitel just for Shabbos.

5. What do you think other people infer from your clothing and hair covering choices? Has anyone ever said anything to you outright that expresses a judgment based on your appearance? (Ex: “You don’t cover your hair or wear skirts, so why do you keep kosher?”) 
I think my exterior adheres to the local standard but I'm sure I am very different from most of the women dressed like me. I am not from Brooklyn -- I would likely be more relaxed if not for the peer pressure and wanting to keep my son in good standing at his school. I also raised my level of tznius a notch to honor my husband. He finds me most attractive when I am totally tzniufied.

6. Have you ever surprised someone by dressing more or less modestly and making them rethink their stereotypes about what it means to be an observant Jew? 
I bumped into someone I knew from my old neighborhood (out of town) who I have not seen since my remarriage. She had never seen me in a sheitel and did not recognize me at all.

7. When you see someone who observes tzniut differently than you, what are your initial thoughts? How do you deal with them? 
I come from a town where not everyone covers there hair, and there are members of my husband's family who fall into this category as well. I *try* not to judge a book by its cover. My only concern is sending a consistent message of what the standard is to our child. He has observed, "That person is a yid (Jew) but doesn't know the rules about ladies not wearing pants," which is an acceptable answer to me.

8. I say modesty or tzniut … what does that mean to you? 
Refined character clothed accordingly. Honoring Hakadosh Baruch Hu by using proper speech and carrying myself as one who takes his laws seriously.

9. Anything else you’d like to add about your choices, experiences, and more!
N/A

Shabbat: What Can't You Live Without?

This entire post is based on a single question with two variations.

If you do observe Shabbat
what is the one thing you wish was permitted?

If you don't observe Shabbat, what is the one thing you couldn't live without being able to do over the 25-hour period?

Now for a bit of background. I recently was thinking about this question -- for me the former -- and I didn't even have to debate. It's easy: Shower. As someone who loathes sweating and suffers from the worst of allergies (two different meds and I still needed some Benadryl on Shabbos in Neve Daniel!), I crave a late-night Friday shower and a pre-shul shower on Saturdays.

I wrote last year a post about a major decision circa 2008 in which I had to choose between Shabbos or a $20 Bill, and during my summer in Chicago that same year I blogged a lot about my struggles to take on the mitzvah of Shabbos observance. I got a lot of flack, but I also got a lot of support. It's not like deciding to stop drinking soda or coffee, no, it's more than that. But do any of us really understand why we observe Shabbos? Do any of us really see how black and white it is? Or is it just a day of rest, a day where we don't work, a day where we spend the time as we see fit?

Ultimately, Shabbos is easily defined: In Hebrew, Shabbat means resting. At the beginning of Genesis, HaShem created the world in six days and rested on the seventh, refraining from creating. It's easy to say that we were commanded by a divine power to rest according to the Decalogue (aka 10 Commandments), so we should stop what we're doing and rest because the Man Upstairs said so. But what does resting mean? And, more importantly, what does "creating" entail?

I remember, once upon a time, asking a friend what Shabbat meant to them. This friend responded that it was a day of rest from the week's work, just as G-d commanded, so they spent their time at the movies, shopping, playing guitar, and doing all of the things that made them feel rested. It makes sense; even I'll admit that. We've rolled into this world where Shabbat is more about resting from work than resting from creating, and we often lose sight of what it means to create. Hence, this is why we have the 39 Melachot, or forms of creative activity, from which we abstain (found in Talmud Tractate Shabbat).

Again, we don't rest from work or that unfun stuff we do 24/5 -- we rest from creation.

I won't go into every last detail of the 39 Melachot, because to be honest, it takes people a lifetime to get everything down pat, but you can find a list of them here. As the world evolves and changes, we have to figure out how our new-fangled lifestyles fit into the idea of "creation." It's never the other way around -- we don't bend creation for our access to life, we bend our lives to rest from creation.

But let's be honest, from a practical point of view, even if you don't buy into the divinity of the 10 Commandments or the command to rest from creation on Shabbat, it makes lots of sense to just take a day off from creating -- whether that, for you, is writing, moving furniture, baking, cooking, flipping on your laptop, refreshing Twitter a dozen times an hour, and so on.

So, have you thought of your answer? Sock it to me.

Note: I just realized that I flip between Shabbat and Shabbos more than anyone I know. The only difference is sort of the Hebrew (Shabbos) and Modern Hebrew (Shabbat) pronunciation of the word שבת.

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Cherry Picking My Way to Calm

Last night, after returning from an exciting weekend at the Cherry Festival in Gush Etzion and a Shabbos in Neve Daniel with @tripnmommy and her band of merry munchkins, I wrote a really long and, what I thought, emotional post about the weekend. And then? Well, my computer went wonky and the app quit and my work was lost to the annals of time. So here we are, again. Let me try this one more time.

The great thing about Israel -- or maybe the Jewish community in general -- is that in an instant everything can change. I'm not talking anything philosophical here, but merely the fact that what I had planned for Shabbos fell through and I ended up opting (at the advice of a few folks) to go to the Gush for the Cherry Festival and then staying in the environs for Shabbos.

@freeves and I schlepped out to the Gush together, and when we got there we made a b-line for the Chocoholique booth so I could drop my Shabbos bags and to meet my meal hosts. Yes, I managed to land meals with the folks behind probably the most delicious chocolate liqueur on the planet. The funny thing is that I knew about this liqueur before going to Israel. See, when we were in Linden, NJ, for a Shabbaton, the rabbi there filled us in on the glory of spicy chocolate liqueur and said that he'd hook us up when I went to Israel. Of course, that conversation happened and was forgotten, so imagine my surprise when realizing that not only were my meals by the makers of Chocoholique, but that their next-door neighbors were related to the rabbi back in New Jersey. (Cue "It's a Small World After All ...)

You can only buy this in Israel, but it's worth having someone schlep back. Any distributors in the house?
After dropping my things, we traversed the booths, which carried every ware from falafel (if that's a ware) to tableclothes to mitpachot (head coverings) and more. It reminded me of everything I love about Middle America, actually, in that it felt very small town and quaint. Families sat around under gigantic shade tarps and ate lunch, kids crawled around and devoured gigantic cones of cotton candy. And the cherry picking itself? Wow. Now that was quaint. It reminded me of apple picking in Connecticut, but to a much more awesome level. Children and adults alike were up in the cherry trees dropping down handfulls to passersby, and babies were covered in cherry juice. People plopped down under the shade of the cherry trees and simply relished in the communal experience of harvesting cherries.

I walked away from the festival with some mitpachot, some of the delicious Espresso and Coconut @Chocoholique, as well as some Honey Liqueur (sorry Gottliebs!), which I had never before seen. I had about a pint of cherries in my possession, not to mention the countless cherries I ate while scrambling around the grove, and I was prepared to do something that I had never had the chance to do before: separating terumah and ma'aser.
Halachah requires the separation of terumah and ma’ aser from Israeli produce. When the Temple was extant, these separated portions were distributed in a specified manner to the Kohanim (Priests), Leviim (Levites) and the poor, or eaten in Jerusalem. While terumah and ma’ aser are no longer distributed or eaten in Jerusalem, the requirement to separate and designate them is still in effect. 
After the festival, we rushed back to Neve Daniel to prepare for Shabbos. All I can say about the experience of Shabbos with the @tripnmommy family is that it was outstanding. The kids treated me like a big sister and the peace the hovers over the community could be felt at all times. And the view? Well, the view was killer. 

There's something about Israel that I can't really explain to those who haven't spent a good deal of time here, and maybe even Israelis will think I'm nuts, but it's what I love most about this country: an overarching sense of chaos that breaks down at ground-level into complete peace. While standing outside in Neve Daniel, looking out over the communities in the distance, I felt calm. The kind of calm that makes you want to cry (and even as I write this, I feel surprisingly emotional) because you've reached this point of happiness, as if HaShem is walking with you, near you, around you. I felt this more on the mountainous Yishuv of Neve Daniel than I often do in many places in Israel, so maybe that is saying something. I really think that the location seems perfect for Tuvia -- him being a "country mouse" and all.
Residence in Israel is equivalent to the observance of all the biblical precepts.                           
Elazar ben Shammua, Sifre #80 to Deuteronomy 13:29
More photos? Of course!



And, don't forget, I'm in Jerusalem until late Thursday night, so if you want to grab a nosh or coffee, just let me know!

Note: If you haven't already considered it, think about donating to the Barry Shuter Family Trust, which I blogged about recently. If you hadn't put two-and-two together yet, Amy (aka @tripnmommy) is Barry's wife. Their kids, I can tell you from first-hand experience that hold a powerful light within themselves, and they should know only happiness and success in this world. My own father lost both of his parents before the age of 12, and he struggled with the help of those around him. Losing a parent and a husband is impossibly difficult, but there is so much that we can do to make life easier for the family. 

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Update From Israel: Innovation to Innovation

What a whirlwind week. It was the kind of week where you blink and people, places, feelings, smells, everything just flies by. And, before you know it, you're hugging new friends and saying "good luck" on upcoming projects. The reality, of course, of the 2011 ROI Summit ending, is that we all know that this is merely the beginning, and goodbyes were almost, if I can be so bold, unnecessary.


And now? Well, now I'm prepping for the Israel Presidential Conference! The conference runs from Tuesday to Thursday (after which I'll be whisked away to Ben-Gurion International Airport for an overnight flight next week), and it's appropriately called "Facing Tomorrow." This is the third conference of its kind, and it will attract more than 4,000 people from around the globe dedicated to "designing a better tomorrow."

Having spent the past week with the ROIers, this is an appropriate followup. The ROI Summit included the most diverse group of people I've ever encountered in my entire life. There were people from Colombia, England, Belarus, Israel, the U.S., and, well, you get the idea. The interests of the participants were even more diverse than the people were.

TSome of the talent included the minds behind Sharsheret (the breast cancer initiative for Jewish women), PunkTorah, Jewish Farm School, Meet Gilad, the director of the film Orthodox Stance (about an Orthodox Jewish boxer),  Jewish Robot/Shabot6000 (ohmygosh this guy is amazing) and ... well, you get the idea. Diversity, genius, the whole crackerjack box of talent and innovation. There were 150 of us there, and if you're interested in really exploring the minds behind some innovative projects on Jewish dance, music, art, Ethiopian Jews, Russian Jews, volunteerism, just head over to the ROI Summit participant website. Don't be upset if you can't look at everyone because, to be completely honest, I didn't manage to meet everyone, and I was in the same space (virtual and otherwise) with them for five days!

I have a lot to say, a lot to write, and a lot of ideas that I really want to put out there and grow, including a project based on my Facebook group for converts called "Gerim Online." I should probably trademark that or something, right? I'm hoping to get a grant, a web developer, and some awesome minds to help me make something amazing happen.

And? Well, I'm hoping that maybe some of the great minds I'll be interviewing at the Presidential Conference can help me get this launched and going. If anything, I just want a pat on the back (of the shomer negiah variety, of course) and a "yes, this is an amazing idea that is going to move mountains."

Stay tuned, friends. Innovation is coming out my ears. At least, it feels like it is. I'm on "conference fatigue," so the next four days are time to recharge, and I'll be spending Shabbat down in the Gush if you need to track me down.

Oh! And, I forgot to mention, I finally met Benji Lovitt, @Jewlicious, and more! Check me out with Benji -- the man, the myth, the comedian. 

The Tzniut Project 17: The Push-Pull of the Left and Frum Worlds

This is the seventeenth in a multi-part series called The Tzniut Project. Women from a variety of backgrounds with a variety of observances have volunteered to anonymously answer questions that I have written about their practices, people's assumptions, and more. For more information on origins the project, click here. Please continue to check back with The Tzniut Project to read more stories and comment abundantly!


Note: This post is contributed by a reader. I did include a comment, if only for posterity's sake!

1. How do you affiliate Jewishly? Feel free to elaborate on the words people use to describe you and the words you use to describe yourself.

I consider myself centrist Orthodox. I disagree with certain aspects of the chareidi hashkafa, like the push for all men to learn in kollel and the suspicion of science and secular learning in general, so intellectually I identify with modern Orthodoxy. However, practically speaking, I don't feel that I fit in the modern Orthodox community because of what I'll call the Big Three Syndrome: there's a disproportionate emphasis on keeping Shabbos, kosher, and mikvah. I don't like the attitude that if you're keeping those mitzvos, you're all set. I'm also uncomfortable with the way many modern Orthodox folks compartmentalize their lives: over here I'm keeping Torah, and over here I'm working at my secular job, and over here I'm spending time with my family and friends ... To me, centrist Orthodoxy means acknowledging that we can learn from the secular world, while still being committed to full halachic observance at all times and in all places.

2. Growing up, did your mother or grandmother dress modestly in any way? Do you think modesty was something instilled in you by your family? Did you dress modestly growing up?
My grandmothers both dress very modestly by secular standards (loose-fitting slacks, long sleeves, high necklines). My mother does not dress particularly modestly -- lower necklines, sleeveless tops -- but she was always adamant that I not wear miniskirts. I did not dress b'tznius growing up, but I dressed more modestly than my peers. No one told me to -- I was simply uncomfortable with revealing as much skin as was cool in my circles.

3. Are you married? How does your spouse feel about your choices for modest dress? Is it a dialogue or does your partner leave the mitzvah to you?
I am not yet married. I hope that my future husband will like to see me looking and acting tzanua, including covering my hair. I plan to cover my hair with a scarf or snood, partially since it seems the most true to the spirit of the halacha, and partially since it identifies me with my ideological community.

It's true that tznius of dress is more personal than some other mitzvos. For example, the standards of kashrus I maintain in my kitchen will affect my husband and children, but only I have to wear the clothes I pick out for myself. However, my observance of hilchos tznius is part of my overall spiritual identity, which can have a huge impact on my family. If my husband went without a kippa, I would feel that this affects me and that I am entitled to comment on it. Similarly, I feel that a husband is entitled to have a say in the tznius standards of his family members, including his wife.

4. What would you wear on a typical day? On Shabbos? If you dress differently on weekdays and Shabbos, why do you make this distinction and how?
On a typical weekday, I wear a casual skirt below the knee (corduroy, khaki, denim) with a plain T-shirt (covering my collarbone) and a long-sleeve cardigan. I usually wear sneakers or clogs and wear my hair pulled back out of my face. I do not usually wear jewelry during the week (unless I'm going to a fancy event or a simcha). When we talk about tznius of dress, people think of skirt and sleeve length, but things like long, loose hair, big earrings, and even perfume are also discussed in halacha.

My Shabbos clothing is very different from my weekday clothing. On a typical Shabbos, I wear a dress or a fancy skirt and top with nice black flats. I wear my hair pulled back, but I try to make it slightly fancier than a regular weekday ponytail. I usually wear small pearl earrings and sometimes a pearl necklace. I try to dress for Shabbos like I would for a fancy event, because that is part of giving kavod to Shabbos. I also try to keep my Shabbos clothes special for Shabbos and not wear them for weekday activities, although I would wear them to a simcha on a weekday.

One subtle but significant difference between my weekday clothes and my Shabbos/Yom Tov clothes is that I always wear stockings or socks on Shabbos, while on weekdays I often don't, especially with ankle-length skirts. I wear stockings on Shabbos not because I want to be more tzanua on Shabbos, but because for me, wearing stockings is part of feeling dressed up. I agree with the opinion that the halacha regarding stockings varies from one community to another. B'ezras Hashem I'll be in Israel for a few months in the near future, and while I'm living in Jerusalem I plan to wear stockings or socks all the time, because that seems to be the minhag hamakom. Wearing stockings is something I'd like to take on full-time eventually, because I think it looks refined and classy, which is a big part of tznius for me.

5. What do you think other people infer from your clothing and hair covering choices? Has anyone ever said anything to you outright that expresses a judgment based on your appearance? (Ex: “You don’t cover your hair or wear skirts, so why do you keep kosher?”)
As someone who identifies with neither the left nor the right wing of Orthodoxy, it's funny (and sometimes frustrating) to see how people on either end of the spectrum make different assumptions about me based on my dress. I just graduated college, and on my campus, though there were quite a few Orthodox students, I was the only full-time skirt-wearer. In that environment, I seem a lot more right-wing than I really am, just by comparison. On the other hand, when I daven at the charedi shul in town, people assume I am more left-wing than I really am, probably because of how my tan stockings and colored tops stand out in that environment. In that setting, people are surprised that I really do keep Shabbos, that I really don't eat out dairy in treif restaurants, that I really do keep hilchos tznius...

6. Have you ever surprised someone by dressing more or less modestly and making them rethink their stereotypes about what it means to be an observant Jew?
My standards of tznius don't exactly match my hashkafa in other areas. I think I keep more machmir standards of tznius than other women who are ideologically similar to me -- I don't wear "the uniform" but I do look more yeshivish than the other women in my modern, liberal shul. It seems that tznius has become optional in the more modern sectors of the Orthodox community. I know many women who are fully, deeply committed to keeping Shabbos, but who see no problem wearing pants or tank tops. I think this stems from the compartmentalization I mentioned above. When one sees Torah as a set of ritual and spiritual practices rather than as a comprehensive lifestyle, it's easier to disregard certain mitzvos as outdated or less important. I hope that by dressing according to halacha and simultaneously being open-minded and more modern, I can show that tznius is not just a mitzvah for chareidi women, but for all Jewish women.

7. When you see someone who observes tzniut differently than you, what are your initial thoughts? How do you deal with them?
This is a sensitive issue. I admit to judging other women based on the way they dress and act. It's not that I would see an otherwise frum woman in pants and think, "She's a bad Jew." I might, however, make assumptions about how she's keeping other mitzvos based on how she's keeping tznius. In one woman's response [here on The Tzniut Project], she noted that she doesn't think it's reasonable to judge someone's kashrus, for example, based on her tznius. I disagree with this, because I see halacha as a comprehensive system. That doesn't mean it's all or nothing -- no one is perfect, and keeping some halachos is certainly better than keeping no halachos. But when an otherwise frum woman who has been well educated in the Orthodox system decides that keeping hilchos tznius is not important, that says something about her overall commitment to halacha. Tznius is no less a halachic requirement than Shabbos or kashrus or mikvah. If a woman gives me a reason to doubt her commitment to halacha, then I may very well be uncomfortable eating in her house.

I admire women who keep stricter standards of tznius than I do, although I don't think halacha requires it. One thing I do have a problem with is the new phenomenon of chareidi women covering their faces with a burka-like garment. There is a world of difference between trying in earnest to live a mehadrin life, and creating entirely new issurim. "Lo sosef alav, v'lo sigra mimenu" -- don't add onto the Torah, or take away from it (Devarim 13:1). There is such a thing as being too machmir.

8. I say modesty or tzniut … what does that mean to you?
At the pshat level, "tznius" refers to a set of halachos governing dress and behavior. The halachos cover, in no particular order, skirt length (or pants length, for men), sleeve length, appropriate necklines, stockings, clothing colors, clothing tightness, jewelry, hairstyles, perfume/cologne, public conduct, appropriate speech, behavior in mixed company...

On a deeper level, the concept of tznius comes from the pasuk in Micha (6:8), which says, "hatznea leches im Hashem Elokecha" -- walk modestly with Hashem your God. This is often taken out of context, though -- the whole pasuk actually says, "You have been told what's good, what Hashem demands of you -- asos mishpat (do justice), v'ahavas chesed (and love kindness), v'hatznea leches im Hashem Elokecha (and walk modestly with Hashem your God)." [Hey! This is exactly what I wrote in my post, too! Great minds think alike ... - Chaviva]


Tznius isn't just an outfit -- it's a midah, like justice or chesed. To me, tznius means striving to be the kind of person who walks with Hashem, and the clothes I wear are just one part of that -- it's also about being humble, speaking in a refined way, being sensitive to my own privacy and the privacy of others, and knowing the appropriate time and place for everything. It's about protecting my dignity as a daughter of the highest King.

9. Anything else you’d like to add about your choices, experiences, and more!
In the chareidi world, I've noticed the prevalence of the idea that just as Torah learning is the one central mitzvah for men, tznius is the one central mitzvah for women. I really disagree with this. The obsession with women's dress in some chareidi circles seems very unhealthy to me, especially since it's obvious that in the early sources, the subject of tznius didn't get nearly as much air time it gets today.

I think this is most likely an expression of the ever-widening gap between the frum world and the secular world. Until relatively recently, there wasn't so much difference between secular women's clothing and Jewish women's clothing. Now that the secular world is pushing further and further left, and very revealing clothing and undignified behavior has become acceptable, the frum world feels, perhaps subconsciously, that it needs to push further right to insulate and differentiate itself. The irony, of course, is that the harder they try NOT to be influenced by the secular world, by taking on more machmir standards and putting more and more emphasis on the importance of women's clothing, the more they are admitting that they HAVE been influenced by the secular world.

I think it's commendable if one individual wants to take on a chumra that's meaningful to her. What's problematic is making a chumra the baseline standard for an entire community.

I also want to add that some people argue that tznius is not "as required" as Shabbos or kashrus, for example, because the halacha is of a different nature -- it's mid'rabanan rather than mid'oraisa, or it's das yehudis rather than das Moshe, etc. I am certainly not an expert on this issue, so I'll just say that in my very humble opinion, according to what I was taught, distinctions like das yehudis/das Moshe speak only to the nature and the source of the halacha, not to the importance or required-ness of the content of the halacha. The label "das yehudis" does not mean, "this halacha is more optional than those explicitly mentioned in Chumash."

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

News for Orthodox Converts!

Okay folks, huge, huge news just passed on to me. I'm pulling the text from eJewishPhilanthropy, because it's up there already. But, well, this is just gigantic, amazing news for converts!

Shas and Jewish Agency Reach Agreement on Orthodox Conversion Aliyah 
via Dan Brown
In a letter dated yesterday, the Interior Ministry of the State of Israel notified the Knesset of a change of policy as to procedures for granting Oleh status to Orthodox converts. Instead of turning to the Chief Rabbinate for eligibility approval, it will now turn to the Jewish Agency for Israel.
According to sources close to the issue, Chief Rabbi Amar supports the move which also had to gain approval of [Shas] Interior Minister Eli Yishai.
This agreement represents the first real compromise between the Shas led Interior Ministry and Jewish Agency Chair Natan Sharansky on a question of Jewish identity.
Many conversion questions are up in the air and the only forum actually dealing with the issue is the conversion roundtable chaired by Sharansky. This is only one of many issues, but it represents the first real agreement to come from the process.

Monday, June 13, 2011

The Tzniut Project 16: It's a Very Personal Mitzvah




This is the sixteenth in a multi-part series called The Tzniut Project. Women from a variety of backgrounds with a variety of observances have volunteered to anonymously answer questions that I have written about their practices, people's assumptions, and more. For more information on the project, click here. Please continue to check back with The Tzniut Project to read more stories and comment abundantly!





Note: This post is contributed by a reader






1. How do you affiliate Jewishly? Feel free to elaborate on the words people use to describe you and the words you use to describe yourself.
I would label myself as left-wing yeshivish. I believe strongly in following halacha even when I don't always understand it or even like it. I agree with a lot of charedi concepts but ultimately there are some aspects of the charedi community that I can't agree with.

2. Growing up, did your mother or grandmother dress modestly in any way? Do you think modesty was something instilled in you by your family? Did you dress modestly growing up?
I am a BT so there was no real standard. My mom and grandmothers wore pants, short sleeves, etc. My maternal grandmother always wears pants. Personally I always was more conservative in my choices. If I wore shorts they were loose. I never owned a tube top or short shorts. My skirts were always on the longer side. We were also taught the concept that there were times and places for different types of clothing.

3. Are you married? How does your spouse feel about your choices for modest dress? Is it a dialogue or does your partner leave the mitzvah to you?
I am married. Tznius is an ongoing conversation. When we were dating we were on the same page for the most part. There are small differences in taste and style but nothing major. He has encouraged
me to take on new things that I thought were harder then they actually were.

4. What would you wear on a typical day? On Shabbos? If you dress differently on weekdays and Shabbos, why do you make this distinction and how?
Normal weekday clothes are either a black or denim skirt that covers my knees a shirt that covers my collarbone and elbows and some type of tights or socks depending on the weather. I love all hair coverings especially pretied tichels and snoods but there are days when my sheital is more appropriate. Pregnancy and nursing have also influenced my clothing choices in the past year.

On shabbos I have a bunch of comfy dresses that I love for Friday night and shabbos day is usually a dress or skirt and top. Shabbos is a holy day deserving of my best clothes. I think getting dressed in my
nicest clothes despite the fact that its often just my husband and me sets the tone for the day.

5. What do you think other people infer from your clothing and hair covering choices? Has anyone ever said anything to you outright that expresses a judgment based on your appearance? (Ex: “You don’t cover your hair or wear skirts, so why do you keep kosher?”)
I think I come off as being more modern then I actually am. I don't dress in a bais yaakov manner even though I have a lot of the same beliefs. I asked someone I'm friendly with about a specific book
about women in Judaisim that had come out recently and she strongly emphasized how intense it is. People are surprised that I don't use the eruv, don't have a TV, keep pas yisroel, and try to eat chalav
yisroel
.

6. Have you ever surprised someone by dressing more or less modestly and making them rethink their stereotypes about what it means to be an observant Jew?
No.

7. When you see someone who observes tzniut differently than you, what are your initial thoughts? How do you deal with them?
I'm human and sometimes I judge, but at the end of the day I know that it's a very personal mitzvah. If people are at the very least being sincere in trying to keep a normative standard of tznius in accordance with halacha then kol hakavod! If their tznius is not in keeping with normative halacha and they purport to be a Orthodox/frum person I get irritated sometimes because proper tznius (in dress and mind) is ultimately no less halachic than being shomer shabbos.

8. I say modesty or tzniut … what does that mean to you? 
When it comes to tznius its as much of an attitude as it is a way of dress. I am a loud outgoing person so the little voice in the back of my head is always there reminding me to tone it down a little.

9. Anything else you’d like to add about your choices, experiences, and more!
Ultimately tznius is about being a bas melech (daughter of the King of Kings). Every day I ask myself how should I dress and how should I behave when continuously standing before our Creator (infinitely greater than any human king)! He set certain standards for us as Jews and we should do our utmost to adhere to them.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

The Tzniut Project 15: "The Uniform"



This is the fifteenth in a multi-part series called The Tzniut Project. Women from a variety of backgrounds with a variety of observances have volunteered to anonymously answer questions that I have written about their practices, people's assumptions, and more. For more information on the project, click here. Please continue to check back with The Tzniut Project to read more stories and comment abundantly!





Note: This post is contributed by a reader. I have been waiting for a post from the Chasidic world, and here it is! Also, B"H = Baruch HaShem (essentially, blessed is G-d).









1. How do you affiliate Jewishly? Feel free to elaborate on the words people use to describe you and the words you use to describe yourself. 
I consider myself to be just plain Chareidi. We affiliate with Chabad so I guess that makes us Chabad or Lubavitch? I am not really sure. I know my family describe us as "ultra orthodox." Really we are just regular frum yidden.

2. Growing up, did your mother or grandmother dress modestly in any way? Do you think modesty was something instilled in you by your family? Did you dress modestly growing up? 
Modesty was definitely not something I saw growing up, not by my mom and later on not even by my grandmother (albeit always in a very classy way B"H). When my family came to America they really assimilated into the culture. Growing up I did not so much dress modestly as much as I dressed very casually and sporty. I loved wearing jeans and T-shirts, sport suits, etc. But by the time I got to the middle of high school that all changed. That is when I really started my entry into the realm of short skirts, open tops, etc. This phase though only lasted two years. I started dressing tzniusly soon after I got to Stern College in New York.

3. Are you married? How does your spouse feel about your choices for modest dress? Is it a dialogue or does your partner leave the mitzvah to you? 
We have been married for a year and usually my husband leaves the tznius dress up to me. Lately though he has been pretty picky about how I dress around the house (I blame it on our baby girl). When I get home I just want to let loose (i.e. walk around in pants under a skirt, maybe a shirt does not come up to my collar bone). He would not ever let me walk around our apartment with my hair uncovered or even in a short-sleeve shirt. I am pretty much okay with it and used to it ... I was dressing this way around the house before I got married anyways (except for the covering hair part).

I happen to be a lot more careful of how I dress to go out so he never mentions anything about that ... unless something is accidentally showing that should not be. It is definitely a dialogue for us. I think though that my husband's desire for me to be fully tznius in the house comes not only because of our daughter but also because that is what he saw at home. His mom is always fully tznius at home with her hair covered. His dad as well walks around in pants and a button down. My husband comes home and the only thing he does is change his pants, otherwise he stays in his tzitis and a button down shirt. My husband B"H takes his tznius of dress very seriously, he does not wear/own jeans and T-shirts, ever.

4. What would you wear on a typical day? On Shabbos? If you dress differently on weekdays and Shabbos, why do you make this distinction and how? 
On a typical day I would wear a pleated skirt, some kind of top and a kiki riki/linda leal top underneath. Every single top I have in my closet gets worn with one of these shirts underneath. I, like my husband, dont wear/own any denim. I definitely try to make a distinction between my weekday dress and my Shabbos dress. I feel it is important to do so because Shabbos is all about honoring the King of Kings. We spend the whole day preparing a beautiful table in honor of Shabbos, have a nice becher [kiddush cup] and lichters [Shabbos candlesticks/lights], I think it is just as important to spend some time preparing ourselves as well!

Now we are home every Shabbos because we dont use the eruv, and even at home I make it a point to dress up for Shabbos. It also make me feel regal, I like it and so does my husband :) We rarely have an opportunity to pay a little extra attention to how we look, well for me Shabbos is that opportunity. I make that distinction by wearing my full sheitel instead of a tichel or my fall. I also make that distinction by wearing some kind of fancy top and wearing jewelry (since I don't usually wear it during the week). My skirts are all interchangeable from weekday to Shabbos.

5. What do you think other people infer from your clothing and hair covering choices? Has anyone ever said anything to you outright that expresses a judgment based on your appearance? (Ex: “You don’t cover your hair or wear skirts, so why do you keep kosher?”) 
At least in the community I live in people understand that I am frum/chareidi. I basically wear the "uniform": pleated skirt, some kind of top with a shirt underneath, the "chareidi" shoes, tights, sheitel/tichel. I think that my family infers that I am nuts! No one has ever said anything to me outright, and if they wanted to they kept it to themselves. I have to admit though that I am judgmental of people's appearances ... and perhaps that is why I choose to dress as I do, but don't get me wrong I enjoy my style.

6. Have you ever surprised someone by dressing more or less modestly and making them rethink their stereotypes about what it means to be an observant Jew? 
I dont think that I have ... My style of tznius has been evolving ever since I made my choice about four years ago. I had many bumps in the road when I went from zero to sixty and then back again. By the time I left Israel in 2009 I had chosen the "chareidi" style, and I'm really happy with my choice. I think that is the challenge of a lot of Baalei Teshuva, finding a tznius zone that works both for the person and within the community. I know that for me, honestly, community (both in Israel and L.A.) had a lot to do with my choice. My family can make stupid and hurtful comments about the fact that I dress tzniusly, especially when we go shopping or they buy me something, but I stick my ground, and they will hopefully one day stop making unnecessary comments.

7. When you see someone who observes tzniut differently than you, what are your initial thoughts? How do you deal with them? 
None of your readers will like this, and trust me I realize that this is not the right thing to do. I categorize them. I categorize people's observance by how they dress. It has been an uphill battle to get rid of this habit, if any of your readers have advice on this topic I will gladly hear it. I try not to judge them as people based on how they dress. If we are talking then I will listen, I won't automatically dismiss them chas v'shalom ["G-d forbid"]. What can I say, I have got some serious work to do in this department.

8. I say modesty or tzniut … what does that mean to you? 
To me it means mode of dress, speech, and actions. Most of the time it comes up on reference to dress, but there have been times between my husband and I where it has come up in actions. I think that over the years as Yiddishkeit has evolved and changed there has been a far greater emphasis on tzniut as a mode of dress rather than on speech and actions.

9. Anything else you’d like to add about your choices, experiences, and more! 
My style and closet have changed quite often over the last four years. In the beginning of my frumkeit journey I was all over the place trying to figure out where in the frum spectrum I wanted to be. I really think, at least thats how its has been for me, that community (and niche, i.e. "chassiddish") have a large influence in the realm of tnius as a mode of dress. For me personally, the reason I chose and have stayed with my current style is due to

  1. being way more comfortable in my own skin than I ever have before,
  2. finally choosing a niche/community within the frum world, and
  3. getting married and having a baby (since I want to be a good example for my children).

The Tzniut Project 14: A Boost to My Jewish Identity



This is the fourteenth in a multi-part series called The Tzniut Project. Women from a variety of backgrounds with a variety of observances have volunteered to anonymously answer questions that I have written about their practices, people's assumptions, and more. For more information on the project, click here. Please continue to check back with The Tzniut Project to read more stories and comment abundantly!





Note: This post is contributed by a reader. 





1. How do you affiliate Jewishly? Feel free to elaborate on the words people use to describe you and the words you use to describe yourself.
I'm hoping to convert to Orthodox Judaism as soon as I get the opportunity -- although like you, Chavi, I'm not fond of labels. I wish we could all be "just Jewish." However, Jews like to classify themselves into different categories in order to distinguish between their worldviews, so I guess I'd say I tend to lean more toward the Modern Orthodox/Religious Zionist philosophy on many issues -- but I wouldn't limit myself to it a priori. I'm still learning, and God willing, have a conversion and a lifetime of Judaism to look forward to. I want to be a Torah-observant Jew -- but what kind, or 'flavour,' of Judaism will appeal to me most some years down the line, I do not know.

2. Growing up, did your mother or grandmother dress modestly in any way? Do you think modesty was something instilled in you by your family? Did you dress modestly growing up?
No -- although the women in my family have always had sort of a classic, lady-like style, and my mother never to my memory wore anything short, she did and still does wear low-cut tops. Now that I am choosing to cover up, my mother and grandmother are very alarmed by my choice of clothing and think it's very strange that somebody so young would want to dress like an "old lady." They keep telling me that if I dress like this now, by the time I reach their age I will wish to dress more provocatively and will want to feel attractive and have people look at me, but will no longer be able to afford it. We have endless arguments about this.

3. Are you married? How does your spouse feel about your choices for modest dress? Is it a dialogue or does your partner leave the mitzvah to you?
I am not, but when I do marry, I imagine I will want my husband to care about his wife dressing modestly but without trying to explicitly control what I do and don't wear.

4. What would you wear on a typical day? On Shabbos? If you dress differently on weekdays and Shabbos, why do you make this distinction and how?
I wear skirts below the knee (or at least cover the middle of my knee), and I really like long maxi skirts in summer. On top I'd typically wear a shell with some nice sleeveless shirt over it. Sometimes I also wear shirts up to a tefach [hands-breadth] above my elbow -- to be honest I'd rather not, but I guess when I do this my mother, who I still live with, feels kind of reassured that I'm wearing 'normal' clothes again. I prefer shirts to cover my collarbone, but most often have trouble finding those in shops, so I go for the next best thing -- just below the collarbone.

At the moment I don't dress much differently on Shabbos, partly because I have noone to spend it with -- although I realise that's hardly an excuse; partly because the people at my shul are very secular and don't dress any differently on Shabbos either; and partly because most days I like to dress "smartly" anyway, so there wouldn't be much of a difference.

5. What do you think other people infer from your clothing and hair covering choices? Has anyone ever said anything to you outright that expresses a judgment based on your appearance? (Ex: “You don’t cover your hair or wear skirts, so why do you keep kosher?”)
Apart from my parents, I haven't heard anyone comment on what I wear so far, although I do often get the impression people think I'm weird. At my school girls my age wear jeans, miniskirts, T-shirts and sneakers, and whenever there is a formal school event, they wear short low-cut dresses -- so I do kind of stand out. On the other hand, I've heard people over the age of 40 and 50 comment that I dress "smart" and "fancy" -- which is sweet, although I'm not sure what to make of the age group factor!

As I said, the people at my shul are secular -- so I'm the only one there who dresses modestly, apart from another woman who has recently been making an effort, too. Sometimes I find myself worrying about what they think of me -- do they think I'm trying to be "more Jewish" than them, while not actually being Jewish? I constantly have to remind myself that I do what I do for myself, and not for anybody else, so I shouldn't care what other people, Jewish or non-Jewish, think.

On the other hand, when we have Orthodox people visit our shul from elsewhere, I've noticed they automatically single me out due to the fact that I'm dressed like them, and they start talking to me -- while most of the other women in the community somehow don't speak to them, continuing to talk amongst themselves. I sometimes feel like a bridge between my community and the more religious visitors.

6. Have you ever surprised someone by dressing more or less modestly and making them rethink their stereotypes about what it means to be an observant Jew?
Not really -- on the contrary, I've had secular Jews try to badmouth Orthodoxy to me, talking in a way as if they thought I knew nothing about it, even though I was sitting in front of them in a long skirt and long sleeves on a hot summer day.

7. When you see someone who observes tzniut differently than you, what are your initial thoughts? How do you deal with them?
When I see people wearing very revealing and tight-fitting clothing, honestly, I do sometimes judge, although I know I shouldn't. I try to keep in mind that many of them are dressed like that simply due to a genuine lack of awareness of the impact of the way we dress on the way people perceive us, on the opposite gender, and ultimately, on our spiritual wellbeing. Sometimes I'm on a bus and I see a girl enter in very skimpy shorts, and then I see the way all the men look her up and down while she's paying the fare. I think it's disgusting, and in this case I pity the girl rather than judge her.

When I see people dressed more modestly than myself, I sometimes feel a little inferior, and wonder if my own standards are too lax. Where I live there are a lot of African refugees, and the Muslim women from countries like Sudan, Eritrea, etc., only ever wear floor-length skirts, and I've noticed they wear tights or socks so their feet are always completely covered too. I find this admirable considering the boiling summer climate -- and often wonder whether when they see me they judge me the way I sometimes can't help but judge the girls in tiny miniskirts -- I hope not!

8. I say modesty or tzniut … what does that mean to you?
First and foremost dignity and self-respect, expressed through moderation in everything -- dress, speech, overall behaviour. The way we dress and our manners should reflect who we are on the inside, our inner beauty. Observing tzniut means allowing ourselves to be valued for who we are and what we do, rather than for outward appearances. I also think it's in the interests of every woman (and man, but I feel women are more endangered in this sense) not to be objectified.

Tzniut to me also includes what I watch on telly, which websites I browse, what I do in my free time. For instance, I'd never be caught dead in a pub or nightclub -- even though most of my peers love partying, I've always felt out of place in that kind of culture, for as long as I can remember.

9. Anything else you’d like to add about your choices, experiences, and more!
I feel tzniut has given a boost to my Jewish identity -- even though I'm not Jewish officially. When I look different and feel different from those around me, I am reminded of why I do it -- and although at times it can be tough feeling so out of place, at the end of the day I feel proud of who I am and what I do. The constant criticism from my parents and secular society and the fact that I am able to withstand it give me strength, courage and hope that one day I will be a Jew.

Friday, June 10, 2011

I Don't Hate Israel(is)

Circa 2008, I planted a tree in Israel. I forget the type, but it's the kind that
doesn't fully bear fruit until the generation of the grandchildren. Why?
I believe in Israel, and I believe in continuity.

My last post, Only in Israel, really resulted in quite the ruckus from my readership and some strangers. People said I was speaking lashon hara about Israel and Israelis and even Jews! I really don't like writing these "in defense of myself" posts, but the things people have said to me rub me in a really, really wrong way. Some things people said:
Stop talking loshon hara about Israel and it's [sic] people or leave the country. You should feel lucky that you're even here.
"Its" people are largely Jewish. I'm Jewish. I'm proud to be Jewish. In fact, I'm that person back in the U.S. fighting for Israel education and Hebrew language education, if I'm not mistaken. I'm the person in the U.S. defending the right of Israel and Israelis -- Jews for the most part -- to exist. Sure, I'm luck that I'm here, but you should be, too. 
These [the things I wrote in my post] are just blatant lies. You should have titled your post "why can't Israelis have class like me"
Class? What does "class" have to do with anything? It doesn't take class to let a woman with a stroller by or to not knock over an elderly person on the sidewalk. It also doesn't take "class" to give someone room to breathe, let alone stand, while attempting to connect with HaShem at the Kotel.

And to the comment that "With all due respect, you are writing about your somewhat limited experiences in Jerusalem," I've spent my fair share of time in Israel. December 2008-January 2009, I was here for 10 days. Another 10 days in November-December 2009, followed by another 10 days in November-December 2010. And now, here I am, here for three weeks in Jerusalem proper.  Aside from my first trip (which was Birthright), I've stayed in an apartment in Nachlaot, walked the streets of Jerusalem, sat at coffee shops and wasted time, and eaten at the restaurants and hole-in-the-walls that everyone else does.

That's 30 days before now, plus another 21 after this trip. It might not be consistent, but I know Jerusalem, and I know Israelis. Two of my best friends are Israelis, and they're moving back to Israel this month and I'm sad to see them go because they are my emotional rock much of the time.

I love Jerusalem, and I love Israel. I've been to so many places, including Ramat Shlomo and Ramat Beth Shemesh, Caesaria, Tel Aviv, the Golan, Chevron and so on. I love this country more than anything in the world, but the horror of that moment at the Kotel that sent me reeling and into the doors of an ambulance -- the psychological trauma of it -- sent me reeling.

Everyone, that was a personal post about a personal experience. I didn't want to go into the sordid details of the experience, but maybe I should, so you all understand the gravity of the situation. But it was *that* traumatizing. I didn't leave my apartment for a good day and a half after it. It could have happened anywhere in the world, but it happened in Israel, it's a result of circumstance.

I've been to dozens of concerts in the US, concerts of crowding and pushing and mosh pits, and nothing prepared me for what I experienced at the Kotel.

I love the frankness and chutzpah of Israelis. I love how Israelis can be harsh and giving in the same moment. I love how the same people will ask you for tzedakah over and over again, hoping to help groups of needy young Israelis. I love the attempts by Israel to have the Gap and American Apparel (it closed) and other "American" stores. I love the style of Israeli women in long flowing dresses and multi-colored scarves that dance around their dark eyes. I love the food, the smells, the color of everything and everyone. I love the children bouncing in payot and the scream of sellers in the shuk. I love how I don't feel the need to wear makeup here, and I don't spend hours getting ready everyday. I like how I can sit in my apartment, doing work or wasting time and how I feel completely at peace and at home without even trying.

We all have good days, and we all have bad days. There are, without a doubt, days when Israelis hate being Israelis. There are, without a doubt, days when I hate being in New Jersey, let alone the United States. But the reverse is true, too. Having a frustrated confusing experience in a land that you love with all of your heart can be heartbreaking, and for me, writing is therapeutic. It's like the child who sees his father as completely infallible, perfect, and in one quick moment something small makes him realize we're all human and nothing is meant to be held upon a pedestal, because the moment it is, it surely will begin to fall. Respect, love, and admiration are healthy -- but not without an understanding that all things in this world are imperfect. If they were perfect, then we wouldn't have such a heavy load to carry, Mashiach would come, and HaShem would be satisfied. Clearly, that's not the case.

As one commenter argued,
It's a wonderful country, but if you think we have nothing to work on, then _you_ can leave. E"Y is for people who want to grow, not for those who want to remain stagnant. (Mike)
Amen, amen.
And for those of you who doubt my sincerity or love of Israel, just look at my past posts on Israel. I write about Israel, Israelis, terror, and my desire to make aliyah all the time. 

The Tzniut Project 13: "What's enough for G-d? What's enough for me?"




This is the thirteenth in a multi-part series called The Tzniut Project. Women from a variety of backgrounds with a variety of observances have volunteered to anonymously answer questions that I have written about their practices, people's assumptions, and more. For more information on the project, click here. Please continue to check back with The Tzniut Project to read more stories and comment abundantly!

Note: This post is contributed by a reader. 




1. How do you affiliate Jewishly? Feel free to elaborate on the words people use to describe you and the words you use to describe yourself.
I'm a "Jew by Dunk" (i.e., a convert) who went through a Conservative conversion almost three years ago. I tend to lean to the more traditional side of things and consider myself "Conservadox" in thought and am becoming more so in actions. I'm a member at a Conservative shul affiliated with the United Synagogue of Conservative Judaism.

2.Growing up, did your mother or grandmother dress modestly in any way? Do you think modesty was something instilled in you by your family? Did you dress modestly growing up?
I certainly don't think she or my grandma dressed in revealing cloths, but they also obviously weren't dressing with tzniut in mind (or maybe they were, but with a different label?). That being said, I remember my mom talking to me about our bodies being a gift from G-d and the importance of honoring that with appropriate dress and behavior. That, of course, didn't stop me from wearing some pretty scandalous outfits during my rebellious teen years -- it didn't help that lingerie as clothing was a popular trend as I entered high school ... But, Mom's words then have influenced my framework today -- sometimes it just takes a while to actually absorb the wisdom being passed on to you.

3. Are you married? How does your spouse feel about your choices for modest dress? Is it a dialogue or does your partner leave the mitzvah to you?
I'm engaged and will (G-d-willing) be getting married in November. My fiance is an Israeli from the FSU who grew up in a very secular household. Because we are, both in our own ways, trying to figure out what living an "observant" lifestyle looks like for us both now, and as we continue to grow in our observance, we have lots and lots and lots of conversations about this topic and others (kashrut, keeping Shabbat, etc.). He's expressed that he's pretty ok with whatever I choose is right for me, but that a sheitel is off limits. I suspect that we'll continue to have conversations and that we'll further define things as we move along.

4. What would you wear on a typical day? On Shabbos? If you dress differently on weekdays and Shabbos, why do you make this distinction and how?
I work in a very casual office environment, so my dress is casual most days (jeans and knit shirts, etc.) but lately I've been putting more thought into what it might look like if I "went skirts and sleeves," so I've been trying that out every now and then. I've found that on the days that I consciously dress like I belong on the show Srugim (modest + fashionable = win), my behavior is just a wee bit more in line with my outfit. Let's just say that off-color vocab doesn't get used as much on those days ... Plus, I feel prettier and more feminine.

I definitely make an effort to wear something that is shul-appropriate (skirt to at least just below knees, a decently high neckline and shoulders covered) on Fridays so I can head straight to services or shabbat dinner with friends after work. And if I'm headed to services on Saturday morning, only my nicest skirts and shirts/sweaters make it out the door. For me, it's partially about honoring shabbat but probably just as much about making sure I'm dressed appropriately for shul and don't get funny looks. It's been a learning curve for me because some things that would fly in a church (e.g., a sleeveless dress) just aren't appropriate in a synagogue, so I err on the side of caution in both coverage and dressiness.

5. What do you think other people infer from your clothing and hair covering choices? Has anyone ever said anything to you outright that expresses a judgment based on your appearance? (Ex: “You don’t cover your hair or wear skirts, so why do you keep kosher?”)
I think people (including acquaintances and friends) are surprised to find out that I tend to have a more traditional viewpoint on things because I don't dress fully tznua most days. They assume that if I'm wearing flip flops, jeans, and a tank top, I'll take a more liberal view on things like women's role in the synagogue than I do.

Most of my friends were pretty surprised to find out that I'd really like to cover my hair when I'm married and have wondered how that would fit in with our community. One friend said "but that would mean you could never eat out with us!" because eating out (vegetarian) in a non-kosher restaurant with covered hair could send the wrong message. It was a point I hadn't thought about before, and I've been trying to figure it out -- it's as if I'm already anticipating judgment (expressed or not), and it's enough for me to strongly consider not covering my hair right after the wedding (I don't think either my fiance or I am ready for all kosher all the time. Yet.).

6. Have you ever surprised someone by dressing more or less modestly and making them rethink their stereotypes about what it means to be an observant Jew?
I'm not sure that this question applies to me, because I don't think I've ever been considered observant (enough) by the people I would label "observant Jews" (although I'm certainly within the norms of my community).

7. When you see someone who observes tzniut differently than you, what are your initial thoughts? How do you deal with them?
I find myself in awe of the women who are able to mix modesty with fashion -- nothing too flashy of course (or too tight) -- and I'm finding myself more and more drawn to adopt "skirts (knee length) and sleeves (3/4)" full-time.

And I hate to say this, but I've gotten kind of judge-y when it comes to the opposite. Somehow I'm fine with a lack of clothes in the yoga studio or on the beach, but just keep noticing how much SKIN there is in public these days. It especially bothers me in shul to see a slightly too short skirt, and that's when the real judging begins. I try not to linger on those thoughts too long though, especially in shul where my thoughts and intentions should be directed to more important things.

8. I say modesty or tzniut … what does that mean to you?
Up until about two years ago, I would have only focused on the outside. Now (and probably because I'm trying to break a bad habit of using swear words too often), I focus just as much on words/actions as attire. For me, tzniut is about remembering that G-d created you and showing that you remember by your choice in words/actions/attire.

9. Anything else you’d like to add about your choices, experiences, and more!
Some of the others have said that observing tzniut has been a process for them, and it has/will be for me too. Right now, I'm really struggling with how much I want to adopt a more tzniut-friendly approach to dressing but get hung up questions like "can I do skirts/sleeves and still go to yoga classes where I'll be in yoga pants and a shirt?" Lots of "what's enough for G-d, what's enough for me?" In the meantime, I've been working on the words/actions part of the equation.