Tuesday, May 31, 2011

The Tzniut Project: Chavi Edition!

I've been very busy gathering and editing content for The Tzniut Project, and I've even started sending out some revamped questions for the Men's Edition of the project, which will have its first post on Friday, but I'm sure many of you are asking yourselves why I haven't answered the questions myself.

The thing is, when I conceived of the idea, I hadn't really thought it was necessary for me to answer the questions. After all, I talk about tzniut all the time, and I post pictures of myself on the blog. However, as answers have come in from people I know "in real life" and those I don't, I realized that I found myself frustrated with some of the answers. I also found that a lot of people were asking "what about the men?" After all, tzniut applies to men just as much as women, doesn't it?

Here are some general notes about the content so far, and following that are my own answers to the very questions I've put out there for everyone else.
  • You may have noted inconsistencies in the capitalization of things like Modern Orthodox or Yeshivish, and this is because I maintained the capitalization of the author of each of the posts. I think how we capitalize things actually can say something about how we view denominations/movements/sects/streams. Am I nuts? Maybe. 
  • Some people have mentioned it, and some have not: Tzniut is more than just how we dress, and when it comes to men, this is probably one of the most powerful aspects of tzniut. It's speech, how we carry ourselves, the words we do and don't use in public, how we think, the way we do or don't touch our spouses or even people who aren't our spouses. It's the movies we watch and the stories we tell, the way we sit and the way we walk. If it were just about clothes and the cloth on our heads, we'd all be doing it right -- in some way
  • I think it's interesting how few people mention halacha when I ask about what tzniut means to them (props to No. 1 and No. 6 on this). I'm looking at everything through the lens of the editor, of course, and as someone who wanted to see certain things in the answers that sometimes weren't there. It's sort of like asking a reporter to write a story about x, y, z and him returning with something less focused but equally amazing. I established in one old blog post that hair covering is considered Dat Moshe (law from Torah), and I discussed why we do it the way we do it, too. But what about everything else? What about our hemlines and sleeve lengths and skirts over pants? Perhaps I should delve into the mitzvah of clothing and covering up. I enjoy looking at the law, anyhow!
  • Kind of really loving this logo I made for the Men's Edition.
  • Although I already mentioned it, the number of people asking for men to chime in on the questions was surprising, and I hadn't even thought about having men answer the questions. I revamped and reordered the questions, and I'm hoping that some men will take the time to answer the questions in full and really think about how tzniut fits in a man's world outside of just what his wife or children do/wear. And after seeing a teenager in Lazy Bean in Teaneck today wearing flip-flops, board shorts, a turquoise T-shirt, a Florida Marlins cap, and his tzitzit on top of this entire getup, I'm particularly interested in whether there are even requirements or expectations for men's attire in the realm of modesty. 

Okay, are you ready? You think you know my style? Let's see!

1. How do you affiliate Jewishly? Feel free to elaborate on the words people use to describe you and the words you use to describe yourself. 
I spent a long time calling myself Underconstructionist with the belief that everyone -- Jews and otherwise -- should always be under construction. I also am not huge on labels, since they do more harm than good and, we all know that labels are incredibly narrow. But I affiliate as Orthodox, and many would probably call me Modern Orthodox. I maintain a "centrist" view of Orthodoxy, but I'm guessing because I don't wear a sheitel every day and because I leave that tefach (hand's breadth) of bangs out, most would consider me "modern."

2. Growing up, did your mother or grandmother dress modestly in any way? Do you think modesty was something instilled in you by your family? Did you dress modestly growing up? 
Y'all know I'm a convert, so there's no chance I'd have a mom in stockings and black skirts.

On that note, I don't remember much about my grandmother on my mom's side because we only saw her a lot when we were little and I haven't seen her in years. My father's mother died when he was a child, but in all the pictures I have of her, she's wearing a dress of some sort. My mom never dressed in any kind of sexual way when I was growing up, and she was fond of pants or shorts and T-shirts most of my life that I remember. Oddly enough, I don't remember ever having a desire to wear low-cut tops or short-shorts, so I don't remember ever getting a talk about modesty or being humble in my attire or the way I carried myself. I was sort of self-taught in the ways of how to act and how to speak. I was pretty modest on my own, but that was a result of image issues and a bad case of eczema. I do, however, remember that my dad insisted on us not saying any curse words, let alone words like "frick" that even resembled curse words.

3. Are you married? How does your spouse feel about your choices for modest dress? Is it a dialogue or does your partner leave the mitzvah to you?  
I am very married -- for a whole year, hoo-rah! I've blogged about shomer negiah before, and I've gotten a lot of interesting reactions to my choices even though I never dressed in any way that would be suggestive (save a short period of time in Chicago when I was sowing my wild oats after losing 25 pounds -- I felt the need to "flaunt it" but it didn't help my body image issues). When Tuvia and I got married, he never sat me down to say that he wanted me to dress a certain way. His only real beef was regarding head covering: He didn't want me to get a sheitel. Tuvia likes the way I look in hats, and he is neutral about tichels and scarves. Every now and again, when I'm wearing something that might be more "low-cut" than normal and my clavicle happens to poke out, he'll make a comment or if my skirt is a bit too short or hugging, he'll say something. But he never demands I change or busts out some Talmudic dictum for me to wear something a certain way. Although he's read the books and knows the details, I'm the one who did most of the research regarding head covering for the blog, so it informed a lot of our understanding and made it "okay" for me to pick up a sheitel.

4. What would you wear on a typical day? On Shabbos? If you dress differently on weekdays and Shabbos, why do you make this distinction and how? 
On a typical day, you can find me in a below-the-knee jean skirt with some kind of shirt and a 3/4-length or long-sleeve cardigan with Crocs or other flats (sometimes toes peeking out if they're painted) and a knit hat or scarf of some sort. I have one jean skirt that hits me right at the bottom of the kneecap when I'm standing and when I sit it makes even me uncomfortable, so I usually wear this with leggings. Usually, however, in the summer, I'm bare-legged. On Shabbos, I wear things from the "Shabbos" section of my closet! Black skirt, some type of fancy top with a shell under and a cardigan over it. I'm all about layering, even if I'm boiling. I don't wear a ton of makeup on Shabbos, because I've become uncomfortable with the idea of putting makeup on on Saturdays because of certain prohibitions, so I try to go without, which has become easier since I got married!

I haven't worn a short-sleeve shirt in public in nearly two years, and I haven't worn pants in even longer. Pants were easy for me to give up -- it's hard to find pants that fit perfectly anyway. Also, I've been a sucker for layering and cardigans forever, so modest dress was natural.

The shirt in question.
5. What do you think other people infer from your clothing and hair covering choices? Has anyone ever said anything to you outright that expresses a judgment based on your appearance? (Ex: “You don’t cover your hair or wear skirts, so why do you keep kosher?”) 
I'm guessing most people think I'm Modern Orthodox because my hair isn't completely tied back. However, I did find out that many people thought for a long time that my bangs were clip-ins! Impressive, right? I think people usually infer that I'm religious, but normal. Modern, but that there must be a rhyme or reason to why I wear what I do. Although, yesterday when we were at the outlets at Woodbury Commons, there were a million women there from Monsey or Kiryat Yoel or something, and I was wearing my SXSW T-shirt with a pig on it with a cardigan and boy oh boy was I getting some looks. Probably not a good idea to wear that shirt around, irony or not. I used to be a very T-shirts and jeans kind of gal, and I lived at thrift stores. There are some who can pull this look off today, and I can on somedays, but sometimes it makes me feel "dressed down" and not a good representative of how modesty can be beautiful and meaningful.

For those who knew me "before" I joined the dark side, I think my skirts, cardigans in boiling weather, and insistence on covering my head/hair means that I'm something I'm not. I wish more people would ask questions than make assumptions.

6. Have you ever surprised someone by dressing more or less modestly and making them rethink their stereotypes about what it means to be an observant Jew? 
I asked this question and I don't even know if I have a good answer. I hope people think it means modest = cool!

7. When you see someone who observes tzniut differently than you, what are your initial thoughts? How do you deal with them?
I wrote about this here. I got a lot of flack for it, but I was happy that so many others who answered these questions were honest and said "yeah, we judge, it's part of who we are." I'm not alone, I just tend to be the only one willing to say what people are thinking. It's a system, and to acknowledge that what someone else does makes you uncomfortable means you're discovering something about yourself.

When I saw those women at the outlets in dark stockings with the line up the back and their hat-on-sheitel looks atop black-and-white everything, I thought to myself "Are you people nuts? It's so hot out here!" I noticed a frum couple digging through a sale table ... of sweaters ... in 80+ degree heat and thought the same thing. But they're sticking to a level of modesty that they view as necessary, and for that I admire them. It just takes a few seconds to get to "respect" after "assumed insanity."

8. I say modesty or tzniut … what does that mean to you?
For me, the first thing I think of is, "Where does it come from? What does it mean? Why do we do it?" I suppose it's only natural that I'm plagued with questions from square one. It's easy for me to explain to people why we cover our hair (the sotah portion) and why we cover as much or as little as we do. But when it comes to clothing and speech and thought, it's a lot harder. As many others have said, it's a type of lifestyle, but lifestyle sounds too much like choice to me, and for me, yes I choose to do it, but the outline of what's to be done is less of a choice. Tzniut means more than modesty, it means living your life in a way that others wish to emulate. Making your modest clothes look beautiful, to emanate inner beauty, to carry yourself in thought and speech in a way that others say "Wow, if that's what tzniut is, then count me in." It's being a light, really, unto all people. It's being humbled before haShem and all that's been provided us.

From Micah 6:8:
הגיד לך אדם מה טוב ומה יי דורש ממך כי אם עשות משפט ואהבת חסד והצנע לכת עם יי

HaShem told you what is good and what is required of you: do justly, love mercy (loving-kindness), and walk humbly (modestly) with HaShem.

The word used -- הצנע (ha'tznea) -- is the same word/root for tzniut. So, basically HaShem is saying "Walk this way."

9. Anything else you’d like to add about your choices, experiences, and more! 
I think I've said enough ... for now.

The Tzniut Project 10: "What, are you frum?"

This is the tenth in a multi-part series called The Tzniut Project. Women from a variety of backgrounds with a variety of observances have volunteered to anonymously answer questions that I have written about their practices, people's assumptions, and more. For more information on the project, click here. Please continue to check back with The Tzniut Project to read more stories and comment abundantly!

Note: This post is contributed by a reader. It's a twist on the other posts in this series, and I think you'll find out why as your read. Keep an open mind, and please let me know what you think.

1. How do you affiliate Jewishly? Feel free to elaborate on the words people use to describe you and the words you use to describe yourself.
I am a proud product of the Reform movement. However, my personal praxis causes confusion to folks on both sides of the aisle. My parents raised us with the understanding that Reform Judaism is not an excuse to do nothing. Rather, they taught us that Reform theology and philosophy demands of us a Jewish behavior that is refracted through a modern lens. For example, did we drive on Shabbos? Yes. To shul. And as we grew older, we were able to participate in select activities after Shabbos dinner with the family. Unfortunately, most Reform Jews are not schooled in the core principles of Reform Judaism and opt out of nearly all rituals. But since my general outlook is progressive and egalitarian, I don’t really fit in communities to the right. As a result, I continuously feel out-of-step.

2. Growing up, did your mother or grandmother dress modestly in any way? Do you think modesty was something instilled in you by your family? Did you dress modestly growing up?
I do not believe that my Grandmother, z"l, EVER wore slacks to shul. She would wear them out of the house, but never any immodest style. Though there are certain boundaries as far as what she would at shul, most of her daily clothing choices are not ones that I would make and often make me uncomfortable. I've always dressed more on the conservative side. In the past few years, it has become more important for me to dress modestly. I have often been envious of others whose clothing identifies them religiously.

3. Are you married? How does your spouse feel about your choices for modest dress? Is it a dialogue or does your partner leave the mitzvah to you?
Not much of a dialogue. My husband, quite honestly, would prefer me to dress less modestly. His family is far less observant than mine and he has had to make a lot of adjustments these past fifteen years. Most of them, he has made quite readily. Like most American men, however, he has what I see as a superficial notion of beauty. Less is more. Though I don’t have necklines up to my collarbone, I do believe that more is more. As for head covering, I’d do it in a heartbeat! But for the sake of shalom bayit [peace at home, domestic peace], kissui rosh [head covering] continues to be a “not-yet” mitzvah.

4. What would you wear on a typical day? On Shabbos? If you dress differently on weekdays and Shabbos, why do you make this distinction and how?
Last August, I stopped wearing pants. I didn’t make a big deal about it. No announcement or proclamation. I cannot even say that it was as a result of anything other than I’d been thinking about it for a long time and just did it. I’ve gotten a lot of inspiration and support from some bloggers.

Interestingly, no one has noticed the absence of pants. So skirts are my weekday wear and either dresses or skirt suits for Shabbos.

5. What do you think other people infer from your clothing and hair covering choices? Has anyone ever said anything to you outright that expresses a judgment based on your appearance? (Ex: “You don’t cover your hair or wear skirts, so why do you keep kosher?”)
The few times I’ve covered my hair with a cute hat, I’ve received some comments from congregants. Definitely judgemental. “What, are you frum?” I just smile and remind them that Reform ideology allows for a wide range of practices. Which makes it particularly frustrating those times that I have had to defend my choice to some close-minded rabbinic colleagues who think dressing modestly is incongruous with Reform Judaism.

6. Have you ever surprised someone by dressing more or less modestly and making them rethink their stereotypes about what it means to be an observant Jew?
I think that by dressing modestly, I most definitely make folks rethink their stereotypes about what it means to be a liberal observant Jew. I’m a constant surprise.

7. When you see someone who observes tzniut differently than you, what are your initial thoughts? How do you deal with them?
I have yet to find anyone in my community who observes any level of tzniut. As a matter of course, I discuss issues of modesty with the girls in our seventh grade class as well as those in our 10th grade Confirmation class. Mostly in reaction to some of the shockingly short skirts they’ve been wearing.

8. I say modesty or tzniut … what does that mean to you?
It’s more than a simple choice in clothing. Tzniut dictates appearance, actions, and speech. An individual who expresses devotion to God by dressing and behaving in a way that brings honour to our people.

9. Anything else you’d like to add about your choices, experiences, and more!
Though this is not my impetus for dressing modestly, I have discovered that I feel more feminine when having to think about what and why I am wearing certain things.

One Year Down ... Marriage!

Tuvia and I spent Memorial Day weekend in the Poconos to celebrate our one-year anniversary, which was Memorial Day last year, but in 2010 it was May 31. Oh the confusion of U.S. holidays.

The Hebrew date -- 18 Sivan -- falls on June 20, for those keeping score at home. So, in a way, it's like a month of anniversary awesomeness! Except, of course, for the fact that I'm going to be in Israel for that entire month starting late Sunday night.

At least, for us, we had the weekend!


Monday, May 30, 2011

The Tzniut Project 9: Letter and Spirit of the Law

This is the ninth in a multi-part series called The Tzniut Project. Women from a variety of backgrounds with a variety of observances have volunteered to anonymously answer questions that I have written about their practices, people's assumptions, and more. For more information on the project, click here. Please continue to check back with The Tzniut Project to read more stories and comment abundantly!

Note: This post is contributed by a reader.


1. How do you affiliate Jewishly? Feel free to elaborate on the words people use to describe you and the words you use to describe yourself.
I would call myself Modern Orthodox and Daati Leumi (religious Zionist). I also identify with being ba'alat teshuva, a person who grew up unobservant and who took upon herself to observe halacha.

2. Growing up, did your mother or grandmother dress modestly in any way? Do you think modesty was something instilled in you by your family? Did you dress modestly growing up?
Modesty in a more general sense as a quality of personal character was instilled in me by my family. As a child and a teenager, I dressed on the more conservative side with regard to my peers. This was of course without regard to halacha, but rather just out of my own sense of what was comfortable, appropriate, and sometimes simply because I wasn't so confident in how I looked.

3. Are you married? How does your spouse feel about your choices for modest dress? Is it a dialogue or does your partner leave the mitzvah to you?
I got married very recently. Tzniut, including dress and haircovering, has occasionally been a point of discussion, but mostly my husband leaves the choices up to me. I know that he appreciates that my body is not on display for the whole world to see.

4. What would you wear on a typical day? On Shabbos? If you dress differently on weekdays and Shabbos, why do you make this distinction and how?
On a typical day I wear a knee-length skirt. In the winter I wear a skirt down to my ankles, usually with sweatpants underneath (it's like wearing pajamas all day long but still looking nice!) When I'm exercising I wear pants or tights with one of these skirts I bought that's meant for exercising in (probably a tennis skirt). It's my compromise between following the opinion that pants are okay for working out in, my own personal belief that pants are often more modest than a skirt, reasoning that the skirt covers the most important areas and also that it identifies that outfit as female (to address the cross-dressing argument for not wearing pants). In the summer though, I really suffer in the heat and don't like wearing two layers. I have occasionally worn just pants, especially when jogging in non-religious neighborhoods, because it's far from the most scandalous outfit around.

5. What do you think other people infer from your clothing and hair covering choices? Has anyone ever said anything to you outright that expresses a judgment based on your appearance? (Ex: “You don’t cover your hair or wear skirts, so why do you keep kosher?”)
I think about this a lot. I wish that I cared less about what other people thought, but it's so much of being human. Plus, a lot of tzniut halacha is community-based. So, from a halachic perspective, you sort of have to care.

I try to convey the image of modern but frum. I bike to work in a skirt (shorts underneath), tails of my mitpachat flapping in the wind.

I live in Israel, and Jerusalem at that, so if I wear a skirt or a headcovering, almost everyone would interpret that as a symbol that I'm an observant Jew. If I were back in the U.S., that part would be different. Here it also makes a statement about what kind of Jew I am.

I've walked through Haredi (ultra-Orthodox) neighborhoods wearing a knee-length jean skirt and a top with bright colors and feeling downright provocative. On the other hand, I've noticed that non-religious male cashiers will sometimes put the change down instead of handing it to me -- figuring that I'm so frum that I won't want to touch them. Everything is relative, really.

6. Have you ever surprised someone by dressing more or less modestly and making them rethink their stereotypes about what it means to be an observant Jew?
I don't think so. I think of my Jewish dress code of wearing skirts (except for certain limited sporting activities) as similar to men wearing a kippah. It's a statement that I'm a Jew.

Probably the most surprising thing that I've done in this realm that I'm aware of is to cover my hair. I wrote a blog post about my gripes about the practice, and after reading it, most people who know me naturally thought that I wouldn't follow through and do it. I'm still in the process of clarifying my thoughts on this matter. Although I'd like to act according to my way of following halacha, here is an instance in which I look elsewhere, because the halacha is unclear to me (and I don't have a rabbi to ask right now, and I'm not sure I want to ask a rabbi about this). Simply, my female religious role models cover their hair, as do most women in the communities in which I identify. I would like to identify and be identified with them.

7. When you see someone who observes tzniut differently than you, what are your initial thoughts? How do you deal with them?
I always try to recognize that it's not a simple matter. I try to be careful to note that how a person dresses is that -- how they dress. For instance, just because I see a woman who is dressed tznuah eating in a restaurant, I will not assume that the restaurant is kosher. I'll figure that there is a good chance it is, sure, but I won't jump to a conclusion.

The truth is that I definitely judge other people and other Jews by what they do or don't wear. I don't particularly like it, but I can't help it. I automatically assume that a woman that covers every inch of her hair is a very religious woman, even though I recognize intellectually that tzniut or a way of dressing, is a way of relating oneself and/or to God, or maybe it's just to fit in socially. It doesn't make someone actually more religious.

8. I say modesty or tzniut … what does that mean to you?
It means preserving a sense of self, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I don't show off my whole body; I don't pour out all of my thoughts and emotions without a filter. And yes, I also think that today it means the length of your sleeves, as silly as that may be.

9. Anything else you’d like to add about your choices, experiences, and more!
Something I see a lot of, especially in the United States, is women who have all the right parts covered, but they're wearing a material or a cut that is so sexy that it's really not tznua. I believe that details such as sleeve length were meant to be guidelines that keep focus in the right area, but just as with any piece of halacha, one can keep the letter, but not the spirit of the law.

On another note, I've met mothers who have told me that they won't let their children eat in the homes of friends whose mothers don't cover their hair. I find this totally preposterous!

Lastly, I want to share a gripe that tzniut has been explained to me as a way to keep men away from temptation. I don't buy it. Before I was observant, I noticed that there were many days that I wore more covering clothing such as a turtleneck and received unexpected additional male attention. Men need to be responsible for themselves.

Sunday, May 29, 2011

The Tzniut Project 8: Giving Kavod to Shabbos

This is the eighth in a multi-part series called The Tzniut Project. Women from a variety of backgrounds with a variety of observances have volunteered to anonymously answer questions that I have written about their practices, people's assumptions, and more. For more information on the project, click here. Please continue to check back with The Tzniut Project to read more stories and comment abundantly!

Note: This post is contributed by a reader.


1. How do you affiliate Jewishly? Feel free to elaborate on the words people use to describe you and the words you use to describe yourself. 
I would probably define myself as Modern Orthodox.  I grew up conservative but attending a (non-New York) Orthodox synagogue -- although probably only a handful of families were 100 percent Orthodox. In high school started to become more observant (NCSY) and then went to Stern College. While at Stern and for about five years after, I was identifying as more right-wing in my views/observance, but I've gradually drifted to a more Modern Orthodox hashkafa (during the past 20 years).

2. Growing up, did your mother or grandmother dress modestly in any way? Do you think modesty was something instilled in you by your family? Did you dress modestly growing up? 
Although there were no overt religious influences regarding modest dress, I would definitely say that my mother never dressed in tight-fitting clothing or plunging necklines. And that way of dress certainly was a model for me.  Although I (and my mother) wore pants and sleeveless tops growing up, again it wasn't anything that was too flashy/sexual.  I do remember in the late 1960s when I was 5- to 10-years-old, what hemline length was acceptable in skirts/dresses -- this was when mini-dresses were in fashion -- was a frequent discussion. I guess the message was that one could wear them after a fashion, if they were just slightly short without looking trashy.

3. Are you married? How does your spouse feel about your choices for modest dress? Is it a dialogue or does your partner leave the mitzvah to you? 
I'm not married ... when I've been in relationships, sleeve length/neckline definitely hasn't been an issue.  Occasionally pants versus skirts has come up.  But I definitely wouldn't say that's been a deal breaker!  Although it does irk me (greatly) that every shadchan/dating service geared to Orthodox people, asks (of women) if they wear pants and if they plan on covering their hair (and usually that's all they ask in regard to religious practice) -- as if these two issues define a person's hashkafa and practice of Judaism.

4. What would you wear on a typical day? On Shabbos? If you dress differently on weekdays and Shabbos, why do you make this distinction and how? 
I'm currently in a skirt-wearing phase (I've gone back and forth re: pants versus skirts vis a vis tzinut) so I must say there's not much difference in my dress between weekday and Shabbat.  I try to wear nicer/newer clothing on Shabbat but can't say I'm very strict about this.  The reason I think to wear nicer/newer clothing on Shabbat is to make Shabbat more special, to give it kavod (honor).  In warm weather I will go to synagogue without hose. I usually wear sleeves of some kind but am not strict on length nor on neckline.

5. What do you think other people infer from your clothing and hair covering choices? Has anyone ever said anything to you outright that expresses a judgment based on your appearance? (Ex: “You don’t cover your hair or wear skirts, so why do you keep kosher?”) 
I definitely think people in the Orthodox world make assumptions/judgements based on if a woman is wearing pants or skirts or (if married) covers her hair (and how) or doesn't.  And I must admit to being guilty of the same.  I think this is especially true in the metro-NY area ... I think in a smaller community, these differences wouldn't matter as much.  And people have definitely expressed surprise that I attend/support women's tefilla groups and more egalitarian Shabbat morning services based on, among other things, my dress.  And people have assumed that I'm not as committed to keeping the (minor) fast days ... and I would guess that assumption is in large part because of wearing skirts only.

6. Have you ever surprised someone by dressing more or less modestly and making them rethink their stereotypes about what it means to be an observant Jew? 
Occasionally non-Jewish co-workers will be surprised at the shortness of a skirt (top of the knee) ... I work in an office owned and run by observant Jews, many chasidish.

7. When you see someone who observes tzniut differently than you, what are your initial thoughts? How do you deal with them? 
As mentioned above, I would say I usually make an assumption based on how someone is dressed ... but I also think I'm easily dissuaded of that impression if the persons actions/words don't jive with my impression.  Certainly the person who I find out has thought about how and why they dress, even if it's different than me, impresses me ... and I'm happy to have that exposure (to their thinking).

8. I say modesty or tzniut … what does that mean to you? 
I think it means dressing fashionably but not overly sexual.  I think of tzniut also as a way of conduct -- and I could be totally wrong here -- but to me there's a connection between untzinut and chillul hashem.

9. Anything else you’d like to add about your choices, experiences, and more!
N/A

Friday, May 27, 2011

A Head Covering Giveaway!


The folks over at HairCoverings.com were kind enough to send me one of their amazingly lightweight berets to take on a test-drive. When it first arrived, my initial thought was: Turquoise? Me? Really? Never! But then I put it on, and I was really jazzed with the color and I've probably worn it four or five times in the past week and a half! I'm huge on these kind of hats, and in the winter I live in knit hats, so a lightweight version for summer really sang to me!

And now for the super-stellar part in which you guys get a chance to win a $25 Box of Surprise Hair Accessories! And better news is that the box can be shipped worldwide!

All you have to do is visit www.HairCoverings.com and write a comment here on the blog on which items you would love to have!


If you want additional entries, you have some options, and all you have to do is post here (honor system) where else you posted.

Remember: All you have to do to enter is comment here, but if you want extra entries, be sure to do those extra things!


CONTEST CLOSES on WEDNESDAY, JUNE 1, 2011 at 8 PM!

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Update: The Katz Family Torah!

I wrote -- not that long ago -- about a a sefer Torah that my dear husband found while organizing a family member's house. The sefer needed some work, and we were overwhelmed by the cost, so I put out a call to my readers and friends to help us fund the repair work that will run us anywhere between $2,100 to $3,400.

I was amazed at the instant reaction. We had five donors give $263, and, to our utter happiness, a family member has agreed to foot the rest of the bill. We're fixing up the sefer, replacing the etz chayim, and getting a new mantel for it, too. We're trying to find a way to store it in the new house, because we haven't had luck finding a local shul to take it on. Again, if anyone in the NY-NJ-CT-PA area needs one for their shul, still, let us know!

And THANK YOU so much to those who donated to this amazing mitzvah.

The Tzniut Project 7: Being Attractive, Not Attracting

This is the seventh in a multi-part series called The Tzniut Project. Women from a variety of backgrounds with a variety of observances have volunteered to anonymously answer questions that I have written about their practices, people's assumptions, and more. For more information on the project, click here. Please continue to check back with The Tzniut Project to read more stories and comment abundantly!

Note: This post is contributed by a reader.


1. How do you affiliate Jewishly? Feel free to elaborate on the words people use to describe you and the words you use to describe yourself.
I would say that I am Centerist Modern Orthodox. I only wear skirts, cover my knees, elbows, and collarbone. In terms of hair coverings, I wear a combination of sheitals/falls everyday (I have 3 that I rotate). I cover my hair with a tichel when I work out at the gym, but I still wear a skirt and long sleeves there (and I definitely feel like I stand out!) I have a modest personal style blog, which some may say is not very tzanua considering I post pictures of what I wear everyday, but my goal is to show that modest dress can be fashionable and doesn't have to be frumpy or unflattering. All the time people tell me that I give a 'tznius way of dressing' a better name because I do it with my own personal style and flair.

2. Growing up, did your mother or grandmother dress modestly in any way? Do you think modesty was something instilled in you by your family? Did you dress modestly growing up?
As I am a baalas teshuva, my mother does not conform to the tradition definition of 'tznius.' That being said, I don't think I have ever seen my mother in something overtly revealing. Even though my parents live in SW Florida, my mother doesn't wear shorts, she prefers capri pants. She does wear sleeveless and short sleeve shirts, but nothing tight and the sleeveless shirts only reveal a bit of her shoulder. She likes her clothes to fit well, but not be body-hugging. My mother instilled in me the virtue of covering up to attract the right type of attention. She told me that it was important to let people see my personality first and too much of my body. I went through a period in high school where I wore halter tops and tight jeans. I was never fully comfortable with myself when I dressed like that.

3. Are you married? How does your spouse feel about your choices for modest dress? Is it a dialogue or does your partner leave the mitzvah to you?
I am happily married, Baruch Hashem! My husband likes the way I dress and leaves all modest decisions up to me. Sometimes he jokes that it would be nice if I wore lower cut tops (not cleavage baring, just lower), but then I remind him that I cover up my body out of respect for him, and I know that that is important to him. We've talked about certain aspects of tznius together, but in the end it has been my choice.

4. What would you wear on a typical day? On Shabbos? If you dress differently on weekdays and Shabbos, why do you make this distinction and how?
On a typical day I wear a high neck undershirt, some sort of nice shirt or sweater, a skirt, a fun necklace (I am really into fun accessories), and a cute pair of shoes. On Shabbos I tend to wear much fancier clothes to enhance the kedusha of Shabbos. During the week, I wear my two falls (either my hat fall with a hat or scarf, or my full fall with a bit of bangs pulled out to look more natural) and on Shabbos I tend to wear my full sheital. I will admit that I dress up more that the normal person during the week. I feel better about myself when I feel confident about the way I look. On Shabbos I dress up more than usual. I wear heels, put on more makeup, wear my nicest clothes. I feel that dressing up more for Shabbos is a big part of lichvod haShabbos.

5. What do you think other people infer from your clothing and hair covering choices? Has anyone ever said anything to you outright that expresses a judgment based on your appearance? (Ex: “You don’t cover your hair or wear skirts, so why do you keep kosher?”)
People definitely infer that I am an Orthodox Jew and that I am Shomer Mitzvos. However, I know that I stand out in certain settings because I am not afraid to wear bold colors and accessories. People ask me all the time on the streets of Manhattan where certain kosher restaurants are, where shuls are, which bus to take to certain Jewish neighborhoods/cities in NY and NJ, etc.

6. Have you ever surprised someone by dressing more or less modestly and making them rethink their stereotypes about what it means to be an observant Jew?
I know that I have surprise many people, men and women alike, because I stretch the parameters of traditional tznius. I want people to understand that being tznius doesn't mean that you have to dress in a burlap sack or wear all black. I want to show Jews and Non-Jews that tznius can be fun and fashionable and something that people want to do, rather than feel like it is a restrictive set of rules that they have to follow. I want to break boundaries and show everyone that you can have your own personal style and still be tznius!

7. When you see someone who observes tzniut differently than you, what are your initial thoughts? How do you deal with them?
I always wonder what their rationale is for dressing the way that they do. I try my best to be free of judgement, however, I will admit that I am human and therefore I know that judgement is inevitable. I am mostly curious about why people choose what they choose. For example, if a woman wears skirts all the time and short sleeves, I am curious why she does that (aside from being a bit jealous since I am always boiling in the summer months!!). Or if someone wears pants but covers their hair a certain way, I really want to know why. (Although I am aware that hair covering and tznius, while related, are very different mitzvos). It is mostly just a sense of curiousity and wanting to learn about other people's Jewish journeys and identities.

8. I say modesty or tzniut … what does that mean to you?
To me, tznius means being attractive but not attracting. Tznius means taking pride in yourself and your image enough to want to cover it up so that it is special, but also being aware that the point is not to make you feel ugly or subjugated. Tznius is a way to show off your personality to others so that they see you for you and not a pile of body parts or a huge potato sack. Its a way to highlight your best features in a demure way and feel good about yourself.

9. Anything else you’d like to add about your choices, experiences, and more!
My journey has been a long and involved one. It took years for me to get comfortable with certain decisions and there were regressions along the way. My words of wisdom is take it one day at a time. If you are trying out skirts for the first time, don't go cold turkey or give yourself an ultimatum. If you want to wear pants the next day, wear pants. If not go another day in a skirt. Just take it slowly. If you go about it with the right frame of mind, it will stick and you will come to love your choices. If you approach it the wrong way, you will feel resentment and it will be given up sooner than you think. Go at your own personal speed and listen to yourself. Only you know whats right for you in your journey of being tznius.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Updates, Future Dates, and Some Sad Stuff

I hope you all have been enjoying The Tzniut Project -- and from the comments I've been getting on and off the blog, I'd have to say that the preliminary answer to that is yes. On that note, I really want to do a Men's Series on the same topic, with a few added/altered questions. Any volunteers? I'd probably start it up in about two weeks, so we've got time. If you're interested, shoot me an email!

In other news, I've been out and about around the web, and I hope you'll do some reading off-site.

I wrote a piece for Lubavitch.com about my Memories of Joplin, because, well, as you'll read there, I grew up there and everything that's been happening has been insanely emotional and devastating for me. If you click here, you'll see the Google Map of the tornado's path, and if you search for my childhood address (1921 East 33rd Street), you'll see that where I grew up is in the path. So, if you haven't already, please consider donating to the relief fund. The OU has set up a Disaster Fund for Joplin.

I also have a piece up on JDate.com in honor of the soon-to-come One-Year Anniversary of being all married and stuff. The piece is from my perspective, but in case you're new around here and haven't heard the story of how we met, it might be amusing for you. Man, I can't believe it's been almost a year; it feels like just yesterday. We made it!

Stay tuned for some real and meaty posts about the reason I have been MIA aside from The Tzniut Project posts. I'll cheat and tell you where I've been: At an iCenter Fellows meeting in Oak Brook, IL. And as a further teaser, the hotel we're staying in is on Hamburger University Campus (yes, that's McDonald's) and everything here is laden with McDonald's propaganda. I feel dirty.

And sad. I just found a street-map of the skating rink I wrote about in the Lubavitch article. Keeley's. The name was Keeley's. Sigh ... 


Note: I will be in Israel from June 6-23 most likely. Will need some meals and things, and I'll be in Jerusalem for the trip. Wahoooo! Let me know if you'd like me to crash your Shabbos table.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

The Tzniut Project 6: My Body, My Observance

This is the sixth in a multi-part series called The Tzniut Project. Women from a variety of backgrounds with a variety of observances have volunteered to anonymously answer questions that I have written about their practices, people's assumptions, and more. For more information on the project, click here. Please continue to check back with The Tzniut Project to read more stories and comment abundantly!

Note: This post is contributed by a reader.

How do you affiliate Jewishly? Feel free to elaborate on the words people use to describe you and the words you use to describe yourself.
I grew up in a secular Israeli household. When my parents embraced religious observance, they affiliated themselves (and by extension, my siblings and me) with Chabad Lubavitch. (I was 8 or 9 at the time.) Though I have an appreciation for Lubavitch, today I consider myself “modern Orthodox.”

Growing up, did your mother or grandmother dress modestly in any way? Do you think modesty was something instilled in you by your family? Did you dress modestly growing up?
Until I was 8 or 9, there weren’t any rules vis-à-vis dress and modesty. I have pictures of my mom riding a horse wearing cut-off jeans and a bathing-suit – wind blowing through her hair. When they became Chabad, almost overnight my jeans were thrown out, as were my short-sleeve to-shirts and short socks. They were replaced with long skirts, shirts with ¾-length or long sleeves and knee-high socks. The one exception was that I could wear sweat-pants as PJs. My mother, too, got rid of most of her wardrobe, replaced it all with long skirts and long sleeves. She also bought a bunch of tichels (kerchiefs) and a sheitel (wig). My grandmothers both passed away before I was born – but in pictures they are dressed modestly.

Are you married? How does your spouse feel about your choices for modest dress? Is it a dialogue or does your partner leave the mitzvah to you?
I am married – for 12 years now. When we got married, we had the conversation about hair-covering. The answer was that it would be left entirely up to me – even though he preferred that I cover my hair. But the bottom line was that it was my body and my observance. I decided to cover my hair from the start – because I know if I didn’t start covering my hair, I would likely never take on the observance down the road. The caveat is that I have incorporated more “heterim” than probably halachically permissible (i.e., I don’t cover my hair at home regardless of who is at my house, nor do I cover my hair outside when I’m on my own property). Same is true when I am at my parents’ or inlaws’ home. I always cover my hair when I’m in the real public domain (kids’ school, work, the mall, etc. etc. etc….) The other loophole is that I don’t cover all my hair (i.e., I will tie on a bandana or throw on a baseball cap – and whatever hangs out, hangs out). I do not own a sheitel – that’s not for halachic or hashkafic reasons – it’s more that the idea of having someone else’s hair on mine kind of grosses me out.

As for the rest of my dress – I don’t dress any differently now than I did before we got married. Again, my body, my observance. When the mood strikes me, I will wear jeans and short sleeves – and I will go mixed swimming. And it’s not a contentious issue in our home. Though again, I think he would prefer if I gave up jeans.

What would you wear on a typical day? On Shabbos? If you dress differently on weekdays and Shabbos, why do you make this distinction and how?
On a typical day, I dress casual to business casual. It just depends on what’s going on at work or what’s doing that evening. For Shabbos, I will only wear a nicer skirt/dress, even if I don’t go to shul and even if I’m going for a long walk. It’s to honor the spirit of the day.

What do you think other people infer from your clothing and hair covering choices? Has anyone ever said anything to you outright that expresses a judgment based on your appearance? (Ex: “You don’t cover your hair or wear skirts, so why do you keep kosher?”)
I used to get the “why do you cover your hair but wear pants” – but that combination has now become more commonplace for women in general. I don’t believe there are contradictions in observance – it doesn’t take away from someone’s observance of Shabbat or kashrut or bikkur cholim or tzedakkah or (I can keep going) just because their elbows or knees or hair are showing – and vice versa. I think you have to meet people where they are and applaud them for what they’re doing – not criticize them for what they’re not. (And if you’re comfortable and you think they’d be receptive, encourage them to explore the possibilities of doing more.)

Have you ever surprised someone by dressing more or less modestly and making them rethink their stereotypes about what it means to be an observant Jew?
I’m sure that is often the case. I work for a very liberal Jewish organization and many who I have crossed paths with have preconceived notions of what it is to be/look Orthodox.

When you see someone who observes tzniut differently than you, what are your initial thoughts? How do you deal with them?
Deal with “them” my thoughts? Or “them” the person? I guess the answer is the same: to each their own. Except for when I see small children wearing thick tights in the heat of the summer. There seems to be something incredibly unfair about that – and my feeling is that that crosses the line of what halacha requires of us.

I say modesty or tzniut … what does that mean to you?
To me, modesty implies a level of humility. Tzniut implies the halachic norms (wherever you may be) that requires a woman to dress a certain way.

Also, often when I hear the word “tzniut” I think of it as a euphemism that helps keep women invisible. And so many of these women who are rendered invisible then talk about all of their inner beauty. To me, that doesn’t feel very modest either…

Anything else you’d like to add about your choices, experiences, and more!
Here’s what I’ve learned over the years:

When I’m with more charedi/ultra-Orthodox folks, I’ve learned that people care less about what’s in my head as long as there is something on it.
Just because your sleeves reach your wrists, your hem to your ankles and your snood goes to your eyebrows, it doesn’t make you a real tzadekes.
I thought that having kids would make me reconsider my thoughts about what I wear and how I cover my hair and that I would consider a more “tzanua” style of dress. But the very acts of the labor and birthing processes have stripped away (!!!) my entire sense of personal tzniut.


Monday, May 23, 2011

The Tzniut Project 5: Women I Respect Are Doing It

This is the fifth in a multi-part series called The Tzniut Project. Women from a variety of backgrounds with a variety of observances have volunteered to anonymously answer questions that I have written about their practices, people's assumptions, and more. For more information on the project, click here. Please continue to check back with The Tzniut Project to read more stories and comment abundantly!

Note: This post is contributed by a reader.


1. How do you affiliate Jewishly? Feel free to elaborate on the words people use to describe you and the words you use to describe yourself. 
Orthodox Religious Zionist. I don't think "Modern Orthodox" really fits in Israel. Not חרד"ל. Every time I've been to shul in America, I was identified as Israeli.

2. Growing up, did your mother or grandmother dress modestly in any way? Do you think modesty was something instilled in you by your family? Did you dress modestly growing up? 
I am a convert; my family was non-affiliated from a Protestant background. My mother, who was a professional fashion seamstress, was always of the opinion that the artful conceal was more becoming than the reveal. She NEVER would have said, "If you've got it, flaunt it;" flaunting was considered tacky and low-class, worse, inappropriate for most situations. She would wear short-sleeved and sleeveless things, but never anything tight. She would wear slacks, but never jeans. As a child, I judged clothes by their appropriateness for tree climbing and did not favor skirts. In the 1960s, it was not allowed to wear pants in public school. My mother made me sets of matching bell-bottomed slacks and zip-up jumpers to wear to school, so I would not feel too restricted. In retrospect, this would be very acceptable dati-leumi [national-religious] garb today.

3. Are you married? How does your spouse feel about your choices for modest dress? Is it a dialogue or does your partner leave the mitzvah to you? 
I am married. My husband generally likes my choice of dress. We do discuss what he finds attractive and what seems appropriate modesty-wise to both of us. He really hates wigs, in principle and in appearance, so I would never wear one no matter how bored I got with my other headcoverings.

4. What would you wear on a typical day? On Shabbos? If you dress differently on weekdays and Shabbos, why do you make this distinction and how? 
I usually wear a cotton-poly shirt with 3/4 or long sleeves and a skirt. I used to wear only long skirts, but under the influence of my married daughter, I have started wearing "sharwallim" or footless tights under knee-length skirts. I cover my hair with a beret nowadays, but I have shifted from scarves to hats and back again. I usually wear my bangs out, although when I had long hair, sometimes I would wear a scarf with the end of my braid out, bangs in. For several years, I had a physically draining job in which I worked Fridays, coming home right before Shabbat. When it was just the family, I would get out of the bath and into a sweatsuit. After some persistent encouragement from my husband, I got some better-looking "sharwallim" to wear with shirts and tunics -- something in which I could collapse when the need arose. I don't work there anymore, but I still like something soft and comfortable -- if Shabbati -- for Friday nights. During the day, I'm more likely to wear a long skirt; something more dressy than my weekly outfits.

5. What do you think other people infer from your clothing and hair covering choices? Has anyone ever said anything to you outright that expresses a judgment based on your appearance? (Ex: “You don’t cover your hair or wear skirts, so why do you keep kosher?”) 
People assume I'm religious but not Haredi. People (including haredim) ask me all the time what direction in which to daven, whose kashrut "holds" in a cafeteria or restaurant, even if they don't know me. Where I live, Sefardi women I don't even know ask me what time the mikvah opens or how short they need to cut their nails.

6. Have you ever surprised someone by dressing more or less modestly and making them rethink their stereotypes about what it means to be an observant Jew? 
I think that may be one of the reasons I've started wearing pants with tunics and under skirts. More and more women I respect are doing it, it looks good on me, and I feel covered up. I don't climb trees much anymore, but I like to be free to do some spontaneous yoga stretches in private. Also, I find I rather like stating in my dress that I am not haredi.

7. When you see someone who observes tzniut differently than you, what are your initial thoughts? How do you deal with them? 
Over the years, I have become much less judgemental regarding religious women in slacks (without skirts), not covering their hair, or wearing only a haircovering that is largely symbolic. I think that this is a healthy sign, young religious women who probably would not otherwise cover their hair, doing it as a sign of identifying as a married religious woman. It is offputting to me when women and girls who dress more "to the right" do so in ways that are dowdy. It really bugs me when they wear calf-length skirts and sit so that I can see their half-hose underneath. I was raised to think that showing your half-hose was tacky. ("Half-hose for half-wits,"as my sister used to say.) Why make a fuss about wearing socks under your skirt if you're only going to be tacky about it? Knee socks don't bother me that way. I've seen a lot of ladies with the "shalim" and a few Jewish burkha ladies, and it annoys me. A very attention-getting way of declaring your tzniut.

8. I say modesty or tzniut … what does that mean to you? 
Not drawing attention by being flashy or too declarative. Not dressing to offend or to be a public spectacle. Keeping my body private.

9. Anything else you’d like to add about your choices, experiences, and more! 
I started coloring my graying hair because I met several hijab-wearing Moslem ladies who kept their hair stylishly cut, with highlights. There seemed to be something seriously wrong with looking gray and shaggy for my husband and family, but well-groomed for everybody else. I have also been asked by Moslem women how exactly I tied my scarves.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

The Tzniut Project 4: Wanting to Feel Elegant

This is the fourth in a multi-part series called The Tzniut Project. Women from a variety of backgrounds with a variety of observances have volunteered to anonymously answer questions that I have written about their practices, people's assumptions, and more. For more information on the project, click here. Please continue to check back with The Tzniut Project to read more stories and comment abundantly!

Note: This post is contributed by a reader.!


1. How do you affiliate Jewishly? Feel free to elaborate on the words people use to describe you and the words you use to describe yourself.
I would say I affiliate Conservadox, meaning I use halacha to govern my life but also am very liberal and see Judaism in a egalitarian way. I see the beauty and importance of women in Judaism and it is separate from the way that men experience it but not lesser. In high school my friends called me "Super Jew" but I think it was because I just loved Judaism so much, and they weren't very observant, and I was. They saw Shabbos as a task or obligation and I saw it as beautiful and spiritual.

2. Growing up, did your mother or grandmother dress modestly in any way? Do you think modesty was something instilled in you by your family? Did you dress modestly growing up? 
Not at all, I mean my mother dresssed and still dresses with the times: short skirts, cleavage, pants, but she doesn't dress like a hooker or anything. Another factor was that I was raised Catholic.

3. Are you married? How does your spouse feel about your choices for modest dress? Is it a dialogue or does your partner leave the mitzvah to you? 
I am married very very happily. My husband being basically atheist looks at me like I'm silly when I am concerned about my modesty, but when I explain it to him I think he is pretty appreciative.

4. What would you wear on a typical day? On Shabbos? If you dress differently on weekdays and Shabbos, why do you make this distinction and how?
A typical day is jeans and a T-shirt , or tank and sweater, or skirt and T-shirt or tank and sweater. Shabbos is a nice skirt and blouse or dress, I dont feel like pants are appropriate on Shabbos. I want to feel elegant and beautiful to honor Shabbos.

5. What do you think other people infer from your clothing and hair covering choices? Has anyone ever said anything to you outright that expresses a judgment based on your appearance? (Ex: “You don’t cover your hair or wear skirts, so why do you keep kosher?”)
I really have no idea what people might infer from the way I dress and my hair covering choice (which is tichel 98 percent of the time). Maybe that I'm Muslim because I have a fairly tan complexion as I am half Puertorican and half Mexican? Maybe that I'm some sort of hippie chick? Not really sure. In high school when I started experimenting with observance I felt that some people might have had the opinion that I was not genuine because of my being a convert, like maybe I was trying to show that I was Jewish, and it was just a show. But I haven't ever had any outright comments.

6. Have you ever surprised someone by dressing more or less modestly and making them rethink their stereotypes about what it means to be an observant Jew?
I'm not sure; maybe. I live in a place where there are not very many Jews, and the fact that I am a Jew probably is unknown.

7. When you see someone who observes tzniut differently than you, what are your initial thoughts? How do you deal with them?
Honestly I think NEAT. If they are more strict then I am I think about how they do it, why they do it, and what it means to them to do it. If they are less [strict] I think pretty much the same thing, and if they are doing something particularly pretty how I can replicate it.

8. I say modesty or tzniut … what does that mean to you? 
Respect. Respect for myself and husband. Keeping myself special for our marriage and our marriage alone. Also, making it easier to live in modern society not having to worry about men ogling me and my goodies just makes me more comfortable.

9. Anything else you’d like to add about your choices, experiences, and more! 
My choices in observance, especially of tzniut, have been an ongoing process, learning what I am comfortable with and adding and or subtracting. Figuring out how to deal in the work place and around family. My experience has been that modesty is awesome, and I hope to teach my daughter that.

Friday, May 20, 2011

What is Good Israel Education?

Usually, when one crowdsources something, it's on Facebook or Twitter because answers are quick, immediate, short and to the point. But I thought I'd give it a go here. For those who have zero clue what I mean when I say crowdsource, here's the quick gist.
Crowdsourcing is a neologistic compound of Crowd and Outsourcing for the act of taking tasks traditionally performed by an employee or contractor, and outsourcing them to a group of people or community, through an "open call" to a large group of people (a crowd) asking for contributions.
So here's the question I have to ask:

What is Good Israel Education?

Feel free to interpret the question at your discretion. But your answers will be put to use. Ready? Go!

The Urge to Reach Out

So, I was at a store today picking up something I'd ordered online (a straight jean skirt that actually fits, yay DKNY!). The girl checking me out was awkward, but friendly. My Jew-dar failed me on this one, but I'll admit that my gay-dar is better than my Jew-dar.

I handed her my card to pay.

Clerk: How do you pronounce your name?
Me: Chaviva (emphasis on that chet, you know)
Clerk: Is that a Jewish name?
Me: Yup. It's Hebrew!
Clerk: Oh, neat. I'm Jewish, too.
Me: Ahh, nice.
Clerk: My Hebrew name is Sarah Rochel (yes, Rochel, not Rachel).
Me: That's a very traditional Hebrew name.
Clerk: Are you from Israel?
Me: Nope. My American name is Amanda, but I switched it to Chaviva, my Hebrew name, because they mean the same thing. I really identify with my Hebrew name.
Clerk: Oh.
Me: What's your English name?
Clerk: (smiling) Ashley
Me: (smile back)
Clerk: I've never been to Israel. I want to go.
Me: I'm going in two weeks! It will be my fourth trip. I think everyone should go once, no matter their religion. There's a lot of history there.
Clerk: Well, have a good trip.

As I walked away from the clerk, I had this urge to turn around and hand her my business card. I walked almost hesitatingly out of the store. I got in my car and thought to myself, This must be what Lubavitchers feel when they meet Jews and do the opposite of what I did, and act. 

Would it have been weird for me to give her my card? I sort of got the impression this girl was reaching out. She didn't appear to be observant, but she seemed to have this urgency in her voice. Should I have asked her if she's considered going on Birthright? She was probably in her mid-20s. I feel like I did her, and the Jewish people, a disservice by not doing or saying something.

What was I supposed to do? I don't know. But I felt this urge to reach out and light a fire in her neshama.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

The Tzniut Project 3: Feeling Good in One's Own Skin

This is the third in a multi-part series called The Tzniut Project. Women from a variety of backgrounds with a variety of observances have volunteered to anonymously answer questions that I have written about their practices, people's assumptions, and more. For more information on the project, click here. Please continue to check back with The Tzniut Project to read more stories and comment abundantly!

Note: This post is contributed by a reader, but I couldn't help but add a comment or two!


1. How do you affiliate Jewishly? Feel free to elaborate on the words people use to describe you and the words you use to describe yourself.
I grew up Reform, but am now leaning more toward traditional egalitarian. The minyan with which I attend services isn't affiliated with any denomination, and the people in the community range from Modern Orthodox to barely observant. I'm still working on becoming more observant ... it's a process. My immediate goal is to make being shomer Shabbat a priority and keeping hekhsher kosher at home.

2. Growing up, did your mother or grandmother dress modestly in any way? Do you think modesty was something instilled in you by your family? Did you dress modestly growing up? 
It wasn't really something anyone talked about. We all dressed fairly modestly by secular standards, but I wore tank tops and shorts as a kid when it was really hot. I always preferred the look and feel of long skirts, though.

3. Are you married? How does your spouse feel about your choices for modest dress? Is it a dialogue or does your partner leave the mitzvah to you? 
I'm not married, so I'm beholden to no one but myself. (Although if I did have a partner, I would hope they'd understand that modesty is a personal thing.) I think I might want to cover my hair if/when I get married. My family would be shocked, though.

4. What would you wear on a typical day? On Shabbos? If you dress differently on weekdays and Shabbos, why do you make this distinction and how? 
On an ordinary day, I'd wear a knee-length skirt or dress, knee socks if it's cold. I like my sleeves to be elbow-length or longer, though if it's really hot I'd wear a short-sleeved shirt. On Shabbat, it really depends. To services, I like to look nice and about the same level of covering. I'd definitely wear clean, nice clothes. I feel like it's disrespectful if I'm just schlepping around on Shabbos.

5. What do you think other people infer from your clothing and hair covering choices? Has anyone ever said anything to you outright that expresses a judgment based on your appearance? (Ex: “You don’t cover your hair or wear skirts, so why do you keep kosher?”)
Most of my very close friends aren't Jewish, let alone observant (though I do have plenty of Jewish friends who are), so they don't notice or care about anything related to tzniut. In my Jewish community, people are at all different levels and modes of observance, so no one asks any questions. Although I cover about the same as a Modern Orthodox Jew might, my general "look" doesn't really evoke Judaism as such. (I have a nose ring and very short, spiky hair.) Chavi's Note: So jealous. I've pondered a nose ring, and I often miss my short, spiky hair ... le sigh.

6. Have you ever surprised someone by dressing more or less modestly and making them rethink their stereotypes about what it means to be an observant Jew?
Once I went to a childhood friend's wedding (she's Chabad) and although I covered plenty (3/4-length shirt, ankle length skirt) I stuck out like a sore thumb. Yet everyone knew I was a Jew, just not observant like them. I don't really know what they though about me, though.

7. When you see someone who observes tzniut differently than you, what are your initial thoughts? How do you deal with them?
I know so many different kinds of Jews, so I know everyone has a different way of approaching modesty and other observances. That said, sometimes when I'm having a bad day, I judge people based on what they're wearing, if they show a ton of skin or whatever. I try not to, but sometimes I do.

8. I say modesty or tzniut … what does that mean to you?
Feeling good in one's own skin, honoring one's body because G-d made it, and treating yourself well. Dressing so that I'm not too body-conscious, but so that I still look and feel good.

9. Anything else you’d like to add about your choices, experiences, and more!
I read your piece on the hijab, and I just wanted to commiserate! Where I live, there's a huge Muslim population, and I see so many women at my university with these elegant hijabified outfits and I envy them. I wish we Jews could do something similar ... Chavi's Note: Amen. Here's the post to which the author/contributor refers.

Tzniut is not the most crucial part of my journey toward observance. It's important to me, but isn't difficult. A much greater struggle for me is keeping kosher and being shomer Shabbat. It's all a process; I try to remember that.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

The Tzniut Project 2: Making Snap Judgments

This is the second in a multi-part series called The Tzniut Project. Women from a variety of backgrounds with a variety of observances have volunteered to anonymously answer questions that I have written about their practices, people's assumptions, and more. For more information on the project, click here. Please continue to check back with The Tzniut Project to read more stories and comment abundantly!

Note: This post is contributed by a reader.



1. How do you affiliate Jewishly? Feel free to elaborate on the words people use to describe you and the words you use to describe yourself. 
Hard to put myself into a box. I guess people would call me yeshivish/frum/maybe even black hatter. But I think I am more of an MO [modern orthodox] orthofoxalicious chick, who borrows from right wing and left wing traditions ... to a certain extent.

2. Growing up, did your mother or grandmother dress modestly in any way? Do you think modesty was something instilled in you by your family? Did you dress modestly growing up? 
Growing up the women in my family wore pants, sleeveless shirts, shorts and didn't cover their heads. But there was a line you didn't cross. No micro-minis, no deep cleavage. I think it was instilled in me as a matter of self respect more than "modesty." Trashy girls wore miniskirts, not good girls.

3. Are you married? How does your spouse feel about your choices for modest dress? Is it a dialogue or does your partner leave the mitzvah to you?
It's very interesting. My husband couldn't care less if I covered my hair or not, but if I show my collarbone he's uncomfortable. Most of the time he says nothing because the argument isn't worth it.

4. What would you wear on a typical day? On Shabbos? If you dress differently on weekdays and Shabbos, why do you make this distinction and how? 
During the week I am in my denim skirts and T-shirts, on Shabbat I dress fancier -- out of respect for the holy day. If I go to shul I won't go bare-legged, but if I stay home I won't don panty hose.

5. What do you think other people infer from your clothing and hair covering choices? Has anyone ever said anything to you outright that expresses a judgment based on your appearance? (Ex: “You don’t cover your hair or wear skirts, so why do you keep kosher?”) 
I think when people see me they expect me to act a certain way -- not make a spectacle. They associate the wig and the modest dress with knowing how to behave in public. That being said, people do assume a certain way of thinking goes with the dress -- and I am somewhat of a feminist and that surprises people. Apparently if I wear a sheitel I am supposed to agree with everything my husband tells me, and do what I am told. The fact that I think for myself surprises those Jews who are much less observant.

6. Have you ever surprised someone by dressing more or less modestly and making them rethink their stereotypes about what it means to be an observant Jew? 
In the summer i tend to dress less modestly -- shorter sleeves, bare legs -- and there have been comments about being hypocritical.

7. When you see someone who observes tzniut differently than you, what are your initial thoughts? How do you deal with them? 
Honestly, Chaviva, this is a huge challenge for me. I judge. I see what I see, and I make snap judgments. This woman could be dressed the same way as I am, but I might look down on her for her bare legs, or hair showing under her bandanna. I might be envious of the trousers or the sleevless shirt, but there is always an initial feeling of superiority rearing its ugly head. I fight this daily.

8. I say modesty or tzniut … what does that mean to you? 
To me it's as much about behaving in an appropriate manner as it is about dressing modestly.

9. Anything else you’d like to add about your choices, experiences, and more!
[n/a]

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

The Tzniut Project 1: Knowing the Social Norm

This is the first in a multi-part series called The Tzniut Project. Women from a variety of backgrounds with a variety of observances have volunteered to anonymously answer questions that I have written about their practices, people's assumptions, and more. For more information on the project, click here. Please continue to check back with The Tzniut Project to read more stories and comment abundantly!

Note: This post is contributed by a reader



1. How do you affiliate Jewishly? Feel free to elaborate on the words people use to describe you and the words you use to describe yourself.
Modern orthodox. Modern in the sense that I live in the secular world, work in a "white collar" job, and interact with men on a daily basis. Orthodox in the sense that I care what halacha has to say, and that I try to go by halacha in everything I do (even if sometimes I pick and choose at my psakim).

2. Growing up, did your mother or grandmother dress modestly in any way? Do you think modesty was something instilled in you by your family? Did you dress modestly growing up?
My broader family dressed modestly and are very religious. My grandmother and aunts always wore skirts and sleeves, and one of my aunts also covered her hair. My mother dressed modestly in order to make sure that her family and her surroundings did not think badly of her and did not gossip about her, not necessarily because she believed in it. In fact, I think if she had the choice to she would have left a lot of the modest clothing by the wayside. I went to an orthodox girls' school and was required to wear skirts that covered the knees at all times, with no slits, shirts with sleeves till the elbows, and to always have my toes covered. I dressed modestly, most of the time according to school guidelines, even though there were some guidelines that I did not agree with or see the point of.

3. Are you married? How does your spouse feel about your choices for modest dress? Is it a dialogue or does your partner leave the mitzvah to you?
I am married. Before we got married, my husband and I learned together some of the various halachot relating to tzniut, particularly those pertaining to hair covering and discussed what we both felt comfortable with. Since then, the decisions on tzniut have been left to me, with my husband having the right to veto what I am wearing if he thinks it is too exposed, or if we are going to meet his family or friends and he would feel uncomfortable if I wore certain outfits in that company.

4. What would you wear on a typical day? On Shabbos? If you dress differently on weekdays and Shabbos, why do you make this distinction and how?
Typical day: Pants and T-shirt, or long skirt and T-shirt. T-shirt always has sleeves, but not necessarily down to my elbows or past them. Pants or skirt always get to knees and cover them when I am standing. I make sure that my shirts aren't low enough to show cleavage, and I try to make sure that this is kept also when I am bending and such, but that is not always the case. This is an issue that my husband comments on most frequently of all these types of issues. On Shabbat I always wear a skirt or dress, and a more elegant shirt. My hair is always covered, typically with a tichel or beret of sorts, and my bangs and/or ponytail sticking out. I don't allow my hair to get too long out of the head covering because then I feel it misses the purpose, but I most certainly do not cover every possible millimeter of it. I do not wear pants on Shabbat, because I feel they are inappropriate for shul, though I do consider them modest, and I feel I look more elegant in skirts and dresses and like to honor shabbat by looking more elegant.

5. What do you think other people infer from your clothing and hair covering choices? Has anyone ever said anything to you outright that expresses a judgment based on your appearance? (Ex: “You don’t cover your hair or wear skirts, so why do you keep kosher?”)
In Israel, people infer that I am religious Zionist, but as they say, not TOOO religious, since I wear pants. Someone once asked me, in a very inappropriate manner, "If you were pregnant and knew there was a problem with the baby, you would abort it no problem, right?" When I asked what made them say that they responded "Well, you wear pants and such so I figured you wouldn't ask rabbis about issues that are very personal and would affect your life, and about which halacha is very archaic. You would probably do what you want and only ask a rabbi when you thought you would hear the answer you want..."

In the states, people have a difficulty with the pants and head covering concept. I was once asked to bring a snack to my son's preschool (a kosher school) and was taken aside by one of the teachers to make sure I knew that the snack must have a Chaf-K or OU symbol on it. When I told her that of course I know this, after all I am frum and cover my hair, she said to me: "You wear pants and go to THAT shul, I wasn't sure if you were just covering your hair to respect the school or you are really frum." So yeah, people have definitely judged me based on my appearance.

6. Have you ever surprised someone by dressing more or less modestly and making them rethink their stereotypes about what it means to be an observant Jew?
Yes, as in both stories above. People were surprised to hear that halacha was important to me even though I wear pants and some of my hair sticks out of my tichel. I guess people think that if you don't go by the strictest halachic opinion, that means you are just doing what you feel like, and don't base your actions on halachic heterim, or permissions, given my other reliable rabbis.

7. When you see someone who observes tzniut differently than you, what are your initial thoughts? How do you deal with them?
I often wonder what psak they used to decide how they would dress, and if they are dressing that way because of knowledge of the various halachic opinions and a conscious decision to follow that halachic way, or they are being driven by the surrounding society and its expectations, or by what they feel is right without consulting any rabbinic authorities and/or without regard to such authorities.

8. I say modesty or tzniut … what does that mean to you?
Being dressed in a way that does not draw attention to you. This includes being covered in all the right places, but also other things such as not wearing shirts or dresses with strategically placed prints which draw attention to specific body parts and not wearing things that are too glitzy or glamorous, and would draw attention even though they are modest in length and what they cover. Also, after talking to several men who made it very clear to me that they cannot distinguish a sheitel from a woman's hair, and after seeing some sheitels that look ABSOLUTELY AMAZING, and realizing that you would never have a bad-hair-day in a sheitel, I also choose for it to be my modesty not to wear a sheitel but to wear something on my head that people can clearly identify as a covering and not mistake it for my hair.

That being said, I do see the usefulness in sheitels in situations where your work would not accept a tichel or hat, such as when a lawyer represents people in court. If I were ever to be in such a situation, I would of course opt for covering my hair using a sheitel rather than ignoring my belief that married women should show that they are married by covering their hair.

9. Anything else you’d like to add about your choices, experiences, and more!
To me, modesty is very much influenced by its social context. Not all of it of course, things like not wearing mini skirts or having very low neck lines seem pretty obvious and undebatable to me, particularly knowing what this does to men ... However, I feel that things like covering hair and sleeve length very much depend on a social context. Unless they live in Williamsburg or Meah Shearim, all men today see women with their hair uncovered on a daily basis, with this having no affect on their attraction to such women. Therefore, I don't think that women who do not cover their hair are doing so particularly to attract or seduce men, or that they are immodest in the fact that they do not cover their hair. On the other hand, social context should be used not only to allow ourselves to be more lenient in our interpretation of tzniut, but also, when necessary, to be more stringent in such interpretation. For example, just like no self-respecting woman would walk into a lawyer's office in a bikini and expect to be taken seriously, in social context where more stringent tzniut guidelines are expected, such as when visiting ultra-orthodox neighborhoods or yeshivas, I would expect women to dress according to the social norm in the place they are visiting, even if that is not how they would dress on a day to day basis.