Friday, October 15, 2010

Lech Lecha: But How?

If you want to read some really awesome and emotional posts, there is one from 2008, and I know others exist I just, I don't have the energy to find them. So what now? What brilliant morsel can I add to the catalog of Going Forth (לך לך)?

Ultimately, I view Lech Lecha as HaShem telling Avram to go forth toward himself, to go forth and discover who he was meant to be. But not just to go forth into the ether, a cloud of mystery and the unknown, but to do it with a purpose and a thought in mind.

"I have set G-d before me at all times" (Psalms 16:8), I think, is the key thought here. Go forth, with G-d in mind, and get it done. Figure yourself out. Take the steps and find your true self.

I've reached an impasse ... with myself.

This week was probably the most trying week of my life (of recent memory). I was sick last weekend and I didn't bother to give myself enough time to recover. I've been exhausted, coughing, and drained all week. I didn't get my schoolwork done, I didn't perform in class, I left my Academic Hebrew course this morning completely defeated. I couldn't answer questions, I was distant, I was completely disengaged. This week has put a lot of things in perspective, including the fact that graduate school isn't what it used to be. By that, of course, I mean that I don't have the time or energy to engage in classes: I don't live on or anywhere near campus, I have an annoying commute, I can't be a part of the experience because I have obligations of, oh, you know, married life and being an adult. Basically, life's gotten in the way of my academic aspirations.

And now? I'm asking myself: Can I do this? Can I do this while married and being Suzy Homemaker?

When I was at UConn, I lived on campus and, yes, Tuvia and I were full-time dating, but there was this unspoken rule that school came first. I also didn't have to cook and clean and run errands and sit in traffic like I do now. It was easier.

And I've never been one who chooses easy over what I want. But now, I'm just wondering, am I asking for too much? Has HaShem handed me this impasse?

My sentiments about life in general right now are exacerbated by the fact that Jews around me are dropping like flies. By this I mean losing faith in "the system" and toying with hopping off the derech. Monkey sees, monkey does, right?

Lech Lecha, this week's Torah portion says. Go forth. To a land that I will show you, it goes. In a perfect world, I'd pick up and move to Israel and get my spiritual self re-organized. But, of course, like I said, life. I have a job and school and a husband and a life. A life that is too big for me right now. Time to regroup. Reexamine.

So, for me, right now, Lech Lecha means going forth to figure. it. out. It, of course, being me. And this all comes after the chagim. Shouldn't I have done this already? Then again, underconstructionism is my policy. A work in progress, always and forever. And the only direction, in my opinion, is up. There's no turning back at this point. There's no down, just forward and onward. 

Shabbat shalom, friends. May you find peace in your hearts, calm in your homes.