Wednesday, September 2, 2009

My Mezuzah is Gone.

I'm devastated. Just devastated.

When I converted to Judaism in 2006 (via Reform auspices), my congregation gave me a beautiful basket of goodies to get me started on the derekh. There were candlesticks, candlestick holders, a bottle of Kedem grapejuice, all the fixins for a proper Shabbos. And most importanty was the gift they gave me with the basket -- a mezuzah.

You'll remember the mezuzah. It was beautiful, pewter, and it had adorned so many doors of mine throughout the past three years. I loved that mezuzah. I know that it's got to be somewhere in Evan's house, mixed in with my books or storage or the Judaica, but I can't find it, and it makes me want to cry. I've looked in every knook and cranny, every space that I could have stored it for safe-keeping. It was the last item I removed from my dorm last year when I moved out. That mezuzah means so much to me. I want to hang it on my doorpost at school, because my room feels naked without it, but I can't find it and as a result I'm feeling pretty down.

My initial reaction to losing the mezuzah was that maybe it's a sign. After all, my path has continued to extend itself into the horizon. I have rejected or denied my Reform past, but rather I've built new and different stepping stones through Conservative Judaism and on into Orthodox Judaism. Is losing my mezuzah, a gift after my Reform conversion, a sign that I'm really ready? I'm ready to accept the 613 mitzvoth? To live my life as a Torah-observant Jew? That maybe I need a new mezuzah to fit my new shoes?

I know some of you will say I'm nuts. Signs shmines. And maybe you're right. But knowing how important this mezuzah was to me makes me wonder why it would up and disappear. I checked the places I know I would have put it, but it just vanished.

I guess I'll have to call up Chabad and get a mezuzah for my door. Its generic and plain, but it's something. After all, I suppose the cosmetic appeal of the mezuzah isn't as important as it's fixture. I need that separation of space that the mezuzah brings.